Experience is one of the rewards of aging and I learned to arrange direct deposit for my social security checks. The first three months, I went to the bank to deposit the check. Each time, unbeknownst to me, I was observed.
The fourth month, when I came out of the bank a young woman accosted me and asked for me money. I told her I didn't have any. She told her she'd been watching me for three months, and knew I had money. Then she frisked me. She said, "I watched you for four months. Aren't you cashing a check?" I told her, "No, but if you'll frisk me again, I'll write you one."
I learned a lot about aging from the grandfather of one of my childhood friends. His grandfather used to enjoy taking walks but as he aged, he began to trip and stumble a bit. It got so bad that the family finally had to take him to the doctor. After the doctor examined his grandfather, he told the family that grandfather was in excellent health. He said just remind Gramps to tuck his balls into his knee high socks before he began his walks.
Looking back to the 60's, the difference between now and then is more apparent. In the 60's, I'd buy a KEG, now I get an EKG. In the 60's, it was acid rock, now it's acid reflux. In those days, I'd go to a hip new joint and now I'm considering a new hip joint. Those were the days of the Rolling Stones. Nowadays it's kidney stones.
In the 60's, it was passing the driving test, now it's passing the vision test. Back in the day it was Disco, now it's Costco. The motto of the crowd was "Whatever." Nowadays, it "Depends."
All things considered, I'm enjoying life. I always keep a supply of Johnnie Walker Black to use as medication in case I get bitten by a snake. I also keep a snake handy, as well. The only thing I need to remember is to wear my knee high socks when I go for my morning walks.....
The News As I See It: The World Cup soccer matches have begun. In the U.S., soccer’s popularity ranges somewhere between Jon Gosselin and people that give out raisins on Halloween. The reason Americans don’t get into soccer is because the scores are too low. They should make each goal worth two points, and then maybe let the players use their hands, and then maybe add some hoops and a basketball. Americans would watch that.
Vice President Joe O'Biden is actually in South Africa for the World Cup. Biden’s looking forward to all the matches — or as he calls them, "foosball reenactments." The Brazilian referees for the U.S.-England game studied English swear words to make sure the players didn’t curse. If there’s one thing that thousands of drunk, shirtless hooligans can’t stand, it’s naughty language.
President Obozo may finally meet with BP CEO Tony Hayward this week. Obozo plans to ask Hayward for an update on the spill, while Hayward plans to ask Obozo for an update on the spill. A lot of people are upset and wondering why President Obozo was willing to sit down with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad but not to BP CEO Tony Hayward. I think Obozo is afraid. Ahmadinejad only threatened to destroy the world and Hayward is actually doing it.
BP's stock has dropped 51 percent since the oil spill. Now that they’re leaking money like they’re leaking oil, maybe they’ll get up and do something about it. A review of BP's 582-page plan to deal with a catastrophic oil spill was found to be full of errors and severely flawed. BP listed their lead drilling specialist as a Mr. Jed Clampett of Beverly Hills.
This Date In History: 1775; The United States Army was founded. 1777; The Continental Congress adopted the Stars and Stripes as the official flag of the U.S. 1922; Warren Harding became the first president to be heard on the radio. 1940; German troops entered Paris. The Nazis opened the Auschwitz concentration camp in Poland.
1951; The first commercial computer, Univac I, was unveiled. 1954; President Eisenhower signed the order inserting the words "under God" into the Pledge of Allegiance. 1989; Argentine forces surrendered to British troops on the Falkland Islands.
Picture Of The Day: I had fun trying to find some decent senior citizen pictures but surprisingly, there weren't too many out there. I finally discovered a few good ones. For a while there, I was afraid that I'd have to post some pictures of my friends.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) So I asked her, "Does this handkerchief smell like chloroform to you?" 2) Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 3) Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 4) I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. 5) At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.....and that's five !
Birthdays: Harriet Beecher Stowe, writer 1811, Margaret Bourke-White, photographer 1904, Donald Trump, business executive 1946, Eric Heiden, speed skater 1958.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he left his wallet at home.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two
Two boys come into a diner with their father. The waitress walks over and asks asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. The boy says, "I’ll think I'll have a f**kin’ hamburger." The father is outraged at his language and smacks the kid upside the head. Embarrassed, the waitress asks the younger boy what he wanted to eat. The little boy said, "I don’t know, but you can bet your sweet ass I'm not ordering a f**kin' hamburger!"
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator and says, "I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees and the guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.
The man says, "I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. An old woman stands up and says. "I’ll give it a try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.
After allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth. The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least twice a week. Do you think you can do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."
That's it for today my little chickadees (you knew that one was coming sooner or later). Remember, light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !