The Art Of Navigation - Partying On A Docked Cruise Ship

Despite the horror stories about cruise ships, I still enjoy them. I like the continuous party atmosphere and all the different foods. It does bring to mind, however, the night I went with Sister Jeanne to a company Christmas party for Carnival employees on the Ecstasy which was docked in port.

Sister Jeanne decided early that she wanted to hang out with her friends at a disco bar. On the other hand, I decided that I preferred to keep my hearing intact and found a piano bar which fit my style.

All was well for a while and as it turned out, I knew the performer and was invited on stage do perform a few songs with him. I had a few Johny Walker Blacks and the night went by rather rapidly.

The next thing I knew, last call was announced and I went to the disco to find my sister only to learn that she had already disembarked. This created a problem.

I had not paid much attention as to how we got on board and that, combined with Johnnie Walker Black's ineptitude. left me wandering all over the ship for nearly an hour. Methinks the next time I'll pay more attention to the ingress and egress and drop some breadcrumbs along the way, just in case.....

The News As I See It: Anthony Weiner has been caught in yet another sexting scandal. At the beginning of this campaign he said that other texts and photos were likely to come out. Well, they have. Finally, a politician who keeps his promises! Weiner said yesterday that he wants closure. If he wants closure he should start with his zipper.

Weiner confirmed yesterday that he sent some new sexually explicit messages to a woman on Facebook using the code name "Carlos Danger." Which is still easier to believe than that other name - Mayor Weiner. He also sent nude pictures of himself to this woman using Yahoo email address. His wife was shocked. She said, "You still use Yahoo?"

The Obama administration has admitted that under Obamacare, you might not be able to keep your doctor. At first the president guaranteed you'd be able to keep your doctor, and now they're saying you "might" be able to. Today Obama changed his slogan from "Yes we can" to "Perhaps we could try, can’t promise anything."

The royal baby finally has a name. It took a few days but they named him Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge. The parents said they wanted a name that reflects his country's great history and gets him beaten up at school every day.

At least one case of bubonic plague has been confirmed here in L.A. It was a squirrel. I hope the plague doesn't spread. If it wipes out squirrels across the country, what's Honey Boo Boo going to have for dinner?
 

Portofino Village in Italy

This Date In History: 1788; New York became the 11th state in the United States. 1847; Liberia became Africa's first republic. 1908; The Office of the Chief Examiner, which in 1935 became the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), was created.

1947; President Harry S Truman signed the National Security Act, creating the Department of Defense, the National Security Council, the Central Intelligence Agency, and the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

1952; Argentina's first lady, Eva Peron, died in Buenos Aires at age 33. 1952; King Farouk I of Egypt abdicated after a coup led by Gamal Abdal Nasser. 1953; Fidel Castro was among a group of rebelling anti-Batistas who unsuccessfully attacked an army barracks.

Picture Of The Day: The animal below is a Brahma Bull. The area where he stands almost exactly replicates an area in Hendry County in Florida where I often fished on a ranch owned by the Hendry family.

Behind this magnificent bull is a small canal similar to my fishing hole. Sharing the pasture with the Brahmas were also Texas Longhorns.

Being only 13-14 years old at the time, I walked the area (which was loaded with largemouth bass), mostly oblivious to the cattle. That is, until the day a big Brahma decided I was encroaching upon his area.

He charged, I ran and let me tell you something. I found new respect for bulls. I also learned that, in the pine tree scrubs of Florida, sometimes it's a pretty long distance between trees.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) One of the "World's Strongest Man" events should be pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together. 2) The Fourth of July is an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war. 3) Another "World's Oldest Man" has died. This is beginning to look suspicious. 4) One day I'll look up from my cell phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home. 5) Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate?.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 26th: The right moment could come at any time. Be cuddly today and as fluffy as possible. The stars are looking good for you this week as Mars pulls into a region of the sky that foretells of future relationships. It's possible that women may scream out your name in bed, especially if you're  eating cookies.

Birthdays: George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright and critic 1856, Serge Koussevitzky, conductor 1874, Carl Jung. Psychiatrist 1875, Aldous Huxley, author 1894, Salvador Allende, president of Chile 1908, Stanley Kubrick, filmmaker 1928, Charlotte Beers, advertising executive 1935, Mick Jagger, musician 1943, Helen Mirren, actress 1945, Kevin Spacey, actor, director 1959, Sandra Bullock, actress 1964.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. Johnny said, "Why do you do that, mommy?" His mother replied, "To make myself beautiful."

His mother then began removing the cream with a tissue. Little Johnny said, "What's the matter? Giving up?"

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns?"

The other man said, "Do you mean a rose?" The man said, "Yes, that's the one." He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Proud Mama Otter

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim." The Nun replied, "I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

The Father said, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" The Nun replied, "Anything, Father." The Priest said, "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

The Nun replied, "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty"

The Priest said, "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. The Nun then said, "Father, could I ask something of you?" The Father replied, "Yes, Sister?" The Nun said, "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" The Priest replied. "I suppose that would be okay."

The Priest lifted his robe. The Nun said. "Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection."

The Priest said, "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." The Nun replied, "Is that true Father?" The Priest answered, "Yes, it is, Sister." The Nun said, "Oh Father, that's wonderful. stick it in the camel's ass and let's get the hell out of here!"

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "Do you think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"

That's it for today, my little sweet peas. Remember, the best exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in your home and forgetting things. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !