Monday, November 29, 2010

WikiLeaks? Depends!

WikiLeaks, a website dedicated to obtaining and disseminating government secrets, has become a real problem and I have come up with a solution. Use Depends. Grandfather had the same problem and grandma too, so they just used Depends and the problem was resolved. I can still hear my grandfather saying "You know you have a real problem when your WikiLeaks!"

Leslie Nielson, actor and comedian, died Sunday, Nov. 28, 2010, at a hospital near his home in Florida where he was being treated for pneumonia. Nielson was well known for his comedic roles in "Airplane" and the "Police Squad" series. He was 84 years old. Rest In peace Mr. Nielson.

The News As I See It: The White House is working on a new terror alert system. Instead of colors it's going to tell how "handsie" the TSA agents are going to be. Yellow stands for cop a feel. Orange stands for gentle junk swipe, and red stands for full-on sextickle.

The Pope said in an interview recently that the use of condoms is acceptable under certain circumstances. For instance, if you're dating someone from the cast of "Jersey Shore."

People lined up for days to see the new "Harry Potter" movie. The movie is called "Harry Potter and the Long Line of Single People." It's kind of nice seeing a long line these days where nobody is getting their junk touched.

This Date In History: 1924; Italian composer Giacomo Puccini died in Brussels before he could complete his opera "Turandot." 1929; Commander Richard E. Byrd and a crew of three became the first to fly over the South Pole. 1947; The United Nations voted to grant the Jewish people a homeland to be established in Palestine.

1963; The Beatles released I Want to Hold Your Hand in Great Britain. 1963; President Johnson named a commission headed by Earl Warren to investigate the assassination of President Kennedy. 1986; Actor Cary Grant died in Davenport, Iowa, at age 82. 2001; Beatle George Harrison died of cancer.

Picture Of The Day: Without a doubt, Leslie Nielson's roles in "Airplane" and "The Naked Gun" were hysterical and surely, he will be missed!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) !klat kcab ruoy dna uoy nmaD 2) If your doctor's prescription doesn't stop the kleptomania, try and get me a nice video camera for Christmas. 3) Quando omni flunkus moritati - when all else fails, play dead. 4) Outside of the killings and robberies, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. 5) "Sarchasm" is the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it......and that's five !

Birthdays: Louisa May Alcott, American author 1832, Ambrose Fleming, inventor of the diode 1849, William V. S. Tubman, president of Liberia 1895, C.S. Lewis, author 1898, Madeleine L'Engle, author 1918, Jacques Chirac, political leader 1932, Yuan T. Lee, chemist 1936, Diane Ladd, actress 1942, Joel Coen, filmmaker 1954, Don Cheadle,actor 1964.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A 2009 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. Of course, your mileage may vary.....

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem."

He continued, "Now, I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand." The second drunk, "So, what's your point?" The first drunk replies, "Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

A drunk sits down at the bar and the bartender says, "What'll you have?" The drunk answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be six dollars." The drunk says "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer sitting nearby says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was not impressed, but says to the drunk, "Okay, you beat me for a drink, but don't come in here again."

The next day, same drunk walks into the bar. The bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The drunk says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." The drunk replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving. While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you." The drunk says, "Tits!"

A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?" The man says, "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" The policeman said, "No, you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly broad in the passenger seat that gave you away."

That's it for today my little cupcakes. Remember, outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

Love that last picture.......looking good Darling!

Paula said...

Yep my mileage does vary.

jack69 said...

Thanks Jimmy, I am amazed how strong I have become in 72 years!
This is great wait until I tell......

Thanks for the laughs.

I didn't know there was a correct answer for the Maranda rights until tonight.

Ally Lifewithally said...

I am sure Leslie Nielson's will be missed His roles in "Airplane" and "The Naked Gun" were great I'm hoping they will show some of them on TV ~ ~and Jimmy thank you for all the other laughs you give us ~ Ally x

Julie said...

Yeah, Rick liked the getting stronger joke also, LOL. I agree, looking good there Jimmy.