Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Life Isn't As Hard As I Thought It Would Be !

I recently spoke with an old high school friend and she asked me if I was going to "the reunion." Since I was knee deep in my second glass of Johnnie Walker Black, I cleverly replied, "What reunion?" Well, it seems that my high school alumni are preparing for our 50 year reunion. Now there's a thought.

Other than a few aches and pains each morning, my feeble little mind still thinks I'm in my twenties. This thought actually stays in my mind each and every day. There's always the occasional reminder like when I go into the bathroom each morning to wash my face and I have to wait for the old guy in front of me to finish. It is only then that I realize that the old guy is me.

But, after a hot shower and a shave, I get dressed and hit the road and, little by little , by twenties mentality returns and I'm as good as new. I clean up pretty well and other than the occasional mirror intervention, that's my basic mentality and outlook on life.The fifty year reunion will probably be a lot of fun and I look forward to it. It will probably be a blast seeing a bunch of geriatrics on Viagra with twenty year old attitudes. I love it!

The News As I See It: In the wake of record losses, the U.S. Postal Service announced it is cutting 7,500 jobs. But a spokesman for the post office said those positions could be restored if this whole email thing turns out to be nothing but a fad.

The Census Bureau says 50 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S. You know what that really means? There are 80 million Hispanic people that now live in the U.S.

President Obozo addressed the nation on Libya. This changes his previous policy on Libya, which was, "Don't ask, don't tell." Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it a "kinetic military action," which sounds better than "potentially endless quagmire."

Critics were saying that Obozo seemed defensive and slightly angry during his speech on Libya. Sounds like somebody’s March Madness bracket isn’t doing so hot. The Prez is being criticized by both parties for not having a clear strategy to get out of Libya. But neither does Moammar Gadhafi, so it’s OK. Obozo said that he has clear and focused goals in Libya. He said he would share those goals with us as soon as Hillary shares them with him.

A reporter in Florida said he was forced into a closet by Joe O'Biden’s staff to keep him from talking to guests at a fundraiser. He said it wouldn’t have been so bad if O'Biden wasn’t already in there for the same reason.

This Week In History: 1842; Anesthesia was used for the first time in an operation. 1856; The Treaty of Paris was signed, ending the Crimean War. 1867; A treaty for the purchase of Alaska from Russia for the sum of $7.2 million, approximately two cents an acre, was submitted to the U.S. Senate.

1870; The 15th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into effect, guaranteeing the right to vote regardless of race. 1964; The game show Jeopardy debuted on television. 1981 President Ronald Reagan was shot in the chest by John Hinckley as he left a Washington hotel. 2002; The Queen Mother Elizabeth of England died at the age of 101.

Picture Of The Day: It's hard to explain today's theme, but I'm sure you'll get the point in the end.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sunday, March 27th, Viagra celebrated it's 13th year on the market. I find it believe it's been so long.... 2) Researchers have finally released the ingredients in Viagra: 2% aspirin, 2% ibuprofen, 1% filler, and 95% "Fix a Flat". 3) I only take a half of a Viagra pill. It enhances my my sex lfe and it's enough so that I don't pee on my shoes. 4) Older guys are now taking a new combination, Viagra and Doan's Pills, so the back won't peter out and the peter won't back out. 5) I had to quit taking iron supplements when I used Viagra. Every time I got an erection, I pointed north.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aries - March 30th: The night may feel like a safe time to parade naked through the local city streets, however, you may find there are some that oppose your freedom. Whenever you feel unhappy today, smile and go to the toilet. This action should soon turns things around for you. Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good start. Opportunity is waiting round every corner.Serendipity is right around the corner, waiting for you to bump into it. If you pause, say to try and scrape off some dog poop from the bottom of your shoe, you might miss it. However, if you keep the dog poop on your shoe and meet your serendipitous friend, the smell might be off-putting enough to close the deal. That's life!

Birthdays: Francisco Goya, artist 1746, Anna Sewell, author of Black Beauty 1820, Paul Verlaine, poet 1844, Vincent Van Gogh post-impressionist painter 1853, Sean O'Casey, dramatist 1884, Warren Beatty, director, actor, producer 1937, Celine Dion, singer 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. The doctor asked, "What about trying Viagra?" Mrs Murphy said, "Not a chance. He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." The doctor says, "No problem, drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how things go.

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. Mrs. Murphy said, "Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor. I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on top of the tablet. It was terrible." The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." Mrs. Murphy replied, "That's okay. We can't go back to that restaurant anyway."

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man rolls over a lets a fart. His wife turns to him and asks, "What in the world was that?" The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?" She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."

The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard that he shits all over the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Half time. Switch sides."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man got a prescription for Viagra. Anxious to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but, in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his parrot eats all of them. Seeing the results, the man panics, grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.

Just as his wife comes home, the Viagra kicks in and it's hours later before he remembers the parrot. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.The man says, "What happened? You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?" The parrot pants, "Have you ever tried to pry apart a frozen chicken's legs?"

A man dies "in the act" after taking Viagra and rigor mortis has set into his private parts. The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow. He says to the widow, "I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra large coffin or to amputate his member."

The widow replies, "Well I have no more money and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece."The funeral director thinks about this and says, "Okay, I'll amputate his penis and then stick it up his backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and your husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece." The widow reluctantly agrees.

On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased's face, looking for all the world like a teardrop. The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the "teardrop" and says to him quietly, "See, I told you that hurts!"

That's it for today my little orange blossoms. Remember, if anybody ever steals a crate load of Viagra, you can be sure that the police will be looking for hardened criminals and they will face stiff penalties. It's Hump Day (yea!) and a good reason to go to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, March 28, 2011

What Happened To The Aflac Duck?

Gilbert Godfried was the voice for the Aflac duck. Godfried recently made insensitive comments on Twitter about the recent tragedy in Japan and consequently, Aflac fired Godfried as the duck's voice. Now personally, I don't give a shit about Godfried, but I do like the duck.....and he may be in danger.

Aflac recently aired a commercial on prime-time television, a silent movie featuring the duck in a classic damsel-in-distress storyline. Aflac says it’s "committed to the duck" and the insurer is holding an open casting call for the mascot's voice.

Word has it that Donald Duck is considering auditioning for the voice, but most people in the know assure me that Daisy Duck has put her webbed foot down and will not allow Donald to audition. Nevertheless, someone will be hired to give the duck it's new voice and I think the president could handle the job well.

The News As I See It: Dennis Kucinich wants to impeach President Obozo over Libya. There’s a very good case against impeachment. It’s called "Joe O'Biden." For Lent, some people give up meat, and some people give up drinking. President Obama gave up conferring with Congress.

The Eiffel Tower was evacuated after a suspicious package was found. French investigators were baffled by this object for hours. It turns out it was just a can of deodorant. They had never seen anything like that.

According to a new report, 65 million Americans have a criminal record. So in the event of a continued lockout, NFL owners will have plenty of replacement players.

In another report, medical marijuana sales in this country are now approaching $2 billion a year. I had no idea that so many people had glaucoma. Apparently this is an epidemic.

The two passenger planes that landed in Washington, D.C. with no assistance from a sleeping air traffic controller were lucky, the pilots were too drunk to notice.

ABC is not pressing charges against Chris Brown for smashing the window in his dressing room. Unfortunately though, Microsoft is suing him for violating their patent on crashing Windows.

I read about a three-year-old boy in China who weighs 132 pounds. In fact, he’s so overweight that he can barely walk to work in the morning.

This Date In History: 1797: Nathaniel Briggs patented a washing machine. 1930; The cities of Constantinople and Angora changed names to Istanbul and Ankara, Turkey. 1939; The Spanish Civil War ended. 1941; Author Virginia Woolf drowned herself.

1979; Nuclear power plant accident at Three Mile Island, near Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. 2000; Supreme Court rules unanimously that an anonymous tip does not justify a stop-and-frisk action against a person.

Picture Of The Day The Aflac Duck is a gold mine for the Aflac company and it was a pretty good deal for comedian Gilbert Godfried. I've never quite understood what sparks the thought to kill the goose, duck, that laid the golden egg but a lot of people do just exactly that.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. 2) Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it. 3) I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've already experienced pain and bought jewelry. 4) Even though a marriage is made in heaven, the maintenance work has to be done here on earth! 5) Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aries - March 28th: Any satisfaction you had about not having a police record, may be undone today. Just as small peppers are supposed to be the hottest, there may be a small person who's ready to heat up your life. Watch out for the seeds though - they can cause problems. Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look everywhere for it. However, you will discover that temptation itself is not as harmful as running the streets naked. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and are you ever gonna need some beholdin' today.

Birthdays: Fra Bartolommeo, artist 1475, Maxim Gorky, writer 1868, August Busch, brewer 1899, Rudolf Serkin, pianist 1903, Dirk Bogarde, actor 1920, Nydia Velázquez, politician 1953, Reba McEntire, country singer 1955.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout "Shit, missed." The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tongue no longer and said, "Don't swear like that or God will punish you." The builder apologized and the game continued.

As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted "Shit, missed", and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes. The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said, "I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"

Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out "Shit, missed".

Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead. Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "Shit, missed!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing, "Freeze a jolly good fellow" and then they kick him in the ice hole....

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" The second bee said, "Really bad. The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey." The first bee said, "No problem. Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." The second bee said, "Thanks for the tip," and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" The second bee said, "Great! It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table." The first bee said, "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" The second bee said, "That's my yarmulke. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Authors Note: Blogger recently had a malfunction which makes posting very difficult. The problem is being addressed and will hopefully be fixed soon. I hope to be posting more timely when the problem is corrected.

That's it for now my little whipper snappers. Remember, a good marriage is like a casserole: only those involved actually know what goes into it. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, March 25, 2011

I Can See Clearly Now.....

I went to the optometrist today to get new sun glasses. It was either that or get a seeing eye dog. Since my insurance doesn't cover the seeing eye dog, I went with the eye doctor. The exam went fine and they made a slight correction to my prescription.

I went to the next room to select new glasses and the technician left me alone for a few minutes to browse. With the exception of the designer names boldly emblazoned on each set of glasses, they all looked the same to me. I had finally settled on a few styles to try when the technician returned.

The tech then brought two trays of glasses. The only mental image I can give you is that the selection looked like rejects from Elton John, Stevie Wonder and the Cuban refugees arriving in Miami in the early 1960's.

I told the tech that I had settled on two or three pairs on the adjacent display case. She said, "Those aren't covered by your insurance. These two trays are the only ones covered." I said, "Then my choices are to pay cash out of pocket or look like Desi Arnaz? Come on Lucy, give me a little help here." The tech said, "I'm sorry, but that's the facts."

I selected my glasses and left to go home, strangely feeling the desire to sing "Babalu......"

The News As I See It: It’s being reported that Moammar Gadhafi is surrounded by an elite core of beautiful female bodyguards. In a related story, Charlie Sheen invaded Libya. Sheen is still a big story because, to be quite honest, none of us know where Libya is.

We’re fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we’d be fighting if President Obozo hadn’t won the Nobel Peace Prize. This would be funnier if it wasn't true. Obozo wins a Peace Prize less than ten months into his first term? What a joke!

President Obozo cut his trip to Latin America short by a few hours because of the situation in Libya. So to everyone who said Obozo didn’t care about Libya, you’re wrong. He cares three hours worth. Personally, I think he returned early to check on his NCAA basketball brackets.

The Pentagon says that U.S. operations in Libya are limited and have a definite end date. Right! We still have troops in Germany.

Germany has pulled its forces out of NATO over Libya. When the Germans don’t want to fight and the French do, the whole world is upside down. It’s one humiliation after another for Moammar Gadhafi. First his own people started rising up against him, then his compound was bombed, and now he’s getting beaten up by the French. Gadhafi must really have a crummy army if the French can beat him. During World War II, every time a car backfired, ten French soldiers surrendered.

The NAACP is taking a greater interest in attracting leaders from the gay community. This explains their new name, the "National Association for the Advancement of Color-Coordinated People."

President Obozo had to use another door to get into the White House yesterday after he got home from South America and the entrance to the Oval Office was locked. When he couldn’t get in, Obama said, "Holy shit, is it 2012 already?"

This Date In History: 1634; Maryland was founded by settlers sent by the late Lord Baltimore. 1894; Jacob Sechler Coxey and his "army" of unemployed men began their march from Ohio to Washington, DC. 1911; A fire at the Triangle Shirtwaist Co. in New York City killed 145 workers. 1931; The Scottsboro boys were arrested in Alabama.

1934; Horton Smith won the first Masters golf tournament at Augusta National in Georgia. 1957; The European Economic Community was established by the Treaty of Rome. 1975; King Faisal of Saudi Arabia was shot and killed by his nephew. 1994; U.S. troops withdrew from Somalia.

Picture Of The Day: This photoshop picture came out soon after Elizabeth Taylor's death and it struck my fancy.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've read about the danger and evils of drinking alcohol, so I gave up reading. 2) I was once pulled over in Miami because the police officer thought I had been drinking. He asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in the state was. I said, "I don't know, re-election to the Senate?" 3) Three hundred sixty-five days of drinking low-calorie beer equals one light year. 4) Yeah, I know, some people are against drinking and driving, but you know, sometimes you've just got no choice. Those kids gotta get to school. 5) When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!.....and that's five!

Bonus Sixth: You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a bar stool as a walker to get home.

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aries - March 25th: All of that which you experience today will be catalogued under "things not to do in public again". Your talents dictate that you will not go so far. You will be glad of a loved one's ability to almost painlessly remove splinters from your ass without asking how they got there. You may never find what you're looking for, but at least you managed to find that picture of the chimp sitting on a toilet reading a newspaper. Deja vu is not a Thai dish that you had two weeks ago.

Birthdays: Arturo Toscanini, conductor 1867, Bela Bartok, composer 1881,
Howard Cosell, sports commentator 1920, Simone Signoret, actress 1921,
Flannery O'Connor, author 1925, Gloria Steinem, journalist and feminist 1934, Aretha Franklin, soul singer 1942, Elton John, musician, singer, songwriter 1947, Sarah Jessica Parker, actress

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough and said, "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is? I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

The young guy replied, "You're on, old man." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "All right. Get in."

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry, we can't hire you."

The man said, "Wait, if I take two aspirin, the winking stops!" The interviewer said, "Really? Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms, red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms. Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

The interviewer says, "That's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" The man says, "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" The interviewer says, "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" The man says, "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for a bottle of aspirin?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Julie for her contribution to today's stories. Thanks Jules!

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume and regretfully explained to her that he had nothing worthy of her talents. The woman answered that she really needed work and would take almost anything. The personnel manager hemmed and hawed and finally said that he did have a low-skill job on the Tickle Me Elmo line, but nothing else. The woman happily accepted his offer. He took her down to the line, explained her duties, and told her to report at 8:00 AM the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there was a knock at the personnel manager's door. The Tickle Me Elmo line manager came in and started ranting about the woman who had just been hired. After listening to how badly backed up the assembly line was, the personnel manager suggested that the line manager show him the problem. Together they went down to the line and, sure enough, Elmos were backed up from here to kingdom come.

Right at the end of the line was the woman who had just been hired. She had pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos, and had a big bag of marbles. They both watched as she cut a little piece of fabric, took two marbles, and started sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager walked over to the new employee, and said, "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number nine." Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What in the world is that?" Boudreaux says, "Tree and tree and tree makes nine."

