Monday's White House update has been released by that obnoxious little munchkin with the glasses:
Good Morning: Blah blah blah, phony scandals, blah blah blah, phony scandals, blah blah blah, phony scandals and finally, phony scandals. Pay no attention to the black man behind the curtain. Phony scandals, yadda yadda yadda.
And now, we take you to, a press conference with the president of the United States:
"Good afternoon, I'd like to talk to you today about, blah blah blah and yadda yadda yadda. Then, I'll take a few questions by my preselected lackeys who will ask a number of inane, non intrusive questions. Blah blah plah, phony scandals! Further more, blah blah blah, phony scandals, yadda yadda yadda. Any questions?"
Reporter Dorothy from Kansas: Mr. Obamoz, specifically which scandals are phony?" Benghazzi? The IRS targeting conservative and pro-Israel groups prior to the 2012 election? The Justice Department suggesting that Fox News reporter James Rosen was a criminal for reporting about classified information? Fast and Furious? Atty General Eric Holder's pending contempt of congress prosecution? The General Services Administration's $825,000 spending spree? Solyndra?"
The News As I See It: In his current speeches about the economy, Obama say we're all distracted by phony scandals. It’s time we started getting distracted by the phony recovery.
Neural scientists at M.I.T. say they can plant false memories in your brain. That's not new. Politicians have been doing that for years. They're called campaign promises.
The Lincoln Memorial was vandalized. Somebody snuck in the Lincoln Memorial and threw green paint all over Lincoln. How is that possible? I mean, 148 years later and this guy still can't get any security?
Anthony Wiener's campaign has hit a snag. The first survey since his recent scandal found he is now second place in the race for New York City mayor. The guy in third said, "Are you kidding me? What do I gotta do?"
Obama has got a big retreat coming up. He invited all his Cabinet members to Camp David. Unfortunately, Joe Biden couldn't make the retreat because he's in Asia. That's because Obama told him the retreat was in Asia.
A big movie just opened called "Wolverine." Hugh Jackman is a guy with sharp nails who'll tear apart any man who crosses his path. I'm not real sure what he does in the movie.
|"So I says to him, 'Hey, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck'....."|
This Date In History: 1890; Artist Vincent van Gogh died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in Auvers, France. 1958; President Eisenhower signed the congressional act that created the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) was authorized by Congress.
1968; In Humanae Vitae (of Human Life), Pope Paul VI reaffirmed the Catholic Church's prohibition on artificial methods of birth control. 1981; Prince Charles, heir to the British throne, married Lady Diana Spencer.
2003; Red Sox switch hitter Bill Mueller became the first baseball player to hit grand slam home runs from both sides of the plate in the same game.
Picture Of The Day: This picture and the succeding picture were taken in the Kingdom of Bhutan, a landlocked state in South Asia located at the eastern end of the Himalayas. Photographer unknown.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Whenever I get a "Final Notice" letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction. 2) When a woman says, "I can't even tell you how upset I am right now", just wait 3 seconds. 3) Jehovah Witnesses keep coming to my house, so now I answer the door naked. 4) My grandfather use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school. I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels! 5) I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes, I hand them a photo of me and walk away......and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 29th: When taking out the trash, remember that blood stains don't easily wash out of white shirts. Wake up in a trash-can again? Don't let your drinking get you down, go and have a beer.
Birthdays: My friend Tony - Happy Birthday 19XX, Alexis de Tocqueville, writer 1805, Booth Tarkington, author 1869, Dag Hammarskjold, Swedish statesman, secretary-general of the United Nations (1953–61)1905, Nancy Landon Kassebaum, senator 1932, Elizabeth Hanford Dole, public official 1936, Peter Jennings, news anchor 1938, Ken Burns, documentary filmmaker 1953.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A student nurse found an elderly gentleman dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. Since hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged, she brought the man a wheelchair. although he insisted he didn't any help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the student nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked him if his wife was meeting him. He answered, "I don't know. She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
In May of this year, police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.
Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said, "We're all shocked! We never knew we had a library."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied, "I'm not sure but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem. How to carry his entire purchases home.
The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" The biker said, "Hey, thanks!" and out the door he went.
In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. The biker said, "As a matter of fact, I live on Mockingbird Lane. We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time".
The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
That's it for today, my little munchkins. Remember, some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in the commercials.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !