I Hate Mondays !

No matter what I do, most Mondays always seem to be a pain in the ass. I think the main reason I dislike Mondays is that even if I feel like going out, most of the good bars are empty and close early. I count on Monday Night Football to clean the funk out of the air for part of the year but since it's not football season, that ally is non-existent.

Maybe Mondays are just there to provide the final touch on the end of the weekend, somewhat akin to the idea that death is life's way of telling you to slow down. One of the only positive things about Mondays is that blondes finally laugh at the jokes I told them at happy hour on Friday night.

Nevertheless, the good thing about this Monday is that it's just about over and I've completed the first part of the the necessary steps to get to Friday.

Thousands of nudists may have set a new Guinness Book world record over the weekend with a massive skinny dip. 122 resorts across the country hosted skinny dippers this weekend. Last year, nearly 14,000 people took the plunge. Did they actually set a new record? Guinness won't confirm the new record for a few weeks.

I wasn't aware that people were trying to break a record. I did, however, make a couple of offers to go skinny dipping this weekend. The only problem that I have with nudists is that the majority of them are people I really don't care to see naked. It's a good thought, though.....

Congratulations to Spain in winning the World Cup. Although I really don't care too much for the sport, I was happy that Spain won because I have quite a few friends that are either from Spain or trace their heritage from there. Congratulations to Paul the Octopus, a resident at Sea Life Centre in Oberhausen, Germany, who correctly picked eight out of eight World Cup winners, including Spain.

The News As I See It: Last week was has been quite a week —100-degree temperatures, earthquakes, oil spills, and yet, we’re still having a better week than Mel Gibson.

Joe O'Biden is different from Dick Cheney. In the Georgie "Dubya" Bush years, the president would say things and the vice president would have a heart attack. Now, the vice president says something and Obozo has a heart attack.

British Petroleum said that, in a perfect world, they could stop the Gulf oil leak within a month. Actually, in a perfect world, British Petroleum wouldn't exist.

This Date In History: 1543; England's King Henry VIII married his sixth and last wife, Catherine Parr. 1690; Protestant William of Orange defeated Roman Catholic James II at the Battle of the Boyne in Ireland. 1862; Congress authorized the Medal of Honor. 1960; The first Etch-A-Sketch went on sale.

1979; Kiribati, formerly the Gilbert Islands, gained its independence from the United Kingdom. 1984; Democratic presidential nominee Walter Mondale became the first major-party candidate to choose a woman as a running mate when he announced his choice of Geraldine Ferraro.

Picture Of The Day: I have always liked Garfield, if for nothing more than the fact that he hates Mondays, as well. As you may notice, the photoshop gang is having a ball with Obozo. I just add a little commentary.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually. 2) I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done." 3) I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. 4) When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep well?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." 5) I've always wondered why bra is singular and panties are plural.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Josiah Wedgwood, potter 1730, Henry David Thoreau, American author and naturalist 1817, George Eastman, inventor, industrialist 1854, Amedeo Modigliani, painter 1884, Oscar Hammerstein, lyricist 1895, Pablo Neruda, poet, diplomat 1904, Andrew Wyeth, painter 1917, Bill Cosby, comedian 1937, Kristi Yamaguchi, figure skater 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A little old lady slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk in a stuttering voice: "Dddooo yyou huhave ddilldos?" The clerk, trying as hard as he could not to burst out laughing, politely replies, "Yes, we do have dildos. We carry many different models. Can I help you find one?"

The old woman then asks, "Dddooo yyou ccarry a ppink one, ten inches llong and rruns on buhbuhbatteries? The clerk responds, "Yes, we do." The old ladys says, "Dddoo yyou knooww hhhow ttoo tturn tthe ddamn tthing off?"

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

The fifth surgeon observes, "Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no spine and the head and ass are interchangeable."

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip.

She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!" Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!" Amazed and petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?" The voice boomed back, "No! This is the manager of the skating rink!"

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to a woman and not being able to remember her name, how I met her, or why she's handcuffed to me.

That's it for today my little hush puppies. Remember, if sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !