Have A Great Fourth Of July Weekend !

It's Fourth of July weekend and I hope that everyone takes the time this weekend to remember the men and women, both past and present, who have stood and fought to preserve the freedom and liberty of the greatest nation on Earth.

Like all long weekends, there will be a lot of amateurs imbibing this weekend so keep that in the back of your mind. You don't want Billy Bob crashing into your ass while he's busy holding a Budweiser in one hand while using his other hand to throw cherry bombs from moving his truck.

The anticipated and properly organized fireworks shows are always enjoyable to see but from a personal viewpoint, I'm hoping that there are thunder storms in my neighborhood because it keeps the local idiots from detonating their usual 20 tons of TNT. Sometimes, rain is good !

There are always a lot of injuries due to the mishandling of fireworks, most due to ignorance of how to handle same. A few years ago, a young lady was killed because she decided to look into a mortar set-up (used to launch the fireworks into the air) that seemed to have fizzled. When she looked into the sleeves that hold the fireworks, it detonated. This is tantamount to looking into a mortar launcher used in warfare. Fireworks should be handled by professionals, and ignorance of this fact usually results in injuries or death.

The News As I See It: Sunday is July 4, which means three days of drinking responsibly. If you’re planning to use fireworks this year, it’s important to check local laws and figure out how you can get around them. July 4th is that special day when America combines our two favorite pastimes: alcohol and explosives. The fireworks are beautiful to look at, but more importantly, they drown out the gunfire.

Larry King has announced his retirement, saying he wants to spend more time with his wives. Larry has really been trying to slow down since his recent death. In my eyes, Larry really is a king, but, then again, I also think Wolf Blitzer is a wolf. Larry is retiring from the show because it's too hard to juggle a television show, a marriage, and an affair with his wife's sister.

This Date In History: 1566; French astrologer, physician, and prophet Nostradamus died. 1881; President James Garfield was shot by Charles Guiteau; he died on Sept. 19. 1890; Congress passed the Sherman Antitrust Act. 1937; Amelia Earhart and her co-pilot Fred Noonan disappeared over the Pacific Ocean while attempting to fly around the world.

1964; President Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act of 1964 into law. 1976; In Gregg v. Georgia, the Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty was not inherently cruel or unusual. 1997; Actor James Stewart died in Beverly Hills, California. 2002; Steve Fossett became the first to circumnavigate the globe solo in a balloon.

Picture Of The Day: July 4th is a day for patriots and that suits me just fine. Today's pictures are symbolic of this date (well, except for the last two).

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait...that would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. 2) Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any ol' person vote. 3) Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. 4) There used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found out it was just a murderer's house. 5) To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Thomas Cranmer, archbishop of Canterbury 1489, Hermann Hesse, novelist and poet 1877, Tyrone Guthrie, stage director, playwright 1900, Hans Bethe, physicist 1906, Thurgood Marshall, U.S. lawyer and Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court (1967–91) 1908, Richard Petty, auto racing driver 1937, Ron Silver, actor 1946, Jose Canseco, baseball player and steroid user 1964.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance.

She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years?" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a number of high-profile candidates waiting at the Gates, and we are suffering from falling popularity. So, I'm going to throw out Mother Teresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate. You'll have to go and decide who is most suitable."

St. Peter goes down to the Pearly Gates and finds Gianni Versace, Elton John and Princess Diana waiting for him. He says, "I'm afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason why you should be admitted to Heaven."

Gianni Versace says, "I was Earth's greatest designer. I will outfit the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions -- long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better." Elton John says, "I've been gifted with one of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the earth. I'll spend my time in Heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better."

Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find something suitable to say. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day!"

Gianni Versace and Elton John are mortified. Elton John cries, "What's going on here? We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, but she gets in and we don't!" St. Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Sorry, guys, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day."

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!" He then approached a second man and asked, "Do you want to got to heaven?" The man's replied, Certainly, Father!" The priest said, "Then leave this den of Satan!"

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole replied, "No, I don't Father." The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

The news is full of stories about people suing large companies for complaints caused by their own errors or mistakes. Many of these people actually win some of theses suits. A man sued a major tobacco company because he got lung cancer after smoking cigarettes for 30 years....and won! An overweight woman sued Burger King because her arteries were clogged with fat after eating a whopper, french fries and a large milk shake for 25 years....and won!

Another woman sued McDonalds because she burned her mouth after ordering hot coffee....and won! Many of the National Basketball league players have sued their alma maters because they still could not read after graduating from college....and they won! My question is: Can I sue Budweiser for all of the ugly women I've slept with?

That's it for today my little firecrackers. Remember, life is like a bird. It's pretty cute until it shits on your head. I'm going to AREA 51 and check out the sparklers. Have a great fourth of July weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !