Monday, November 8, 2010

Drugs Cause Amnesia And Other Things I Can't Remember

I've often wondered how drug companies come up with names for their drugs. Methinks that the scientists sit on the toilet all night long just to come up with names like Aciphex (pronounced ass effects) which ostensibly relieves the symptoms of acid reflux, gas and bloating. Why didn't they just name it Hoof Hearted (say it three times and you'll understand the logic).

Why is it necessary to come up with long unpronounceable names when you can give the consumer a good idea of what the drug is by it's name? Here's some suggestions:

EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOM'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

The News As I See It: Daylight Savings ended Sunday. If you’re confused about when to set your clocks back or ahead, just remember this simple rule: You gain an hour every fall, and you lose an hour every time you watch an episode of "Jersey Shore".

President O'Bozo is on a 10-day trip to India, Indonesia, South Korea, and Japan. Not to be outdone, today Joe Biden went to Epcot Center at Disney world.

Former President Georgie Bush, in his new book, reveals that he considered dropping Dick Cheney in 2002 to show he was in charge, not Cheney. But then Cheney nixed the idea.

This Date In History: 1889; Montana became the 41st state. 1892; Former president Grover Cleveland beat incumbent Benjamin Harrison and became the only president to win nonconsecutive terms in the White House. 1923; Adolf Hitler attempted, and failed, to seize control of the German government in the Beer Hall Putsch.

1960; John F. Kennedy defeated Richard M. Nixon for the presidency of the United States. 1966; Edward W. Brooke of Massachusetts became the first African American to be elected to the U.S. Senate since Reconstruction. 1994; After a 40-year Democrat domination, the Republican Party gained control of the U.S. House of Representatives, as well as a Senate majority.

Picture Of The Day: American voters got rid of most of the congressional trash with the exception of the twinkle toed Barney Frank and lying, thieving Harry Reid.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarfs began to suspect "Hungry". 2) Buffet - A French word that means: Get up and get it yourself! 3) Drinking and sex makes you alert and ready to face the world. It's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast. 4) One of my pet peeves is women who don't put the toilet seat back up when they're finished. 5) Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser......and that's five !

Birthdays: Edmond Halley, English astronomer and mathematician 1656, Bram Stoker, novelist 1847, Margaret Mitchell, novelist 1900, Martha Gellhorn, international correspondent 1908, Christiaan Barnard, surgeon 1923, Bonnie Raitt, blues-rock singer 1949, Parker Posey, actor 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Upon arriving home, a husband is met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explains, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone!" Angry, the husband drives down to the drug store to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he says a word, though, the pharmacist tells him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both my house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

The pharmacist continued, "I opened the store and started waiting on these people, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and when I stood up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer."

He went on, "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing and will not let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and believe me, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this week-end and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me"? After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try on your wedding night. When you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "What the hell was that?" The wife explains, "Oh, nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got me by the balls!"

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed the male hormone testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?'' The woman answered, ''On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

That's it for today my little kid knee beans. Remember, the ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter is Eskimo Pi. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Great advice Jimmy, but I have searched the web, I can't find the 'jackassperin'.

Also this entry was a little disappointing. I just cannot believe you printed that about Reid and Franks. The truth hurts!!!

Julie said...

Poor Pharmacist, I can just picture it. I have to buy Rick some Flipitor, I swear he is going to get us both killed one of these days.

Have a wonderful Tuesday

Rose said...

Order me that Fukitol Pill please!

Hugs, Rose