Monday, July 1, 2013

Muddling Through Another Monday

I've never liked Mondays....not even on a three day weekend or starting a vacation. Maybe it's just the name...I don't know. When I was younger, I would lie in bed on Sunday night trying to figure out a believable reason as to why I didn't do my homework. Never came up with a good one.

As I got older, I realized that Monday rhymed with mundane and that thought only reinforced my dislike for the start of the work week. I've been self employed for most of my life, the good thing being that I could come in late when I wanted to. And I did quite a few hangovers ago. But, having a good work ethic, I always felt guilty.

Nevertheless, it's Monday again and there's a good chance of wine rain. The good thing is that it's almost over so there's always tomorrow, Scarlett. Think I'll work on an excuse as to why I never did my homework.....

The News As I See It: Twenty-seven NFL players have been arrested just since the last Super Bowl. In fact, this could be the first year we see a prison football team in the playoffs. Maybe we could have OJ coaching.

Cleveland Browns rookie Ausar Walcott was arrested for attempted murder. Boston Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez was arrested for murder, with possible links to another double murder. It's getting so bad, the NFL is begging the press to start talking about concussions again.

Aaron Hernandez was denied bail even though his lawyer said Hernandez was not a risk to flee. Not a risk to flee? He's a football player. He makes his living running away from people who are chasing him. That is the definition of fleeing.

An amusement park in Mexico has opened a fake border-crossing attraction. You get to experience what it's like to come across the border. Unfortunately, the park is losing money because instead of buying tickets, people just keep sneaking in.

I saw a guy with the word "idea" tattooed on his arm. I’m assuming his sleeve covered up the word "bad."

This Date In History: 1863; The Battle of Gettysburg, which marked the turning point in the Civil War, began. 1867; Canada became a self-governing dominion of Great Britain under the British North America Act.

1898; Theodore Roosevelt and his Rough Riders fought the battle of San Juan Hill in the Spanish-American War. 1943; Income tax withholding began in the United States. 1962; Burundi and Rwanda achieved independence.

1963; The U.S. Post Office inaugurated its five-digit ZIP (Zone Improvement Plan) codes. 1968; The United States, Britain, the Soviet Union, and 58 other nations signed the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty. 1994; Yasir Arafat returned to Palestinian land after 27 years in exile.

1997; After 156 years of British colonial rule, Hong Kong was returned to China. 2000 Vermont's civil unions law went into effect. 2000; The Confederate flag was removed from the South Carolina statehouse.

Picture Of The Day: Ana Julia Torres kisses Jupiter, a lion who was rescued from a circus 13 years ago, at Villa Lorena shelter, in Cali, Valle del Cauca department, Colombia. Torres, a 52 year-old teacher, founded the Villa Lorena animal shelter 18 years ago. It protects about 600 animals seized from drug traffickers, circuses, animal traffickers or abandoned by their owners.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Dear parents with unattended children: They will be given 4 red bulls and a kazoo. 2) My buddy and his wife want to have another kid. That's like seeing light at the end of a tunnel and saying, "I think we better turn around." 3) Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other's sentinels. 4) With a stolen credit card, who wouldn't go straight to Wendy's to get 2 Double Stacks and a small Sprite? Thanks for asking for ID, lady. 5) I was in Publix grocery store when a woman grabbed my hand and started to walk. I went with her till she turned and realized I wasn't her husband. We broke it off.....Single again.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 1st: Only love can break your heart, but trans-fatty acids will take a damn good shot at it. Homelessness is a very poor way to begin the year so try to put aside a little for tomorrow.....tomorrow meaning the future, not the party on Wednesday at Shorty's Bar and Grill.

Birthdays: George Sand, novelist 1804, Louis Blériot, aviator and inventor 1872, Thomas A. Dorsey, gospel musician 1899, Charles Laughton, actor 1899, Estée Lauder, cosmetics company founder 1908, Olivia De Havilland, actress 1916, Sydney Pollack, producer, director, actor 1934, Twyla Tharp, choreographer 1941, Diana, Princess of Wales 1961, Kalpana Chawla, astronaut 1961, Carl Lewis, athlete 1961.

Tayrona National Park, Santa Marta, Colombia
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing and that he would have to use an outhouse.

In fact, he was told that the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?" The bartender replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

The man, "Great, but what if I can't reach them?" The bartender answers, "Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night. Do you want to try?" The man says, "No, but thanks anyway." The bartender asks, "Why not?" The guy replies, "The steaks are too high."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" The woman said, "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. He said, "I've never heard of that condition before. Are you taking anything for it?" The woman replied, "Pepper!"

A man went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, his wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The husband picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said, ''What are we going to do?'' The husband said, ''Nothing, the lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

That's it for today, my little egg plants. Remember, a married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Every time it says post a comment this thing goes to never never land.
I enjoyed the post. having trouble staying ont he net out here in the wide open spaces, where the castus grows.
Thanks for the etertainement.
Have a great 4th, Imma be in bed with the dentist, or in her chair.

Rose said...

I think Everyone hates Mondays!

Happy 4th