Friday, July 5, 2013

Think Before You Criticize

At a party recently, I overheard two young girls make a remark about an older woman's weight. It just so happened that I knew the older woman when she was their age. I told the girls that when she was their age, she had a better body and was better looking than either of them could ever hope to be.

The two girls were a bit taken aback by my remarks. Embarrassed, they both apologized. I calmed them and explained that there was no apology necessary.

I told them that life is kind of like playing baseball. You start playing when you're young, if you're good enough, you play in college and if you're real lucky, you play professionally. This true in all professions and sports.

The basic facts of life are that you start out as a kid, graduate school if you're lucky, marry (or not), have children, get old and then you die. You're usually at your best from your mid-teens up until about age 35. From then on, it's downhill.

I told them to enjoy their youth while they had it and respect their elders, as one day, they too (with any luck) will fall into that category. I brought them drinks, smiled, and with my two stone tablets in hand, went back to my mountain position at the bar.....

"Can You See Me Now?"
The News As I See It: Edward Snowden got out of Hong Kong, flew to Russia, has been hanging out in the Russian airport, but still no one can find him. When Joe Biden today heard that he may be incognito, he called for a full scale invasion of Cognito.

The Supreme Court struck down the part of the Voting Rights Act which protected minority voting in areas where it needed to be protected. Their reasoning is that we don't need it anymore, especially in areas where some Blacks voted more than once. Racism is basically over in America, so let's get back to talking about the unprosecuted Black Panther incident,Trayvon Martin and Paula Deen.

Same-sex married couples are now entitled to the same benefits as other married couples. That's great news for the Lone Ranger and Tonto, Batman and Robin, Abercrombie and Fitch, and Ben and Jerry.

When Obama spoke in Germany at the Brandenburg Gate, he said, "It's taught me a lot. When I was a kid, West Germany taught me the importance of standing tall and East Germany taught me the importance of reading everyone's mail."

This Date In History: 1811; Venezuela became the first South American country to declare independence from Spain. 1865; William Booth formed the Salvation Army in London, England. 1946; Larry Doby signed with the Cleveland Indians, becoming the first African American player in the American League.

1946; The bikini swimsuit made its debut at a Paris fashion show. 1954; Elvis Presley recorded "That's All Right," his first commercial record. 1975; Cape Verde became independent after 500 years of Portuguese rule.

1975; Arthur Ashe became the first black man to win a Wimbledon singles title when he defeated Jimmy Connors. 1996; Dolly, the first sheep cloned from adult cells, was born. 2002; Baseball great Ted Williams died.

Picture Of The Day: Hey mom, I'm bored.....Mom, did you hear me?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) McDonalds should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window. 2) If you're a girl on Facebook and you have no self-taken pictures of yourself, I'm automatically assuming you're a cat that learned to use a computer. 3) My friend's kid is almost old enough for social media so he'll need to have "the talk" soon. You know, about your/you're and their/there/they're and conjugating "To Be." 4) Men who dislike waking up at the crack of Dawn usually regret drunk dialing Dawn the night before. 5) Apparently a new study shows that unattractive people make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 5th: Spiders have feelings undeniable but ultimately useless fact when the vacuum cleaner strikes. Test yourself today by walking around semi-nude. However, please be aware that semi-nude does not necessarily mean just clothed in a tee shirt. This is a test horoscope. You should never receive this unless for some reason you are at odds with the Stars. Are you at odds?

Birthdays: David Farragut, American admiral 1801, P. T. Barnum, showman 1810, Cecil Rhodes, imperialist 1853, Jean Cocteau, artist 1889, Georges Pompidou, political leader 1911.

Clouded Leopard
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Barack Obama walked into a New York bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?" The frog answers, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."

Bald eagles mate for life. In an aerial courtship, the pair soars thousands of feet into the sky, interlock talons and perform the mating act while rapidly plummeting toward the ground in a series of somersaults.

I don't know much about eagle personalities, but if I were a female eagle and I looked down to see I was only 500 feet away crashing on jagged rocks and certain death, I think I'd fake an orgasm.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. Son number one gushed, "Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad. Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency and didn't have time to get you both a present." The dad said,"Don't worry son, the important thing is that we're all here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad. I just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present. Sorry." The father, "No big deal, son. Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college."

He continued, "All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but we just never found the time to get married." The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?" The dad replied, "Yep......and cheap ones too!"

A woman asks a man, "Do you drink beer? The man says, "Yes, I do." The woman asks, "How many beers a day?" The man answers, "Usually about 3." The woman asks the man, "How much do you pay per beer?" The man replies, "$5.00, which includes a tip."

The woman continues, "How long have you been drinking?" The man says, "About 20 years, I suppose." The woman says, "So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct?" The man says, "Correct."

The woman says, "If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?" The man says, "Correct."

The woman says, "Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?"

The man says, "Do you drink beer?" The woman replies, "No." The man asks, "Where’s your Ferrari? "

That's it for today, my little sparklers. Remember, the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. I think I'll go jukin' over at AREA 51 for drinks and maybe some karaoke. 

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

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