Friday, April 20, 2012

Politics Is Going To The Dogs

The Democrats and Republicans continue to throw stones at each other during the 2012 election campaign. Their latest attacks, however, amuse me. Democrats say Romney once transported his Irish Setter in a container on the roof of his car. Republicans say that, in excerpts from his book, Obama admitted to eating dog meat as a child in Indonesia. 

Since all politicians are assholes, stupid stories like these thoroughly delight me and provide me with fodder for my stories. Instead of concentrating on what's good for America, politicians look for garbage in each other's trash bins to throw at each other....much like the monkeys and chimpanzees at the zoo hurl their excrement ("shit" for the hard of understanding) at the visitors.

The photoshop gang is having a ball with this and, in Obama's case, comedians are providing some humorous "Dog Recipes From My Father" jokes. Chow Chow Mein and Chicken Poodle soup are two of my favorites. On the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats.

Between Romney and Obama, it is a frightening time to be a dog in this country, but the best time ever to be a cat.

The News As I See It: Justin Timberlake announced he is unveiling his own line of home decor things. I haven't been this excited since Hooters announced they were lifting my lifetime ban.

Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign with a new series of ads. His first ad boasts that his secret service administration has already found jobs for eleven Colombian women.

The Secret Service prostitution scandal has gotten worse because apparently agents were also snorting cocaine. However, in the agents' defense, all Colombian hotels offer cocaine in the mini bar.

Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals at the St. Louis zoo and was bit on the hand by a penguin. Hey, when you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you.

Paying income taxes is depressing, but just remember, you're paying for roads, bridges, hospitals and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately, that nation is Afghanistan.

Japanese researchers have successfully grown hair on a bald mouse. The researchers are ecstatic, and the mouse is relieved he doesn't have to keep wearing that stupid toupee.

This Date In History: 1769; Ottawa Indian chief Pontiac murdered. 1841; The first detective story, Edgar Allen Poe's Murders in the Rue Morgue, was published. 1902; Marie and Pierre Curie isolated radium.

1912; Bram Stoker, author of Dracula, died. 1912; The Boston Red Sox played their first game at Fenway Park. They beat the N.Y. Highlanders (who in 1913 would become known as the Yankees) 7-6.

1971; The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the practice of busing for racial desegregation. 1999; Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold went on a shooting spree at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colo. 14 students (including the shooters) and 1 teacher were killed; 23 others were wounded.

2008; Danica Patrick won the Indy Japan 300, becoming the first woman to win an Indy Car race. 2010; An explosion on a BP oil drilling rig off the coast of Louisiana kills 11 people and injures 17. Experts estimate that 13,000 gallons of crude oil per hour are pouring into the Gulf of Mexico.

Picture Of The Day: You'd think that with all the problems and scandals going on in America, the media would be a bit more focused on the issues'd be wrong!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If I ever get another cat, I'm going to name him Mandu. 2) I don't subscribe to Twitter and I have never tweeted although I once slept with a lovely English bird who chirped. 3) To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. 4) Watching commercials showing how detergent will take out bloodstains leads me to believe that if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.5) At the bank yesterday, I went through the little rope maze that they put up when the bank is busy. The funny thing is that there were no customers in the bank, yet I went through the maze anyway. The teller gave me my deposit receipt but neglected to give me my cheese reward.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 20th: Yea, it's Friday! Time for some weekend fun! Check your mail before going shopping. You may already have won five million dollars. Tonight will go well and chance of romance is 67.18 percent. It'll be a lot higher if you win the five million. Remember, first you pillage, then you burn.

Birthdays: Daniel Chester French sculptor 1850, Joan Mir├│ artist 1893, Lionel Hampton vibraphonist and bandleader, 1908, Tito Puente musician, jazz percussionist 1923, Jessica Lange actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding and came to a fork in the river. The gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat ! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes.

The next day, they were riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?" She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were 'Hump or Drown.'"

An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman, who asked, "Have you been drinking tonight, sir?" The man smiled and replied, "Well, I may have had a beer or two. Why do you ask?"

The policeman said "Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back." The old man replied, "Thank God! For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling." To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells..."Supplies!"

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red? " The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" The woman replied, "No, but my cucumbers are enormous....."

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." The doctor replied, "That's not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down."

That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, if it weren't for marriage, most of us would have gone through life thinking we had no faults at all. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !