Monday, July 8, 2013

Fleeting Glances.....

To wax poetic, the term "fleeting glances' ofttimes refer to chances not taken that may or may not have borne fruit. While I've often though about the many roads that I did not take, my thoughts usually turn to the "what if" antithesis.

I am fortunate to have led a full and complete life with few regrets, most of which were good lessons. Although I have occasionally thought about "what if", I bear in mind that some "what ifs" have turned into disasters (witness 9/11/01 and the recent plane crash in San Francisco).

That said, most fleeting glances that I have wondered about were mostly romantic and curiosity always compels me to daydream. Nevertheless, the occasional daydreams are sometimes rudely interrupted when I hear of some poor bastard being run over by his spouse or poisoned.

So I'll just cling to my imagination and count my blessing. They are far more enjoyable and a lot less dangerous....

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of young girls, after putting on their lipstick would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...

The News As I See It: The Girl Scouts announced that their pension plan has a $347 million deficit. The Girl Scouts are $347 million in debt, so in addition to teaching girls about camping, it also is preparing them for careers in government.

According to the polls Anthony Weiner is the favorite to become the next mayor of New York City. How many of you have seen the Weiner poll? Anthony Weiner is out front. Isn't that what got him into trouble in the first place? Weiner has a firm lead and his popularity is swelling.

In the Senate, they found a way to get Republicans on board with immigration reform. They're going to militarize the border. They're going to build a border surge. Sounds like something you eat at Taco Bell or something that happens after you eat at Taco Bell.

We're going to build 7,000 miles of new border fencing and add 20,000 more – in addition to the 20,000 we have – border agents, enough to put one every 250 feet. They said if this does not keep Arnold Schwarzenegger from impregnating the help, nothing will.

This Date In History: 1776; The first public reading of the Declaration of Independence was given in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. 1777; Vermont became the first colony to abolish slavery. 1889; The Wall Street Journal began publication.

1950; General Douglas MacArthur was named commander-in-chief of the United Nations forces in Korea. 1958; The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) awarded the first official gold album. It was for the Oklahoma soundtrack. 1986; Kurt Waldheim was inaugurated as president of Austria.

2011; The space shuttle Atlantis launches into space for the last time from the Kennedy Space Center. It is the 135th and final flight of the space shuttle program, which started in 1981. For its final mission, the Atlantis is carrying 8,000 lbs of spare parts and supplies to the International Space Station. The space shuttle program officially ends when the Atlantis returns two weeks later.

Picture Of The Day: This pup is called a Shiba Inu and seems to be a bit confused by the phone video.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Alcohol does not make you fat, it makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors and occasionally, weirdos. 2) My girlfriend walked into a huge spider web. She is now a black belt in karate. 3) The next time your kid makes a funny face, say they will stick that way, then show them the thousands of stupid girls with duck lips on Instagram. 4) I hate yard work. My neighbor's just the opposite. Yesterday, he did so much yard work, he got deported. 5) I accidentally pushed my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's sitting in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 8th: You may think that starting afresh on Monday would be of some comfort, but it really won't be. A special someone will furnish you with a gift today. All signs point to it being a single shoe, possibly a flip-flop. Tenderness ought to be tried whenever possible. Slapping the ass of your lover during love-making will not always be a turn on. Especially with a flip-flop. 

Birthdays: Jean de La Fontaine, poet 1621, Joseph Chamberlain, statesman 1836, Ferdinand Zeppelin, airship inventor and builder 1838, John D. Rockefeller, American industrialist and philanthropist 1839, Nelson A. Rockefeller, public official 1908, Julia Carson, politician 1938, Anjelica Huston, actress 1951, Kevin Bacon, actor 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married fifty years and there's something I have to know. In all of these fifty years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these fifty years, but always for a good reason." Henry asked, "Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reason'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But, what about the second time?"

Martha said, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't ave the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."  Henry said, "I recall that, and you did it to save my life so, of course, I can forgive you for that. Now, tell me about the third time."

Martha said, "Alright, do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 73 more votes?"

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone, including Obama. They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

The sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath,  "Hank, did you see this terrible accident happen?" Old Hank answered, "Yep. Sure did." The sheriff said, "Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States ?" Hank replied, "Yep." The sheriff asked, "Were there any survivors?" Hank said, "Nope. They's all kilt straight out. I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

The sheriff gasped, "President Obama is dead?" Old Hank grumbled, restarting his tractor, "Well, he kept a-saying he wasn't, but you know how bad that sumbitch lies."

"Can I get a high five?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers for experiments in our lab?" The other researcher said, "Really? Why the switch?" The first researcher explained, "There were a number of reasons." The second researcher asked, "Like what?"

The first researcher said, "First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyers breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things even a rat won't do."

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

That's it for today, my little turtle doves. Remember, always carry a picture of your spouse in your wallet. It will remind you of why there is no money in there.....

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I have found it is factual, after a certain age, you cannot remember your regrets. I think that is good mental engineering!
Dad Dog Shi--- something, looks like me looking at Sherry's smart phone. and that is one.
Thanks for the education and laughs!!!

Paula said...

I expect to be deported anyday from too much yard work. Chiggers and all. Lots of pretties here.