Monday, November 1, 2010

Don't Let Electile Dysfunction Stop You From Voting Tomorrow !

Tomorrow is election day and not a moment too soon. Besides kicking out government trash, we won't have to hear the overused, lame metaphor "the people who drove the car into the ditch" any longer. Every asshole politician has parroted this line and it's almost as cheesy as hearing the proverbial answer, "I wish for world peace" from beauty pageant contestants.

The only regret that I have is that we can't disqualify every lying, thieving politician who has tritely used the phrase "I will reduce taxes." Reducing taxes, although helpful, will only slightly help the deficit problem. The way to actually reduce the deficit is to stop wasteful government spending and eliminate earmarks. Of course, no politician will run on this platform because it interferes with self interest and self preservation.

The economy is in bad shape and one of the major problems we have today is the lack of jobs. This is basically due to companies moving and outsourcing jobs to other countries. I believe that these companies should have the courage and decency to remain in America.......and go bankrupt like all the rest of us.

In a related story, animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democrat Party. They have apparently learned to just sit on their collective asses, and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance. The photo below is of a Democratic black bear in Yellowstone National Park, in Montana. The park rangers have nicknamed this animal "Bearack Obearma."

The News As I See It: I enjoyed the AREA 51 Halloween parties this weekend. Most of the costumes were interesting except for one of the local drunks. He had to be escorted from the festivities when he took everything off except for his socks and went as Charlie Sheen.

Karl Rove said that Sarah Palin does not have the gravitas to be president of the United States. Sarah Palin is furious. She said that as soon as she finds out what gravitas means, she will respond — and harshly.

This Date In History: 1512; Michelangelo's paintings on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel were shown to the public for the first time. 1755; Earthquake, fires, and tsunami leveled Lisbon and claimed 70,000 lives. 1765; The Stamp Act, the first direct tax on the American colonies, went into effect. 1870; The U.S. Weather Bureau made its first meteorological observations.

1936; Benito Mussolini described the new alliance between Nazi Germany and Italy as an "axis" running between Berlin and Rome. 1952; The United States exploded the first hydrogen bomb in a test in the Marshall Islands. 1993; The Maastricht Treaty was enacted, establishing the European Union.

Picture Of The Day: With all of the political whores scrambling to save their asses tomorrow, I thought that Monica's picture would fit right in.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. 2) NASA has just completed work on a new rocket, nicknamed "Civil Servant." It won't work and they can't fire it. 3) Old is when the porn movie you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis." 4) Regular naps prevent old age especially if you take them while driving. 5) She said "Harder!" I did that. She said "Faster!" I did that. She said "Deeper!" I philosophized......and that's five !

Birthdays: William Merritt Chase, painter 1849, Stephen Crane, novelist, poet 1871, Sholem Asch, Jewish novelist and playwright 1880, Naomi Mitchison, writer 1897, Gary Player, golfer 1936, Lyle Lovett, musician, singer, songwriter 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year ! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season. This decision is not based on religious reasons - they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

News Flash: A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of former President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one. The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal, Linda in Washington for her contribution to today's post.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. The shop owner says,"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."The tourist says, "You can keep the story, but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into the Potomac River with the other. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the river, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. The owner says, "So, you've come back for the rest of the story." The tourist says, "No, I was wondering if you have a bronze congressman."

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The black curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. He pointed out, "In fact, some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about." They asked, "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery? He replied, "Because I'm the guy who painted it. In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch.

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." Obama said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One". The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Obama said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" Obama is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

That's it for today my little turtle doves. Remember, gun exchange programs would work great if they gave you a gun when you handed in a criminal! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

We're in Alabama, in Rural alabama. I understand the Irish coal miner who went home or lunch. I can tell if he ate, it was non fattening.

I unnerstan the 'asses' in Wahsington could fill the stable.

BUT that word, electiledysfunctionalist, Sherry is still 'splaining that one.

WE are in Alabama with no banjo on our knee. And I ain't asking any of these red necks what that word means.

Joann said...

Great post, as always!! I can't WAIT for the elections to be over. I LOVED that last joke about the 3 kids who saved Obozo from drowning!! LOL!!

Heli gunner Tom said...

My wife and I are looking for a little 'pay back' at the polls tomorrow, but I bet we all won't hear all the results for a few weeks...

Tom S

Senorita said...

Thank God the elections are over. I was so tired of hearing all the mudslinging.

I love your Election pictures, btw ! Funny !