The announcer says, "Side effects may include: agitation, anxiety, insomnia, weight loss, headache, dry mouth, nausea, constipation, dizziness, strange body odor, sweating, nervousness and tremor. Hey, all I have is a cold and if the medicine causes body odor and constipation, I'll stick with the sniffles.
I once got a prescription for a sleep aid because I was having problems sleeping. The pamphlet said: May cause amnesia and paranoia. When I went to see the doctor again he asked, "How did the prescription work?" I said, "I don't remember. Why do you ask so many questions?"
A girlfriend of mine had a stomach ache and her doctor gave her a prescription. When she went to the drug store to get the prescription, the pamphlet attached said: "May cause stomach ache."
Some drugs have side effects that are even worse. They include: Inappropriate blushing, an exaggerated rhythmic gait, a quaint lisp, oily discharge and flatulence. I don't know about you but I can't think of too many ailments that are worth the risk of those side effects. It's embarrassing enough to fart in church, but an oily discharge as well? There goes my summer suits....
I knew a woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?'' She replied, ''On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."
I've used Tequila before as a remedy for a cold. Tequila is not a regulated drug, but it does have side effects, such as thinking you can sing karaoke. I gave one of my girlfriends some too and it made her clothes fall off. You have to be careful.....
The News As I See It: The July 4th fireworks are over. The organized fireworks shows, that is. The dimwits are still at it and probably will be for the remainder of the week. This is the only national holiday where no presents and no church are involved. All you really need is a few drunks, a lighter and a trunk full of explosives.
This Date In History: 1811; Venezuela became the first South American country to declare independence from Spain. 1865; William Booth formed the Salvation Army in London, England. 1946; Larry Doby signed with the Cleveland Indians, becoming the first black player in the American League. 1946; The bikini swimsuit made its debut at a Paris fashion show.
1954; Elvis Presley recorded "That's All Right," his first commercial record. 1975; Cape Verde became independent after 500 years of Portuguese rule. 1975; Arthur Ashe became the first black man to win a Wimbledon singles title when he defeated Jimmy Connors. 1996; Dolly, the first sheep cloned from adult cells, was born. 2002; Baseball great Ted Williams died.
Picture Of The Day: Brother Kirt sent me the picture of the day. Payback is hell for the jerk who parks in front of a fire hydrant! Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I thought a good way to get people to dig your flower beds for free would be to call the police and say you buried some bodies in your backyard. But here's the catch: They dig everywhere, not just where you tell them to. 2) If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. 3) If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not mean to poor people, like I am now. 4) If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy on a rope behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. 5) Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several family members died of tuberculosis.....and that's five !
Birthdays: David Farragut, American admiral 1801, P. T. Barnum, showman 1810, Cecil Rhodes, imperialist 1853, Jean Cocteau, artist 1889, Georges Pompidou, political leader 1911.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him. So the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship. It read: "Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her ass was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap." The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pal Victor for their contributions to today's post.
About two hours into his first day on the job as a Walmart greeter, John saw a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. He said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they aren’t twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?" John replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you more than once. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart." A young man, Charles, who, having lost his left eye in an accident, wore a prosthetic eye made of wood. Why wood, you might ask? Well, the young man was of limited means and could not afford an expensive glass eye, not to mention the fact that this joke just doesn’t work with a glass eye.The young man with the wooden eye was depressed, for he felt that he was unattractive.
One of his friends saw that the young man had fallen into a prolonged mope, and he decided to do something about it. He insisted that his friend accompany him to the Church Social that evening. Once there, the young man’s friend saw a young woman sitting quietly by herself in the corner. He insisted that the young man invite her to dance with him.
His friend said, "Now, she’s kind of quiet, and she’s not real self-confident. She used to have a harelip, but a few months ago she got it surgically repaired. You can barely see it anymore, but I know she’s still self-conscious about it. You’d be doing the both of you a world of good if you asked her to dance."
And so the young man found his way to the forlorn young lady’s table. He leaned down and smiled, asking, "Would you care to dance?" The young lady was so happy to have been asked to dance by this gentleman that she could scarcely contain herself. She cried, "Would I? Would I?" Charles replied, "Hare lip! Hare lip!" A man was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!". Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!". That did it. He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.
That's it for today my little lemon drops. Remember, love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !