Wednesday, June 9, 2010

It's Hump Day And Time For Happy Hour (From the Latin: Humpus Daeus Imbibus) !

I went grocery shopping today and one of the things I saw in the fruit and vegetable section was the dreaded asparagus. As chills ran up my spine, I briefly drifted back to my childhood days and memories of eating dinner with my family.

My mom's dinner menu options were "take it or leave it" but my father, who came from modest means, always insisted that we children "clean our plates." This, of course, meant that in order to get dessert, you had to eat what was served. Normally, I had no problems with the family dinner rules with the exception of the days that asparagus was on the menu. Personally, I never saw a valid reason for the existence of asparagus, but I digress.

As luck would have it, asparagus was normally served with liver. As you may have surmised, I despise liver even more than asparagus. Fortunately for me, I was a clever child and I developed several ways to "dispose" of these disgusting foods.

I would cut a piece of the liver and when Mom wasn't looking, I'd toss it to my dog, Beannie. He'd catch it in the air and swallow it in one gulp. Then, I'd take a piece of asparagus and toss it to him, he catch it and swallow it, too. The look on his face was comical when he realized that he had gulped asparagus instead of liver. After the first toss, I'd let Beannie smell the liver again and then toss it to him. The next toss after that was another piece of asparagus. Nights like these would leave me very hungry when I went to bed, but hunger had a much higher value than the taste of liver and asparagus. It was a fair trade......

Odds and Ends: America's chance to rid itself of Nevada Senator Harry Reid may be in jeopardy as Sharron Angle has won the Republican Senate nomination in Nevada. Angle's candidacy was supported by the Tea Party movement. She faces Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, the Democratic nominee, in November. Angle will probably be the weakest of the three possible candidates against Reid as her views on Social Security and the fate of the Yucca Mountain nuclear waste facility are highly controversial. Hopefully, Reid's low popularity with Nevada voters will still be his downfall.

Joran van der Sloot's confession in the horrendous murder of Stephany Flores all but seals his fate. What a shame that, due of the incompetence and negligence of the Aruban prosecutors and government in the Natalee Holloway murder, this piece of garbage was allowed to kill again.

The U.S. Department of Interior has confirmed that oil has been leaking from a non-BP well into the Gulf of Mexico, but put the size of the leak at less than a barrel a day. The oil is coming from an old production platform site that was destroyed by a subsurface mudslide in 2004, after the Gulf was hit by Hurricane Ivan. Taylor Energy, the operator of the well, said that the site is leaking "small amounts of oil—an average of less than one-third of a barrel per day."

The News As I See It: BP is saying that the campaign to clean up the oil could last until fall. You know why they call it a campaign? Because it’s like an election. It’s dirty, it’s slimy, and it never seems to end. BP is spending $50 million on advertising to put a positive spin on the oil spill. They say that fishermen are catching tuna that are getting 35 miles per gallon.

Using electron microscopes, scientists have discovered the slowest-moving thing on Earth. It’s the White House responding to the oil spill. President Obozo is going to visit India this November, in response to Prime Minister Singh’s invitation, though mostly, he’s going over there to visit our jobs. Obozo pitched his healthcare bill to a group of seniors. According to a poll, half of the seniors thought the president was convincing, 30 percent thought he was unconvincing, and the rest thought he was Will Smith.

Vice President Joe O'Biden is on the first leg of his African tour, which includes visits to Egypt, Kenya, and South Africa. The second leg of the tour will be when he goes back to all the countries to apologize for everything he said during the first leg.

The only commercial airline in Iraq, Iraqi Airways, folded this week. The CEO says the company could not survive in a market where everybody in the country is on the No-Fly list.

This Date In History: 1870; Author Charles Dickens died. 1898; China agreed to lease Hong Kong to Britain for 99 years. 1934; Donald Duck made his screen debut in The Wise Little Hen. 1944; The Republic of Iceland was established. 1973; Secretariat won the Belmont Stakes and became the first Triple Crown winner in 25 years.

1978; After 148 years, the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints finally allowed black men to become priests. 1993; Japan's Crown Prince Naruhito married commoner Masako Owada.

Picture Of The Day: My pal Garnett sent me photographs wich helped me visualize the difference between America and third world countries. They helped me to see his point although I kinda like the goat too!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question. 2) In America, banks continue to fail. I think it's because banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. 3) The word "lite" is the new way to spell "Light" and with 20% fewer letters! 4) Everyone has the right to be stupid, it's just that some abuse the privilege. 5) Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Peter the Grea, czar of Russia (1682–1725) 1672, Bertha Suttner, novelist 1843, Cole Porter, composer 1891, Robert McNamara, defense secretary 1916, Michael J. Fox, actor 1961, Johnny Depp, actor 1963, Natalie Portman, actress 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old Irishman who had a little too much drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and say, "So, where have you been?" The drunk slurred, "Why, I've been to the pub of course." The cop says, "It looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." The drunk smiles and says, "I did all right."

The cop stands straight, folds his arms and says, "Did you know that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" The drunk replies, "Oh, thank heavens. For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. The engineer said, "Hey bartender, I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there." The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a trouble maker and we don't serve his kind around here."

The engineer said, "Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."

The bartender skeptically served the trouble maker his beer, then came back to talk to the engineer and said, "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?" The engineer responded, "Oh, that's where we put the jack."

A drunk is sitting in a bar and asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom at?" The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right." All of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream coming from the bathroom, and they wonder about what's going on in there. A few minutes go by, and again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom.

This time, the bartender decides to investigate, and he goes into the bathroom to see what the drunk is screaming about. He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away." The drunk says, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes my balls!" With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket."

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Hey buddy, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina'?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

That's it for today my little orange blossoms. Remember, to steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


garnett109 said...

have a happy hump day at area 51

jack69 said...

AT first I couldn't stop laughing thinking of the mop bucket, then you had to bring up a ballerina!!!!!

Thanks for the laughs!
I do hope they Flush Reid.

Missie said...

Did we have the same parents? LOL
I also had to eat what was made whether I liked it or not and I couldn't get up from the table until my plate was clean.

Paula said...

I would prefer eating dirt to liver. Good jokes. some I had read before but my memory is short so I enjoyed them again. Thanks.

Senorita said...

Happy Hump Day ! I don't care for asparagus either. And liver is worse !

Ally Lifewithally said...

asparagus is lovely if you griddle it with butter ~ just boiled I agree it is horrible ~ and as for liver YUCK!!!!
thanks for the jokes Jimmy I'm still laughing at the ballerina ~ Ally x

salemslot9 said...

don't remember eating
asparagus as a child
but, I like it now
what did you
get for dessert?