The boss says, "Fair enough. Second questions, same rules, but represent ninety-nine." Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree and says, "Der ya go sir." he says. The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent ninety-nine?" Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat's ninety-nine."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number three. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 1one hundred." Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - one hundred." The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents one hundred."

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and takes a shit by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start my job?"

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again and says, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

That's it for today my little beannie babies. Remember, you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive on the expressway. Have a fantastic weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Just Tell Them What They Want To Hear !

Politicians, from the president down to the local politicians in the cities and towns across America have been reduced to spinning the truth to fit their needs and rarely address any point that doesn't conveniently serve their interests. I can still recall some of the unmemorable, never changing speeches from past campaigns, to wit:

My Fellow Americans:

My name is Lying Politician and I'm a candidate for (president, congress, mayor, city council, dog catcher....whatever). My opponent, Thieving Politician, is a wife beater, communist, socialist, drunkard, and car thief. If elected, I will cut your taxes, stop the war, buy you a car, send your children to college and mow your lawn. Please vote for me in November.

This is the new politics of America. Insult the opponent, promise the voters anything knowing full well that you're a lying thief and be as vague as possible about your background and true self. Politicians are lower than whale shit and that's quite a feat indeed, seeing that whale shit is at the bottom of the ocean.

Elizabeth Taylor died this morning due to complications with congestive heart failure. The iconic, glamorous star was an outstanding actress and described by Gene Seymour for CNN as, the "Last Star." An outstanding woman in many ways, managing to outlive her New York Times obituary writer, Elizabeth Taylor left her mark on the world. She starred in many movies, among them National Velvet, Cleopatra, Butterfield 8 and Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolfe, the latter two movies garnering her Oscars for her performances. Ms. Taylor was 79 years old.

The News As I See It: Everyone is focused on basketball's March Madness but there haven’t been any games in a few days. It’s been so boring that President Obozo has decided to focus on the situations in Libya and Japan.

Remember when President Obozo was campaigning for the presidency saying we can’t fight two wars and vowing to change our policy? Well, he did. Now we’re fighting three wars. Obozo said America will send economic aid to Libya to help the Libyan people reach their dreams. And if that works, he'll try it here.

News reports say that 10,000 to 15,000 people each day are coming across the border from Libya into Egypt. Or as they call it in California, a 'trickle.'" The strikes on Libya are costing $100 million. Or, in Moammar Gadhafi terms, five Beyonce concerts.

Sarah Palin visited the Wailing Wall in Israel. There was an awkward moment when she asked, "So this keeps the Mexicans out?" Palin says she likes all religions, "whether they celebrate Christmas or Jewish."

It rained really hard on the Los Angeles Marathon. Fortunately, unlike other marathons, in the L.A. Marathon you’re allowed to drive your car. The rains didn't seem to bother the Mexican population in L.A. I guess it was like the Rio Grande river rolling off a mexican duck's back.

An Ethiopian man won the marathon and broke all the records. He had never run in a race and he had a bad stomach going into it. In fact, he didn’t even know he was in a marathon.

Cocaine was found at the Kennedy Space Center. It’s one small step for man, and one giant leap for Charlie Sheen.

This Date In History: 1775; Patrick Henry declared "Give me liberty, or give me death." 1806; Lewis and Clark began their return journey east. 1919; Benito Mussolini founded his own party in Italy, the Fasci di Combattimento. 1983; U.S. President Ronald Reagan proposed a space-based missile defense system called the Strategic Defense Initiative or "Star Wars."

1998; The motion picture epic “Titanic” won 11 Oscars at the 70th Academy Awards, tying it with "Ben-Hur" for the most ever. 2001; Russia's Mir space station ended its 15-year orbit of the Earth, splashing down in the South Pacific. 2003; A U.S. Army convoy was ambushed in Iraq with 11 killed and seven captured, including Pfc. Jessica Lynch.

Picture Of The Day: Of all the Liz Taylor movies, I remember National Velvet the most distinctly. See the movie at a young age left fond memories of Ms. Taylor, Mickey Rooney and especially Velvet.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Why is Wednesday called "Hump Day" when most people get laid on the weekends? 2) One of the major reasons that beer has always maintained it's popularity is that it's been helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C. 3) Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex. 4) Good sex can correct poor posture or at least make you stand up straight. 5) I believe in safe sex! I've got a handrail all around the bed.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aries - March 23rd: The accuracy of any horoscope today will be directly related to the number of crazy things you do. A skydiving accident may befall you if you go skydiving. On the other hand, you have five fingers. The chances are that staying at home and doing the same things as every other day will not harm your chances of having a good day. You will be plagued by happy people, but don't be swayed by them, stay miserable. Many shoes in your closet are a sign that you have an eventful life and are nothing to be embarrassed about....with the exception of the boots with six inch heels and matching whip.

Birthdays: Sweet Larissa - Happy Birthday Beautiful ! 19XX, My pal Vega - Happy B-day Bud 19XX, John Bartram, botanist 1699, Pierre Simon Laplace, astronomer and mathematician 1749, William Smith, geologist 1769, Juan Gris, artist 1887, Erich Fromm, psychoanalyst and author 1900, Joan Crawford, actress 1908, Akira Kurosawa, Japanese film director, scriptwriter, and producer 1910, Wernher von Braun, scientist 1912, Donald Malcolm Campbell, automobile and boat racer 1921, Roger Bannister, physician, athlete 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A woman was at the doctor's office with her husband. She took the doctor aside and said, "I don't want to say anything in front of my husband, but, lately, he's been buying Purina Dog Chow at the grocery store and eating it as a snack."

The doctor said, "That's unusual. Is he doing anything else that seems strange?" The woman says, "Yes, when I'm driving, he likes to stick his head out of the window for the fresh air." The doctor says, "This sounds like he may have Canus Complexus. In layman's terms, he may think that he's a dog."

The woman lamented, "That sounds serious, doctor. Is there anything you can do for him?" The doctor replied, "Yes, it could kill him. But there's a new drug that I can give him that should help. You mix it in with his food along with some wet dog food. After a while the drug and dog food mixture will begin to make him sick when he eats the dog chow and it should return him to normal."

Six months passed and the doctor happened to see the woman at the shopping mall dressed in black. The doctor greeted the woman and asked, "How is your husband?" The woman sadly told the doctor, "He passed away two weeks ago." The doctor was deeply moved and said, "My sincere condolences. I really thought that the dog food and drug mixture would have cured him, not killed him"

Then woman said, "Oh, no doctor. The dog food and drugs mixture didn't bother him at all." The doctor asked, "Then, how did he die?" The woman replied, "He was sitting in the middle of the road licking his balls and a dump truck ran over him."

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. She replied coolly, "Your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid replies. "Wow! Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door and says, "Brenda, may I come in? I've somethin' to tell ya." Mrs. O'Malley says, "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" Tim says, "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda cries, "Oh Lord no! Please don't tell me...." Tim said, "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" Tim says, "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." Brenda cried, "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" Tim says, "Well, no Brenda...fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her righthand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

That's it for today my little chicken fingers. Remember, it isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. I think I'll head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, March 21, 2011

Unions: The Downside

While I can appreciate the pros and cons of unions in the state of Wisconsin, I am reminded of a story about union brothels in Las Vegas and their effects on a decision made by one particular client. A dedicated union shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?" The Madame replied, "No, I'm sorry, it isn't." The union man asked, "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" The Madame replied, "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

At the second one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?" The Madame said, "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," The union man asked, "If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" The Madame said, "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Again offended, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house." The union man said, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" The Madame said, "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." The union man said, "That's more like it!"

He looked around the room, pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde and said, "I'd like her for the night." The Madame gestured to an ugly old woman in the corner and said, "I'm sure you would sir, but Nancy here has seniority."

The News As I See It: President Obozo told Americans not to worry about the radiation from Japan — as he left for South America.

