Monday, April 16, 2012

It's Time To File Your Taxes

The deadline for filing your income tax has been until April 17, so, tonight is the night to finish making fake receipts. Remember to make your check payable to China. Taxes date to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family's frankincense.

Yep, tomorrow ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C. and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.

Obama had a task force to review the tax codes. He was concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes.....and that's just in his administration.

I had considered not paying my taxes. I figured that when they say I'm going to prison, I'll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me and we'll call it even.

There are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve their state's giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? If all these new taxes are passed, the entire deficit could be resolved by next year.....

The News As I See It: April 15th was the 100th anniversary of the Titanic disaster. On its maiden voyage, it collided with an iceberg and sank into the ocean. But it still made it further than North Korea's rocket. In fact, the rocket fell apart faster than a Kardashian marriage. It exploded less than a minute after launching. Leader Kim Jong Un was so mad, he went home, kicked his dog and then ate it.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are officially engaged. I wonder if this means they're thinking of having kids?

Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama. In an interview, Obama said he prefers Jay-Z to Kanye. Did you know Obama was a fan of hip-hop? In fact, he has his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficit.

There's only one day left to frantically dig through your car for Burger King receipts that you can claim were business dinners later on. There's certainly nothing fun about paying taxes. But you have to remember that all the money goes to a good cause, like paying the salaries of GSA employees, paying meter maids who give parking tickets, keep welfare checks flowing to the Octomom....important things like that. To reduce the chance of being audited, I always send my return tucked into a freshly baked loaf of banana bread.

There is a new medical study that says men make better decisions about life when they're drinking beer. I've made some of my best choices after about six Coronas. Of course, there were times that I had to reconsider my decision the next morning.

The Obozo administration is trying to distance itself from remarks made by long-time Democratic adviser Hilary Rosen. She said that Mitt Romney's wife, Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five who has cancer, has never worked a day in her life. The ironic part is that because of Rosen's idiotic statement, she may never work another day in her life. Let me tell you something — if you're the mother of five boys, you never had a day off in your life, OK?

Even Joe O'Biden is furious about Rosen's statement. He said, "Making stupid comments that hurt the president is my job. She has no right."

Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race at Gettysberg, Pnnsylvania. Gettysburg was a great choice because he should've dropped out four score and seven years ago.

This Date In History: 1746; The Jacobite uprising in England ends when Charles "Bonnie Prince Charlie" Stuart is defeated by the Duke of Cumberland. 1912; Harriet Quimby became the first woman to fly across the English Channel. 1917; Lenin returned to Russia after 10 years in exile in Switzerland.

1947; Financier Bernard Baruch coined the term "cold war" in a speech in South Carolina. 1947; Most of Texas City, Tex., destroyed when French ship Grandcamp exploded. 1972; China sent President Nixon two giant pandas as a gift. 1999; Hockey great Wayne Gretzky announced his retirement.

2007; A male student, Cho Seung-Hui, killed two in a Virginia Tech dorm, then killed 30 more 2 hours later in a classroom building. His suicide brought the death toll to 33, making the shooting rampage the most deadly in U.S. history.

Picture Of The Day: My thanks to the many branches of our government and its employees for their continuing faux pas, providing a constant supply of pictoral fodder for Jimmy's Journal.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Whoever came up with the word "rhinoplasty" to describe a nose job was a bit cruel. 2) Men are all the same,  they just have different faces so women can tell them apart. 3) I was walking and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?" 4) You can tell a blonde is having a bad day when her tampon is behind her ear and she cant find her pencil! 5) The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 16th: Just because you haven't filed your tax return yet is no reason to become upset. Sit down this evening and calmly try to re-create the past year. On the other hand, the late fee is not really that much so go out and party. Chance of romance is 12.91 percent if you stay home and do your taxes and 68.66 percent if you go out. Your call.....

Birthdays: My sweet Laury and my karaoke pal Gipsy. Happy Birthday, ladies! 19XX, Wilbur Wright, inventor of the airplane 1867, John Millington Synge, dramatist 1871, Charlie Chaplin (Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin), English film actor, director, producer, writer, and composer 1889, Merce Cunningham, choreographer 1919, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, basketball player 1947, Selena Quintanilla Perez, singer 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me!"

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called woman.

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them."

God continued, "She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history.....

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby.

So, dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." Little Johnny said, "I promise not to mention his ears."

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh What a beautiful little baby." The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet."

Little Johnny continued, "Just look at his pretty eyes. Did his doctor say that he can see well?" The mother said, "Why, yes Johnny, his doctor said he has 20/20 vision." Little Johnny said "Well, that's a great thing cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!"

A preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. The preacher asked, "This mower work, son?" Little Johnny said, "It sure does. You have to pull hard on the cord, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Incensed and thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house.

He said to Little Johnny, "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough." Little Johnny said, "Well, you need to curse at it sometimes." The preacher was aghast. He said, "I have not cursed in twenty years!" Little Johnny said, "Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher, it'll come back to you."

Little Johnny comes down for breakfast and since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has done his chores.Little Johnny replies, "Not yet." His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Pissed off, he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" he asks. His mother says "I saw you kick the chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk".

Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking into the kitchen. Little johnny looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"

That's it for today, my little lima beans. Remember, money can't buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

You had me on the floor with "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"


Have a good night.


jack69 said...

Hey, as always enjoyed the post. I come here because this is the most politically correct Blog on the Blogosphere. It does my heart good to know that no politician is safe on this site.
Love from up in NC, I think I am hurting all over, I worked manual labor for 12 hours. OUCH!

Woody said...

Enjoyed the post as usual, 81 today, dropping right now and gonna be in the 50's tomorrow!!!
Gotta love this north country weather.
Take Care, Keep Singing !!!