Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving !

They’re already playing Christmas music in the malls and on the radio. I still have a jack-o-lantern (that's a carved pumpkin for the hard of understanding) in my window. They’re supposed to wait until after Thanksgiving to start with the Christmas stuff. The human brain can only hear "Jingle Bell Rock" so many times before it orders the body to kill itself. I think this is a violation of the Geneva Convention.

This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers will get molested before they get to their uncle's house. Some of the questions the TSA asks border on the stupid. One worker asked a passenger, "Has anyone handled your bag?" The passenger said, "No, but she's right behind me." At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down."

The News As I See It: The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I’d be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer.

Michelle Obama is expected to announce a plan to put 5,000 salad bars in public schools. They expect as many as three students to use them.

Former President Georgie "Dubya" Bush has published his memoirs, called "Decision Points." Bush was asked if he used a ghost writer and he said, "Nah, I stopped believing in those after I turned 12."

In the latest Harry Potter film, Harry loses his friends, has to battle overwhelming evil forces, and hides in exotic foreign places to avoid public scrutiny. Oh, wait! I’m sorry, that’s President O'Bummer.

This Date In History: 1642; Abel Tasman discovered Van Diemen's land, later renamed Tasmania. 1859; Darwin's Origin of Species was published. 1871; The National Rifle Association was incorporated. 1963; Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald, JFK's accused assassin, in the garage of Dallas police headquarters. 1971; D. B. Cooper parachuted from a Northwest Airlines flight with $200,000.

Picture Of The Day: Well, if you didn't guess that today's pictures were going to be of Thanksgiving, then I suggest you don't play the lottery this weekend.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's a good thing I'm not flying on Thanksgiving day. That's not a good day to be in my pants. 2) How do "Keep Off The Grass" signs get there? 3) You can have a great time with a bushel of apples and the doctor's wife. 4) One difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. 5) Cellpilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes have when their cell phone goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence......and that's five !

Birthdays: Baruch Spinoza, philosopher 1632, Junípero Serra, missionary 1713, Aleksandr Suvorov, field marshal 1729, Zachary Taylor, 12th President of the United States 1784, Frances Hodgson Burnett, author 1849, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, painter and lithographer 1864, American ragtime pianist and composer 1868, Simon van der Meer, physical engineer 1925, William F. Buckley, Jr., journalist and writer 1925.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

An old woman was preparing to bake pies and other foods the day before Thanksgiving. Next to her was her beloved parrot, Brutus. The parrot was fully grown and adored the woman but he had a bad habit of cursing. Since the old woman lived alone, she put with up with the affectionate bird's foul language.

As she baked her pies and foods, she told Brutus that he was to mind his manners because she had invited guests for tomorrow's Thanksgiving Day dinner. To her surprise, Brutus was quiet all day and his only words were affectionately directed to the old woman.

Early the next morning, the old woman began making her preparations and decorations for the Thanksgiving dinner. She had turned on the stove to preheat it when Brutus began to curse. She quickly admonished Brutus but to no avail. The more she yelled at Brutus, the more he cursed.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, the old woman put Brutus in the freezer next to the turkey, just for a few moments, to cool him off. She heard the bird squawk and kick and scream, then suddenly, there was quiet. The woman was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

Brutus calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness. I have just one question. May I ask what did the turkey did?"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world." So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says,"Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?"

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

That's it for today my little drumsticks. Remember, no matter where you go...there you are! Happy Thanksgiving to all my pals and readers and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

9 comments:

Adirondackcountrygal said...

Happy Thanksgiving Jimmy!

jack69 said...

Happy Thanksgiving down in the sun. But I am thinking of Christmas, Maybe a box of tampons, I never knew Sherry had so much fun years ago.

But the best of the day, that caused Sherry to say, "You must have got to Jimmy" was the 'Keep of the Grass' signs, it just struck me funny.

have a good Turkey! forget about the donkey!

Tabby said...

Happy Thanksgiving Jimmy!

kbear said...

Happy Thanksgiving Jimmy! hope you have a grand day! with the continual pushing ahead with Christmas, this holiday will be forgotten in not time...

Linda's World said...

Hope you have a wonderful T-day. Don't forget that special treat for 'who know who.' Linda in cold, icy western Washington

Ally Lifewithally said...

Jimmy Happy Thanksgiving day and thanks for all the laughs you have given me today ~ Ally x

Rose said...

Happy Thanksgiving Jimmy!

Hugs, Rose

Missie said...

Happy Thanksgiving my friend!

Woody said...

Happy Thanksgiving, hope it was a good one!