Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Have a Happy And Safe Fourth Of July !

Tomorrow is a special day commemorating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, declaring independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain. Independence Day is also commemorated by various public and private events celebrating the history, government and traditions of the United States.

Additionally, it is a day to remember and send out our thoughts and prayers to the gallant men and women of the armed forces, both past and present. My father, my brother Kirt and myself have all served in the armed forces. My father served with the U.S. Coast Guard during World War Two, Brother Kirt served in Vietnam with the U.S. Army and I served in the U.S. Army as well. God bless America !

The News As I See It: It is estimated that 150 million hot dogs will be consumed on the Fourth of July. While 150 million sounds like a lot, that number actually dropped 3 percent from last year. According to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, the slump in sales is due to the increase in raw material costs. Maybe hot dog sales are declining because the people who eat them regularly die.

Microsoft is testing a smartphone that can sense your mood, using a scope that tests your mood and shares them on media sites. I don't need that. I have a girlfriend who can test my mood.

A funeral home in Virginia added a drive-thru. You drive up to the window, view the body, and then drive to the next window to pick up your fries. Now you can pay loved ones the same kind of respect you'd pay an Egg McMuffin. It's a great way to say I care but not enough to get out of my car.

Six half-marathon runners were hospitalized yesterday for running in 100 degree heat. They were rushed to a mental hospital.

The Supreme Court overturned the Defense of Marriage Act. How about that? We don't need a Defense of Marriage Act. What we need in this country is a marriage cap. You're allowed three, and after that, you're done.

For those following current events
This Date In History: 1608; Samuel de Champlain founded the city of Quebec. 1775; Commander in chief George Washington took command of the Continental Army at Cambridge, Massachusetts. 1863; The Battle of Gettysburg ended. 1890; Idaho became the 43rd state in the United States.

1930; The U.S. Veterans Administration was created by Congress. 1962; Jackie Robinson became the first African-American to be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. 1962; Algeria became independent after 132 years of French rule.

Picture Of The Day: I just liked this cute little guy.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine. 2) I wonder if clothes in China say "made around the corner." 3) How come my girlfriend can't hold her bladder for more than three hours but she can hold a grudge for five years? 4) My neighbor called my cat fat the other day. It took me two hours to convince my cat that he just had thick fur. 5) I asked the my attorney's secretary if she could validate my parking. She said, "You park real good.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 3rd: Drinking alcohol may well turn today into the worst tomorrow possible. Try to ensure that you go out tonight wearing the underwear with the really strong elastic.

Birthdays: John Singleton Copley, painter 1738, M. F. K. Fisher, writer 1908, Tom Stoppard, playwright 1937, Tom Cruise, actor 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Third grade teacher Miss Crabtree said to little Sammy, "You're late again, Sammy, for the third time this month." Little Sammy said, "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. The reason I'm three hours late is because my Daddy sleeps naked."

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. She asked little Sammy what he meant, despite her mounting fears. Little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

Sammy said, "Miss Crabtree, we have a coyote that's been coming to our ranch. The past few nights it killed and ate three hens and it also killed Mom's best milk goat!"

Little Sammy went on, "Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken coop, he grabbed his shotgun and told Mom that th\he coyote was back and he was going to get him! He told all us kids to stay back!

There he was, naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants and no shirt! He crawled right up to the chicken coop and stuck that double barrel right through the window.

As he stared into the dark coop with the coyote on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, snuck up behind Daddy. Then, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in the crack of Daddy's ass and we've been cleaning chickens since three this morning!"

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "Do you think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming (anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request: A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

After taking a look, Joe said, "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's ass and said, "Nope, that ain't George." Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing.

He brought in Al and showed him the body. Al said, "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Al said, "Nope, that ain't George." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" They both answered, "George had two assholes."

The mortician said, "What? How could he have two assholes?" Al said, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

Murray and Sadie were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning and Murray said, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." Sadie said, "Now why would you want me to do something like that?"

Murray said, "I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some asshole using my stuff." Sadie looked at him and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

Once upon a time a man asked a woman to marry him. She said, "No!", and the man drank beer and caroused with women and stayed out late and used the guest towels and farted at will and didn't put the toilet seat down and lived happily ever after.

That's it for today, my little patriots. Remember, there are literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don't even know it. I'm going to slip over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great and safe Fourth of July holiday and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

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