Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Just When I Thought That I Knew What I Was Doing.....

Blogger, just like Facebook, just couldn't resist fixing something that wasn't broken. In the coming days, you'll be seeing changes in the layout and colors of Jimmy's Journal as I attempt to conform with the "new interface." Hopefully the changes will be minute as I have figured out ways to partially circumcise circumvent the new changes.

While I'm sure the changes were made with good intentions, the colors and fonts have been severely reduced and it has forced me to learn more about writing in HTML form to preserve my old fonts and colors.

Alas, some colors may be lost and you may see slight changes in the colors as I continue to wrest with the new style. In the interim, the basic format will remain the same.

Congratulations to Kentucky! They won the NCAA championship 67-59 over Kansas, very nice. Did you see the news after the game? People in Kentucky were getting shot, flipping over cars and burning couches. So nice to see the basketball mentality thugs celebrating. Sure makes me want to go to a basketball game.....

The News As I See It: Here's your tax dollars at work. The head of the GSA, a woman named Martha Johnson, has resigned after they found out she spent over $830,000 on a four-day government conference in Las Vegas.

In Sacramento, a man jumped on the hood of a police car that was moving and started screaming his name. He was wearing a puffy winter jacket, a sombrero, one boxing glove. Police say the guy was in a total state of delirium. They didn't arrest him. It turns out it he was just a JetBlue pilot on break.

I didn't win the Mega Millions lottery and to rub salt in everyone's wounds, they're not referring to us as just losers, now we're mega-losers! If it makes you feel any better, the odds of winning were 176 million to 1 - about the same odds the Supreme Court will pass Obamacare.

There were three winning lotto tickets. I guess we're not sure who the three winners are yet, but when they do come forward, two things happen immediately. They get a call from the IRS asking for half and then they get a call from their friends and relatives asking for the other half.

Apple iTunes announced a controversial app has been pulled after people said it was designed for stalkers. The developers say they will resubmit their app under its original name: Facebook.

Oprah Winfrey's longtime boyfriend Stedman Graham has written a book about being proud of who you are. It's not helping that the cover of the book says, "Written by Oprah Winfrey's boyfriend."

This Date In History: 1818; Congress adopted a U.S. flag with one star for each state. 1841; President William Henry Harrison died from pneumonia, one month after his inauguration. 1905; Earthquake in Kangra, India, killed more than 20,000.

1945; The Ohrdruf death camp was liberated from Nazi occupation. 1949; The treaty establishing the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) was signed. 1973; The ribbon was cut to open the World Trade Center in New York City. 1979; Pakistan prime minister Zulfikar Ali Bhutto was executed by the military.

1981; Henry Cisneros became the mayor of San Antonio, Texas: the first Hispanic mayor of a major U.S. city. 1983; Sally Ride became the first U.S. woman in space aboard the space shuttle Challenger.

Picture Of The Day: The Mainstream Media Shuck and Jive Jazz Band.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. 2) Imitation is not the most sincere form of flattery...stalking is. 3) Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack in your ass and it translates to "Beef with Broccoli." 4) A transvestite is a person who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 5) The difference between the Pope and Obama is that the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 4th: Hey! It's hump day and downhill from here! The sun will shine on you today and the evening looks promising as well. Chance of romance is a little foggy, but that will clear before morning. Happy hour will be a good start.

Birthdays: My pals John and Julie Ann. I was also remiss in omiting my sweet friends Linda and Traci, whose birthdays were on Monday. Happy Birthday, my friends! 19XX, Edward Hicks, painter and preacher 1780, Dorothea Dix, social reformer 1802, William H. Jackson, painter artist and pioneer photographer 1843, Maurice de Vlaminck, painter 1876, Robert Sherwood, dramatist 1896, Muddy Waters, musician 1915, Heath Ledger, actor 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The phone rings and the lady of the house answers it. A man says, "Mrs. Sanders, please." The woman replied, "Speaking." The man says, "Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good." Mrs Sanders asks nervously, "What do you mean?"

The doctor says, "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which." Mrs. Sanders says, "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" The doctor replies, "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

Mrs Sanders asks, "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" The doctor says, "The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" The Priest replied, "Of course. What may I do for you?" The woman said, "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

The Priest said, "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." The woman said, "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the Priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" The Priest answered, "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" The Priest replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."

A blonde goes over to her boyfriend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt. Her boyfriend asked, "Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?'" The blonde replied, "Crap! I didn't realize it was a religious Tee-shirt. I thought it meant "Tits Go In Front'."

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout, "Shit, missed." The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tongue no longer. He said, "Don't swear like that or God will punish you."

The builder apologized and the game continued. As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted, "Shit, missed" and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes. The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said, "I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"

Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out "Shit, missed". Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead.

Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "Shit, missed!"

That's it for today, my little chickadees. Remember, the only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Martha only spent $860K i 4 days? Shucks, Obama can do that in an hour, even less, when he sets his mind to it.
Enjoyed the Blog we are safe in SC, well not really safe, we are not far from Parris Island, my first real vacation spot in my adult life, 1956, if 17 is adult!!!

Thanks for the good read, fun and information .