Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead!

It almost feels like a long weekend after months and months of name calling, cut throat, political commercials. We now return to the peace and quiet of watching horrible reality shows. The powers that be in the television world have taken a tip from politics. It seems they've decided that if we were so stupid as to elect the idiots of '08, as though the elections were an American Idol contest, then we'll certainly be gullible enough to watch a bunch of lame reality shows.

One of the few gems on television is "Two and a Half Men." The award winning show is well written and entertaining and its popularity has already spilled over into syndication. If we can just keep Charlie Sheen's pants on him and keep him out of bars, the show should run for a while.

In the interim, everybody should take advantage of and enjoy this brief respite. The 2012 presidential campaign and accompanying elections begin on Monday.....

The News As I See It: President Obama is going to India. He’ll be traveling on Air Force One-Term.

Martin Sheen, the father of Charlie Sheen, is reportedly having a family intervention in Ireland. They’re sending an alcoholic to Ireland? That’s like sending Lindsay Lohan to Bogota, Colombia.

Thousands of marijuana enthusiasts went to the polls this morning in California to support Prop 19. Unfortunately, the election was on Tuesday.

China started conducting its nationwide census this week. Parents will be required to list each child’s age, grade, and occupation.

Police in India have arrested five people in an elephant smuggling ring. How bad is your airport security when you can’t catch people smuggling an elephant?

This Date In History: 1605; The Gunpowder Plot to blow up the English Parliament failed. 1872; Susan B. Anthony was fined $100 for trying to vote in the presidential election (she was trying to vote for President Grant). 1895; George B. Selden of Rochester, N.Y., received the first U.S. patent for an automobile.

1940; President Franklin D. Roosevelt won an unprecedented third term in office when he defeated Wendell L. Willkie. 1968; The first black woman representative to serve in Congress, Shirley Chisholm, was elected. 1974;
Ella T. Grasso became the first woman to win a gubernatorial office without succeeding her husband.

1989; Pianist Vladimir Horowitz died in New York at age 85. 1994; At 45, George Foreman, became the oldest heavyweight champion when he knocked out Michael Moorer in the 10th round of their WBA fight in Las Vegas.

Picture Of The Day: The photoshop gang and I would like to thank outgoing Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi for her continuing gaffes and missteps during her tenure. Thanks Nancy, you're the worst and without you, we'd have had no mudder and fodder.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult. 2) Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. 3) Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on. 4) Real women don't have hot flashes... they have power surges. 5) Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going to do with it? .....and that's five !

Bonus Sixth (dedicated to parents): Why? Because I said so, damn it. Now go to your room.

Birthdays: Jonathan Edwards, theologian 1703, Francesco Guardi, landscape and architectural painter 1712, Denis Diderot, encyclopedist 1713, Chester A. Arthur, President of the United States 1830, Louis Lumiére, inventor 1864,

Raymond A. Kroc, founder of McDonalds 1902, Vaclav Havel, political leader, dramatist, poet 1936, Bob Geldof, rock musician 1951, Maya Lin, architect and artist 1959, Mario Lemieux, hockey player 1965, Kate Winslet, actress 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe, but let's make a deal. If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is baseball in heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" The spirit of Abe whispers, "Yes it is Sol." Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

Abe says, "Well, I got good news and I got bad news." Sol says, "Gimme the good news first." Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Hector for his contribution to today's stories.

A group of male lawyers loved their weekly Saturday morning round of golf. Then, one transferred to another city and the game wasn't the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round and said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say "yes", but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am. He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with a 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up they invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushed, grinned and said, "That's easy. When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude."

She continued, "From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed." The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?" She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late for golf."

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says "What can I help you with?"

The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?" The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole." To that the golf pro states, "Well, I'd say your stance is definitely way too wide!"

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. The surgeon said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" The man cries, "Oh god no! My golfing is over? Please Doc, what’s the good news?"

The doctor said, "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman’s arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant" The man saysm "Go for it doc! As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. The surgeon says, "Hi, how's the new arm?" The man says, "Just great! I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." The surgeon says, "That's great."

The man continued, "Not only that, my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." The surgeon says, "Unbelievavle! I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side affects." The golfer says, "Well, just one problem. Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache!"

That's it for today my little fire flies. Remember, sometimes you need a mistress just to break the monogamy. It's Friday and a good reason to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !