Monday, June 24, 2013
Nik, One More Thing.....Don't Look down !
Nik Wallenda completed a historic high-wire walk over the Grand Canyon on Sunday. Wallenda, the first person to cross the canyon, made the walk without a tether or safety net. He stopped and crouched down twice, first because of the wind, the second because the cable had picked up an unsettling rhythm.
A seventh-generation member of the "Flying Wallendas" family of acrobats, Wallenda also made history last year by becoming the only person to complete a high-wire walk over the brink of Niagara Falls. Nik's great-grandfather, Karl Wallenda, slipped and fell to his death from a high wire in Puerto Rico in 1978.
Viewers watching live in 217 countries were able to share Wallenda's point of view from the cable during the crossing, through cameras rigged to his body. Wallenda held a 43-pound balancing pole. Personally, I was just happy he didn't try to do it "Gangnam Style".
The News As I See It: It was a bad week for the stock market. It was was so bad the numbers looked worse than a Paula Deen talk show on the BET network. I mean, stocks are dropping like a Super Bowl ring into Vladimir Putin's pocket. That is how bad it was.
It was announced that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their daughter "North West". Southwest Airlines sent the couple a message, "Please don't have a second child."
A company in Japan has a new watch with a built-in breathalyzer that can tell you if you’re drunk. It would probably work better if the watch didn't always list the time as "5 o'clock somewhere."
Clothing designers Dolce and Gabbana are in a lot of trouble. They have been found guilty of tax evasion. They probably won't do any jail time, which is a relief because stripes are out this year.
The Consumer Protection Agency has recalled 96,000 Jeep Liberty baby strollers because there is a problem with the tires blowing out. How fat are our kids getting when they're blowing out tires on their baby strollers?
This Date In History: 1509; Henry VIII was crowned king of England. 1647; Early American feminist Margaret Brent demanded a seat and vote in the Maryland Assembly, but was ejected from that body. 1675; King Philip's War, the most devastating war between the colonists and Indians, began with Indians attacking the Swansea (Mass.) settlement.
1908; The 22nd and 24th president of the United States, Grover Cleveland, died in Princeton, N.J. 1947; Kenneth Arnold, an American pilot, reported seeing strange objects near Mt. Rainier, Washington. He described them as "saucers skipping across the water," hence the term "flying saucers" was born.
1948; The Soviet Union began a blockade of Berlin. Allied forces responded with what would be known as the Berlin Airlift flying in more than 2 million tons of supplies over the next year. 1997; The U.S. Air Force released The Roswell Report, closing the case on the 1947 Roswell, N.M. incident concerning UFOs and alien bodies.
2011; New York passes a law to allow same-sex marriage, becoming the largest state that allows gay and lesbian couples to marry. 2012; Lonesome George, the last known Pinta Island Tortoise, died at a Galapagos National Park, making the subspecies extinct.
Picture Of The Day: There's no chance of me ever doing anything remotely close to this act of insanity. I have enough troubles riding in an elevator.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cell phones have two brightness settings: "Dim" and "The messiah is back." 2) I knew that psychic wasn't credible when she let me write her a check. 3) I'm sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car. 4) I asked my pharmacist to cut my Viagra pills into four quarters. He said he could do it, but 1/4 of a pill would not work. I told him, "That's ok. I just need enough so I that don't pee on my shoes." 5) I was considering remarrying the woman I divorced years ago, but she said I was only after my money.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 24th: People say you make your own luck, but carrying around a sign that says "I'm needy and helpless" is probably not what they had in mind. You can freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door, but it's probably a bad dea.
Birthdays: Sir John Ross, arctic explorer 1777, Henry Ward Beecher, clergyman 1813, Ambrose Bierce, satirist 1842, Jack Dempsey, American boxer 1895 John Ciardi, poet 1916, Anita Desai, writer 1937.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.
After a week, she walks out of the hospital and is killed crossing the street by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years?!" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
There were two brothers. One was very good and tried always to live right and be helpful. His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.
The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.
One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that He was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.
So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here, and I love it. But I don't understand."
He continued, "If my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment."
God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it, the blonde doesn't."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil. Satan asks, "Why so glum?" The guy says, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" Satan says, "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here."
Satan says, "You a drinking man?" The guy says, "Sure, I love to drink." Satan says, "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, you name it. We drink until we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." The guy says,"That sounds great!"
Satan asks, "You a smoker?" The guy replies, "You better believe it." Satan says, "All right! You're gonna love Wednesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead." The guy says, "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan says, "I bet you like to gamble" The guy answers, "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do." Satan: "Good, because Thursdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow." The guy says, "Cool! I never realized Hell was such a great place!"
Satan asks, "Are you gay?" The guy replies, "No..." Satan says, "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
Three nuns died in an auto accident. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter was there to greet them. St. Peter said to the nuns, "Before you can enter you each have to answer one question correctly."
St. Peter goes to the first nun and asked, "Who was the first man God created?" The first nun looked at St. Peter and said, "Oh, that's easy, Adam." The trumpets sounded, the gates open and St. Peter said, "You may enter."
Then St. Peter goes to the second nun and asked, "Who was the first woman God created?" The second nun looks at St. Peter and said, "That's easy, Eve." The trumpets sounded, the gates open and St. Peter said, "You may enter."
Then St. Peter goes to the third nun and asked, "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?" The third woman starts thinking then looked at St. Peter and said, "Oh, that's a hard one." The trumpets sounded, the gates open and St. Peter said, "You may enter".....
That's it for today, my little teddy bears. Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, except for Grizzly bears. Grizzly bears will just kill you.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !