Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Wait...Before You Name Your Child Rumplestiltskin....

Pick a name for your kid and type it in an email first. If the red squiggly line appears under it, reconsider your choice. You see, some people can't spell, some people have poor taste and a lot of people are just flat-ass stupid.

A lot of people have used the Bible over the years as a source of first names, but even there, you find pitfalls. Just ask my friend Nebuchadnezzar Lipschitz about that. He made some great hanging baskets but still was kidded about his name.

But people being people and brains randomly handed out, there will always be the Shaniquas, Koolaidia and Sasquatchas out and about, so get used to it.

Some kids are unfortunate enough to get hand-me-down names that seem as if the person who thought of it was having a terrible time with a bowel movement.

There are family and friends (who shall remain nameless) that have names (usually middle names) that are, in my humble opinion, terrible. That standard answer always seems to be "You were named after my great uncle (or aunt)." I'm thinking that poor bastard was probably the first one shot in the Revolutionary or Civil War.....

The News As I See It: Nathan's held its annual Hot Dog Eating Contest on July 4. The winner and seven-time champion was a guy named Joey Chestnut. He ate 69 hot dogs in 10 minutes. How is that possible? My garbage disposal doesn't work that fast.

On July 4th, we celebrated our 237th year of independence from Great Britain and our 10th year of dependence on the Chinese.

In the NFL, 31 players have been arrested just since the Super Bowl. In fact, a lot of teams are switching to the no-huddle offense because players aren't allowed to associate with known felons. It's getting so bad that the show "Cops" is now on the NFL network.

Political experts are saying that Joe Biden needs to start doing more fundraising if he wants to run for president in 2016. A lot of people are saying they'd definitely donate to a Biden campaign. Most of them are Republicans, but still.

Kim Kardashian's post-baby workout plan is coming along well. Kim's already lost a bunch of weight with a simple technique. Everywhere she walks, she takes three dumbbells. Their names are Koonye Kanye, Kourtney and Khloe.

The Lone Ranger movie made a lot of money. People went to see it because it stars Johnny Depp. He wears lots of makeup and speaks in a weird accent. I don't know what he does in the movie. Depp plays Tonto, the Lone Ranger's sidekick. What makes more sense than a guy named Lone Ranger needing a sidekick?

The Lone Ranger wears a mask only when he's fighting bad guys, so when he goes off duty no one can tell who he is. Really? Just look for the guy riding a white horse with a sunburned face and an untanned white mask mark.

This week at the White House, Obama will present George Lucas with the National Medal of Arts. Vice President Biden will present him with some fan mail for Yoda.

Pakistan now says Osama bin Laden was able to be avoided by wearing a cowboy hat. A Pakistani authority said, "I guess he just got lost in a sea of other 6 foot 4 inch Muslims wearing cowboy hats."

This Date In History: 1890; Wyoming became the 44th state in the United States. 1940; The Battle of Britain began. 1951; Armistice talks to end the Korean War began at Kaesong. 1973; The Bahamas became independent from Great Britain.

1985; The Coca-Cola Company announced that it was bringing back the original Coke and calling it Coca-Cola Classic. 1989; Mel Blanc, the "man of a thousand voices," including such cartoon characters as Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and Porky Pig, died in Los Angeles.

1991; President Bush lifted economic sanctions against South Africa. 1991; Boris Yeltsin was sworn in as Russia's first elected president. 1995; Myanmar activist Aung San Suu Kyi was released after six years of house arrest. 2003; Spain opened its first mosque (in Granada) since the Moors were expelled in 1492.

Picture Of The Day: Some fairy tales do come true.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they're like, "Thank you for choosing Domino's." 2) Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain. 3) She had pretty wing tattoos on her back, which symbolized that she had no idea how big wings need to be to carry her weight. 4) One of the worst things about being deaf has to be the inability to tell whether people are yawning or screaming. 5) In 1872, Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 10th: You will overhear gossip today about your love life while you are on the toilet. This may cause you to damn your flatulent ways which may have impaired you from hearing the really juicy part. Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart although your teeth will hurt.

Birthdays: My pals Gino and Roy - Happy Birthday guys ! 19XX,  John Calvin, theologian 1509, Camille Pissarro, impressionist painter 1830, Marcel Proust, novelist 1871, Mary McLeod Bethune, educator 1875, Saul Bellow, novelist 1915, David Brinkley, broadcaster 1920, Alice Munro, writer 1931, Arthur Ashe, American tennis player 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.

Her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake, Maude, we have company coming over. Comb your hair and put your teeth in."

A pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many." The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!" The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should put your pants on backwards instead of your collar....."

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me."

God continued, "Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration." So God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.

And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.

Shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the crap outta everyone in the "frozen food section". It was awesome! Gettin' old is so much fun... !

That's it for today, my little chickadees (you had to know that one was coming sooner or later). Remember, you know the economy is bad when you get a pre-declined credit card in the mail. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Linda's World said...

Thanks for the Wednesday laughs.

Linda's World said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
REGINA said...

does possum ever do anything productive? all i see him do is sleep lol. about names....i used to be the fulton county, atlanta, georgia birth registration clerk. in my 13 years i have heard it all. like the 12 year old who had twins over at grady hospital, and named her twins from a family planning brochure.....syphilis and gonorrhea. and a friend of my father's, a deputy sheriff, who named his son christopher cool breeze faggot. and of course, chrystal chanda lear. and justin case. believe was a trip for 13 years. parents just don't know what they are doing to their children.....or they don't care.

jack69 said...

Hey may man, read the blog, too tired to comment. we made it to LV, I think I am gonna risk $5. I need my rest to get ready for that.
Thanks for the laughs and education.