Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Apple To Apple - William and Kate - Yahtzee!

Prince William and Kate Middleton announced their engagement and will be married at St. Paul’s Cathedral, where every royal wedding has been held for the last 100 years. Either that or they’ll get married in Acapulco. Britain hasn’t been this excited about the prospect for a new queen since Elton John. No date has been set for the divorce.

Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-N.Y.) has finally been found guilty of 11 counts of violating House rules "by clear and convincing evidence," Rep. Zoe Lofgren (D-Calif.), the chair of the House ethics committee, announced Tuesday. It wasn’t easy. They had to go way outside Washington to find anyone that knew anything about ethics.

Rangel faced charges stemming from a 21-month investigation into accusations that he failed to pay rent-related taxes on his villa in the Dominican Republic; that he used a rent-controlled apartment in New York for campaign activities; and that he used congressional stationary to raise funds for a center at New York's City University to be built in his name.

As per Congress' typical way of "taking care of their own", I doubt that anything remotely resembling punishment (which could range from reprimand to censure to expulsion) will occur. Of course, if he was the average Joe Citizen, he'd be hanged next week.

Today's Hot Button: Here's a thought: Quit running Americans through the pre-flight sex gauntlet and start profiling! We all know who we're looking for. Just politely pull their ass to the side and feel them up!

The News As I See It: It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they’re going through your underwear while you’re wearing it. To make things worse, the airlines are charging a $15 molestation fee.

Bernie Madoff's possessions have been auctioned off to help repay his investors for their losses. Bernie was upset that his wife's engagement ring sold for $550,000, because he hoped to give it to his new fiancé, Leroy.

Voters in Arizona have approved a measure allowing medical marijuana. Arizona is now the 15th state where you can pretend to have glaucoma.

It's been a rough week for President Obozo. He’s got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird. It’s going to be a fowl week.

Sarah Palin’s Alaska got huge ratings for its premiere. Word has it that the show has been the inspiration for a new show called "John McCain’s Mesopotamia." Palin's word "refudiate" has been declared to be the 2010 Word of the Year by the new Oxford Dictionary. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to "dismangle" the English language.

This Date In History: 1558; Queen Elizabeth I of England ascended to the throne upon the death of her half-sister Queen Mary. 1800; Congress met in Washington, DC, for the first time. 1869; The Suez Canal opened in Egypt. 1917; Sculptor Auguste Rodin died in Meudon, France.

1968; Night of the "Heidi bowl:" NBC switched from football to movie of Heidi. In the missing 42 seconds, the lagging Raiders scored two touchdowns, defeating the Jets. 1973; President Nixon said "I am not a crook."

1989 The beginning of the "Velvet Revolution," which led to the downfall of communism in Czechoslovakia. 2003; Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as governor of California.

Picture Of The Day: So you say you've got Jehovah's Witnesses ringing your doorbell morning, noon and night? Try the new handy dandy "Moose's Ass" doorbell. Should they persist and ring it anyway, remember not to shake hands.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) NASA has just completed work on a new rocket, nicknamed "Civil Servant." It won't work and they can't fire it. 2) One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. 3) Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one? 4) Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam. 5) Researchers have finally released the ingredients in Viagra: 2% aspirin, 2% ibuprofen, 1% filler, and 95% "Fix a Flat".....and that's five !

Birthdays: Louis XVIII, king of France 1755, Lee Strasberg, stage director 1901, Eugene Paul Wigner, physicist 1902, Isamu Noguchi, sculptor 1904, Rock Hudson, actor 1925, Martin Scorsese, film director 1942, Danny De Vito, actor, director, producer 1944, Lorne Michaels, TV producer 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Emmy Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. The operator asked, "Where do you live?" Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Two good old boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?" The other replies, "He had a farm." The first asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Billy Bob goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box of condoms. The druggist says, "What kind do you want?" Billy Bob tells him, "Gimme the French ticklers." The druggist says, "Listen, do you know what one of those things will do to a woman?" Billy Bob replies, "No, but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!"

A guy walks into a bar down in Louisiana and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here. Where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from West Virginia." The bartender asks, "What do you do in West Virginia?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? What the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. The farmer asked, "Is yer pa home?" The boy replied, "No sir, he sure ain't, he went to town." The farmer said, "Is yer ma home?" The boy replied, "No sir, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa."

The farmer asked, "Well, then, how about yer brother, Jack, is he here?" The boy said, "No sir, he went with pa and ma." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. The young boy politely asked, "Is there anything I can do fer ya? I know where all the tools are if you want to borry one. Would you like to leave a message fer pa?"

The farmer uncomfortably asked, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Jack getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment and said, "You would have to talk to pa about that. I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Jack."

That's it for today my little collie flowers. Remember, follow your dream, unless it's the one where your naked at work during a fire drill. Hump Day....Happy Hour in AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Linda's World said...

Another good least the U.K. has something to look forward to~we don't. Chelsey's already married. Linda in rainy, cold & windy Washington

jack69 said...

I think Rangel's punishment will be a $50K gift certificate for the Senate Cafeteria. He will be forced to eat there. That will take care of his meals for his next 40 years, he will be relected.
Is he kin to Adam Clayton Powell?

Thanks for the laughs!!!

Paula said...

I bet you're just worrying about what color hat the queen is going to wear to the wedding, huh?

Rose said...

You had me on the floor with "Bubba"! LOL