Easter Sunday always brings fond memories for me. I always looked forward to my Easter basket, the chocolate bunny and the Easter egg hunt. As I've grown older, it's even more fun as I can now hide my own Easter eggs.
Of course, prior to any of the above there was the obligatory trip to church for Easter services. I was always amazed at the number of attendees at Easter church services only to learn later on in life that it was also a fashion show for the ladies.
In those days, my mother rarely missed church services while my father was a bit lax in his attendance. I recall coming out of church one day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my father by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord." My Dad said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" Dad whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!"
Okay, maybe I stretched the truth a bit about Dad with that story but Mom definitely had better attendance than Dad. Of course, Mom didn't enjoy fishing as much as my Dad did. Given the fact that Dad worked six days a week, I'm sure the good Lord gave a Dad a few free passes.
The News As I See It: Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal? They were profiting from insider information. I wonder why they didn't use inside information to pay off the $15 trillion debt?
A new picture was just released of Obama giving the Star Trek Vulcan salute at the White House. Even Spock was like, "Whoa, look at that guy’s ears!"
Ryan Seacrest finally made his highly publicized "major announcement" on the "Today" show, revealing that he will take part in NBC’s coverage of the London Olympics. The other thing he revealed? That he doesn't know what a major announcement is.
The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.
Allegiant Airlines has announced it will start charging $35 extra if you have carry-on bags. Meanwhile, JetBlue is charging $35 extra if you want a pilot who isn't insane.
Best Buy announced they're going to close stores in the United States while opening 50 new stores in China during the same time. They say opening the stores in China will save shipping costs because all the stuff is made there anyway.
On Earth Day the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. On the down side, 10 endangered eagles then crashed into the building.
This Date In History: 1830; Joseph Smith and five others organized the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Fayette, New York. 1862; The Battle of Shiloh in the American Civil War began. 1896; First modern Olympic Games opened in Athens, Greece.
1909; Robert Peary and Matthew Henson became the first to reach the North Pole. 1917; U.S. declared war on Germany and entered World War I. 1994; The presidents of Rwanda and Burundi were killed in a plane crash.
Picture Of The Day: An Easter cake for my peeps.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A new study claims that four out of ten Americans are now obese. The study was conducted by anyone working at a water park. 2) I've always wondered why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 3) The "Alphabet song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune (stop singing and read). 4) I went to the library and asked the librarian where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. 5) My friend has one of those strollers for twins. He only has one kid, but he got the stroller free. He says when his kid gets older, he'll tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 6th: Hey, how bad could it be? It's Friday and happy hour nears. Don't be afraid to take off a little early from work. Anything undone will be waiting for you on Monday, so go for it. Chance of romance is 67.41 percent with clear skies.
Birthdays: My friend Judith - Happy Birthday young lady 19XX, Raphael Santi, Italian Renaissance painter 1843, James Mill philosopher, economist, and historian 1773, Anthony Fokker aircraft manufacturer 1890, Andre Previn conductor, composer, and pianist 1929.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in an adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago."
The old lady continued, "So, where were you all these years?" The man says, "In prison." The old lady asked, "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." The old woman said, "Oh! So you're single...?!"
After an examination, the doctor said to the old man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" The old man replied, "In fact, I do. After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?" The woman replied, "Yeah, that's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Skip for his contribution to today's stories.
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
The moral of this story? You can't kill two birds with one stone.
There were two ministers, Johnson and Green, who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking. Then one Sunday, Minister Johnson arrived walking. Minister Green asked, "My what happened to your bike?" Minister Johnson said, "Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"
Minister Green said, "My lord!" Then an idea struck him, "You want to know how to get your bike back?" Minister Johnson replied, "Yeah." Minister Green said, "Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about 'Thou shall not steal', just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."
The next Sunday Minister Johnson comes riding up on his bike. Minister Green says, "Hey I see my suggestion worked." Minister Johnson said, "Well sort of. I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."
That's it for today, my little Easter bunnies. Remember, two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane. The AREA 51 happy hour services begin at 6pm and I plan on attending. Have a Happy Easter and a great weekend. More on Monday.
Stay Tuned !