Speaking of Obozo, lt only took 18 days of demonstrations for Egypt to get rid of their idiot. Where do you figure we all might ought to meet?

According to a recent poll, 42 percent of Americans celebrated St. Patrick’s Day. The other 58 percent got drunk because it was Thursday. St. Patrick’s Day was followed by another holiday, "St. Call in Sick to Work Day."

New software lets you see what your Facebook friends look like naked. In an unrelated story, I just un-friended my dad on Facebook.

Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who believes so strongly in states rights can't get her states right.

Julianne Moore will play Sarah Palin in an upcoming movie. They got an unknown to play Levi Johnston. It’s Levi Johnston.

This Date In History: 1556; The Archbishop of Canterbury, Thomas Cranmer, was burned at the stake as a heretic. 1804; The French civil code, the Code Napoleon, was officially put forth. 1871; Journalist Henry M. Stanley began his trek to find the missionary and explorer David Livingstone.

1960; Police fired on demonstrators in Sharpeville, South Africa, after which the African National Congress was banned. 25 years later, a march marking the anniversary was also disrupted by police fire. 1963; Alcatraz Prison in San Francisco Bay, a harsh maximum security jail which once housed gangster Al Capone, closed.

Picture Of The Day: Ah, yes.....and we thought Jimmy Carter was a loser. Oh well, when in doubt and the going gets tough, take the family to Brazil until things cool down.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarfs began to suspect "Hungry". 2) Love is like a fire. You never know whether it will warm your heart or burn down your house. 3) Politics is one of the few professions where, if you succeed, there are many rewards. If you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.

4) Sex is not that important. It's the afterward part when you're naked, it's warm and you watch the sun come up through the windshield. You look in her good eye and you help strap on her leg and you realize that you probably just screwed a pirate. 5) Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards......and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aries - March 21st: Your luck has finally run out this week and everything comes out in the open. Everything you hear today will sound echoey and dull. A trip to the doctors might be necessary later next week. Halitosis can be very painful, especially if the person with bad breath is trying to spell the word "halitosis" in a confined space. The word "Saucy!" should not be used as a synonym for sweaty. "Have a good day!" is not something you'll want to hear from anyone as you suffer from a bottom related illness.

Waiting for your loved one to come to you could be a big mistake. This is especially true for at least one person today, whose loved one happens to drive a very large bus and will suddenly lose the ability to brake while driving straight towards your house.

Birthdays: Johann Sebastian Bach, German composer and organist 1685, Jean Baptiste Joseph Fourier, mathematician and physicist 1768, Benito Juarez, statesman 1806, Modest Mussorgsky, composer 1839, Florenz Ziegfeld, theatrical producer 1869, Phyllis McGinley, poet 1905, Matthew Broderick, actor 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

An old man was attending a lecture on efficiency. When the efficiency expert concluded his lecture, the old man stood up and said, "You don't want to try these techniques at home." The efficiency expert asked, "Why not?" The old man said, "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years. She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time."

The old man continued, "So, I said, 'Honey, Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The efficiency expert asked, "Did it save time?" The old man replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

Two old men were discussing their jobs and the first man said, " I interviewed three women today for a secretarial position and the new girl starts on Monday." The second man asked, "How did you know which one to hire?" The first man said, "I asked each woman the same question, 'What would you do if you found $100 lying on the floor in the office?'" The second man asked, "what did they say?"

The first man said, "One said, 'I would post a sign saying that some money had been found, and try to find person who lost it.' The second one said, 'I would lock up the money up in my desk, and if no one claims that they have lost any money, I would keep it.' The third one said, 'I would turn it over to the building security.'"

The second man asked, "So, who did you hire?" The first man replied, "The one with the big tits."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A woman was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to check out, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane 13, Tampax Supersize."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed and, just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look, lie here on the bed. You'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in and says, "What are you doing here!?" The manager nervously replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

That's it for today my little licorice sticks. Remember, the consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !