Friday, June 14, 2013

It's National Flag Day In America And "Warshington"

Can someone tell me where "Warshington" is? And if so, does every house there have a "gararge"? Hey, I don't profess to be a Rhodes Scholar, but I did listen during English class. Is it just me or did JFK refer to the island nation of Cuba as "Cuber"?

I'm well aware that different regions of America have distinct accents, but there are some mispronunciations that are hard to let pass. Sometimes I wish that everyone had the same accent. "Y'all" know what I mean? Well bless your hearts! 

On a sad note, Nascar driver Jason Lefler was killed in a racing accident Wednesday night at Bridgeport Speedway. My prayers and condolences go out to his family and friends. Rest in peace, Jason.

Jason Lefler
The News As I See It: The big story continues to be 29-year-old Edward Snowden, the man behind the leaking of the NSA spy scandal. Speculation is that Snowden is hiding in Hong Kong and could be working for China. Get real. Aren't we all pretty much working for China?

Some experts believe the privacy scandal will hurt the NSA. Are they crazy? Do you know how many people want to join now that they've heard the guy who blew the whistle is a high school dropout, making almost $200,000 a year, with a poll dancer girlfriend and he’s living in Hawaii? People are lining up to get this job.

According to a Gallup poll Obama's approval rating has dropped to 45 percent. Luckily for Obama, he has "impeachment insurance." It's called "Joe Biden."

The world's oldest human tumor has been found on the rib of a Neanderthal skeleton in Croatia. The tumor would have been discovered sooner, but they have government health care over there.

Sunday is Father's Day or as National Basketball Association players call it, "Don't Answer the Phone Day."

Opening this weekend is "Man of Steel." Superman. I'm excited because a superhero movie hasn't opened since last Friday.

Quarterback Tim Tebow has signed with the New England Patriots. So the good news is that Tebow got a job. The bad news: Now he’s associated with the word "patriot" and now he’s being audited by the IRS.

The girlfriend of whistle blower Edward Snowden is allegedly a ballet artist and pole dancer. Come on, make up your mind. I need to know how to dress and how many singles I need to bring.

There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. How many guys are going to use this as an excuse? "Honey, I'm not looking at her tits, I'm working for Homeland Security."

68-year-old Mick Jagger revealed his secret to looking young. Do you know what it is? Standing next to Keith Richards.

This Date In History: 1775; The United States Army was founded. 1777; The Continental Congress adopted the Stars and Stripes as the official flag of the U.S. 1922; Warren Harding became the first president to be heard on the radio.

1940; German troops entered Paris. The Nazis opened the Auschwitz concentration camp in Poland. 1951; The first commercial computer, Univac I, was unveiled.

1954; President Eisenhower signed the order inserting the words "under God" into the Pledge of Allegiance. 1982; Argentine forces surrendered to British troops on the Falkland Islands.

Picture Of The Day: I have no idea what this picture is saying but I like it.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano. 2) As I get older, I'm really just looking for "Girls Gone Mild". 3) John 3:16, Matthew 3:17, Luke 3:18. It was a very close race. 4) I always carry a picture of my girlfriend in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there. 5) Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status. After 3 it should default to "Unstable".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 14th: Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio today.A  report of startling significance will land on a desk near you over the coming week. This report will tell you everything you need to know about the feelings of another and will help you understand how to begin living the rest of your life. Let's just hope it's not a police report.

Birthdays: Harriet Beecher Stowe, writer 1811, Margaret Bourke-White, photographer 1904, Donald Trump, business executive 1946, Eric Heiden, speed skater 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " The woman replied, "No, I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

An older married couple scheduled their medical examination on the same day so that they could answer any questions the doctor might have concerning their partner. After the husband's exam, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concern that you would like to ask me?"

The man said, "In fact, I do. After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly." The doctor said that he would examine the wife, and then report back to the man.

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"  The woman replied, "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "It looks like a duck, flies like a duck, it’s probably a duck." He shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, " wings, yellow bill, quacking sound. It might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a Democrat, tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the local emergency room to see a doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obamacare, they turned me down."

That's it for today, my little pea pickers. Remember, the boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import). I'm heading to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Happy Father's Day to the guys out there! Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

At Ben Stein is smart!
The best line is:
he has "impeachment insurance." It's called "Joe Biden."
Dat one shows great insight. enjoyed the laughs and education.

Now I know about the sweaty and cold thang. It has been bothering me but I was afraid to ask.
Enjoy the evening. Imma going to.