Monday, July 26, 2010

Monday Observations

Monday's news is always a reminder that the weekend is over and it's time to return to the real world. I'm able to cope with the reality of the first day of the work week but I sure as hell don't have to like it. Here are some observations I have made today based on today's television and radio news and reports. Most of these reports are accurate but a few may have been contrived.

I have reinforced my belief that all politicians are liars and thieves, a conclusion that I came to many years ago. Mondays are just life's way of reaffirming my beliefs. BP chief Tony Hayward is history as of tomorrow, Barack Obozo is returning to his pre-presidential shuck and jive routine in an attempt to affect the November elections and the trial of former Illinois idiot-governor Blago is wrapping up.

As for the social and entertainment circles, it seems that Lindsay Lohan is still in jail and I assume Mel Gibson is still drunk.

Free Credit, virtually tied with Extenze as the biggest unprosecuted scam in history, is still a scam but they do have a catchy new jingle. Anyone, by law, can get an actual free credit report each year from all three credit reporting companies. Extenze is still a medically proven sham and rip-off and Jimmy Johnson's johnson hasn't grown an inch but his wallet has. Who says prostitution has no reward?

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Mahatma Gandhi, a famed maker of excellent rice, walked barefoot most of the time. This produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

The News As I See It: According to a study by the Brookings institution, Washington D.C. has the highest concentration of smart people in the United States. Lets see....we have an oil spill disaster in the Gulf, illegal immigrants and drug smugglers pouring through our southern borders, a dysfunctional Homeland Security, and we are $13 trillion in debt. Imagine how bad it would be if these people weren't geniuses.

A new poll shows that Congress’ approval rating is at a record low of 11 percent. The other 89 percent are going to withhold judgment until Congress actually does something.

Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel was charged with multiple ethics violations. Members of Congress were stunned. They had no idea there was more than one ethic.

Budget problems are so bad in Newark, New Jersey, that the mayor has ordered the government to stop buying toilet paper for public restrooms. They’re calling this the worst thing to happen to the state since "Jersey Shore."

This Date In History: 1788; New York became the 11th state in the United States. 1847; Liberia became Africa's first republic. 1908 The Office of the Chief Examiner, which in 1935 became the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), was created.

1947; President Harry S Truman signed the National Security Act, creating the Department of Defense, the National Security Council, the Central Intelligence Agency, and the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 1952; Argentina's first lady, Eva Peron, died in Buenos Aires at age 33.

1952; King Farouk I of Egypt abdicated after a coup led by Gamal Abdal Nasser. 1953; Fidel Castro was among a group of rebelling anti-Batistas who unsuccessfully attacked an army barracks.

Picture Of The Day: What the hell, Mondays have always been for the birds so I'm just going with the flow.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by. 2) Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 3) When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies? 4) I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself. 5) Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, all while getting a raise at the same time......and that's five !

Birthdays: George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright and critic 1856, Serge Koussevitzky, conductor 1874, Carl Jung, Psychiatrist 1875 Aldous Huxley, author 1894, Salvador Allende, president of Chile 1908, Stanley Kubrick, filmmaker 1928, Charlotte Beers, advertising executive 1935, Mick Jagger, musician 1943, Helen Mirren actress 1946 Kevin Spacey actor, director 1959,
Sandra Bullock actress 1964.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back and tells the doctor, "I don't know what you gave me, but when I pass gas, it's still silent, but it really stinks terribly." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. The girlfriend says, "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and gasping, he peeks in and catches his folks in "the act." Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, fearing Johnny will ask more uncomfortable questions, tells Johnny that they will play "horsie" later. Johnny says, "Ok, but hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. The teacher says, "Very good Sally."

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hand. The teacher says, "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's is a zebra." The teacher replies, "Very good Billy."

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. The teacher says, "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. The teacher continues, "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Johnny shouts out, "I know! I know! It's a horny bastard!"

That's it for today my little girls and boysenberries. Remember, alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


garnett109 said...

Jimmy thanks for the laughs today, i sure did need them!

Missie said...

I can always count on your blog entries to make me laugh. Have a good week.

jack69 said...

Amazing how a pharmacist can make a guy religious. Some preachers should take up the study of drugs!

have a good week!

Linda's World said...

I was afraid to read your entry because it's too hot to even laugh...but I did read it & I did laugh now I need to go sit in front of the fan. Have a good week...I'm sailing off to Alaska Friday morning. Wave as I go by...Linda in Washington

Paula said...

Mondays are my favorite day of the week. Like a new beginning every week and thoughts that I may get it right this time. Like all the bird pictures.

Julie said...

Loved the jokes as usual. I always loved Mondays, but I am always off on Monday.