Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Anti-Aging And Beautifying Cream - Before and After

There an infomercial that hypes a product called Youthology that's used to reduce wrinkles and bags around the eyes. I recommend using Preparation H instead because it works. The only side effect is that it makes you look like an asshole.

I went to the Internet and saw mixed reactions as to the usefulness of Youthology. Most of the reviews are negative. My thoughts are that if something seems too good to be true, it probably doesn't work.

Truth be known, some of the most beautiful women in the world use Preparation H on their face which reduces the appearance of bags and wrinkles and it is said that it works quite well.

Maryland state officials say they're being invaded by a dangerous fish called a snakehead. The problem with these fish is they eat everything in their path. A few snakeheads will go through a lake's ecosystem faster than Johnny Depp goes through a bottle of mascara.

I love going fishing. I think it's really about the clothes. Nothing says "real man" like a vest with 38 pockets and a mesh hat with hooks in it.

There's something very satisfying about waking up early, catching fish, cleaning it and cooking it up yourself. Then again, there's something even more satisfying about sleeping late and then going to a restaurant and having sauteed snapper in lemon butter.

The News As I See It: Joe O'Biden launched a new Twitter account to give supporters updates from the campaign trail. Like his most recent update: "They still won't let me go on the campaign trail."

Keith Olbermann is suing his former employer, Current TV, for $70 million. That comes out to $10 million per viewer.

At Monday's annual White House Easter Egg Roll, thirty thousand kids and their parents participated. At this point there has to be thousands of undiscovered Easter eggs on the lawn of the White House. Future civilizations will think we were ruled by chickens.

Mitt Romney had an Easter egg hunt as well. He does it a little differently. He hides money offshore, then the kids hunt for the nest egg.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie became ill while celebrating Easter. They rushed him to the hospital with an impacted peep.

This Date In History: 1814; Napoleon was exiled to the island of Elba. 1899; The treaty ending the Spanish-American War took effect. 1921; Iowa imposed the first state cigarette tax.

1945; Allies liberated Buchenwald concentration camp. 1951; President Harry Truman fired General Douglas McArthur. 1968; President Lyndon B. Johnson signed the 1968 Civil Rights Act.

1979; Ugandan dictator Idi Amin was overthrown. 1981; President Ronald Reagan returned to the White House after he was shot in an assassination attempt. 2007; Science-fiction writer Kurt Vonnegut died in New York City at age 84.

Picture Of The Day: Double entendre....

You're welcome

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My cat, Shithead, usually decides what time we get up each morning. 2) The old gray males, they ain't what they used to be ! 3) One of the most favorite games they play at Uncle Henry's nursing home is "Hide and Go Pee." 4) I was dyslexci as a chlid and wrote about it in my dairy. I'm ovre it own. 5) My first wife was Italian and my second wife was Cuban. My third wife is a figment of her imagination whose face is much younger than than my previous wives and changes from time to time.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 11th: If at first you don't succeed, try playing left field. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. It's hump day and as long as you don't take that literally, you'll have a pretty good day. Chance of romance is 37.66 percent, Hey! I said don't take hump day literally. 

Birthdays: My friend Peter - Happy Birthday Bud! 19XX, Charles Evans Hughes, American statesman and jurist 1862, Dean Acheson statesman 1893, Percy Lavon Julian chemist 1899, Oleg Cassini fashion designer 1913.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read......"and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Two old ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. She just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Hump Day

A turkey was chatting with a bull and said,  "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy." The bull replied,  "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings? They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife. The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture, then takes off his hat and gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, "Yeah, I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

Obama walks into a Washington D.C. bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?" The parrot answers, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."

That's it for today, my little swizzle sticks. Remember, you have to remember one thing about the will of the people. It wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. Happy hour in AREA 51 sounds like a plan and that's where I'm heading. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

We will find out about that turkey in the top of the tree full of crap in a few months, I hope the farmers are good shots, otherwise...............!
De nada!

Paula said...

Are you selling Preparation H now?