Friday, July 19, 2013
Who Didn't See This Coming ?
Detroit became the largest city in American history to file for bankruptcy, as the state-appointed emergency manager filed for Chapter 9 protection on Thursday. That's not hard to believe. Crime is rampant, corruption is common and decent citizens are, and have been, taking flight. Realistically, that's how all the suburbs began. People just didn't want live among murderers, thieves and corrupt politicians.
Once the very symbol of American industrial might, its finances have been ravaged and its crime ridden neighborhoods hollowed out by a long, slow decline in population and auto manufacturing. Detroit lost a quarter-million residents between 2000 and 2010. A population that in the 1950s reached 1.8 million now struggles to stay above 700,000.
Much of the middle-class and scores of businesses also have fled Detroit, taking their tax dollars with them. Beginning in the late 1960s, auto companies began opening plants in other cities. Property values and tax revenue fell, and police couldn't control crime. Then the rise of autos imported from Japan started to cut the size of the U.S. auto industry.
And so, Detroit, you've made your bed and as an added thought, why don't you invite Chicago to lie in it with you. It's like two peas in a pod....
The News As I See It: NSA leaker Edward Snowden has filed for temporary asylum in Russia. Apparently, he didn't want anyone to know, but somehow the story leaked out.
Al-Qaida's No.2 man in Yemen was killed this week by a drone strike. He was doing a cover shoot for Rolling Stone and they were able to pinpoint him.
A key prosecution witness in the racketeering and murder trial of Boston crime boss Whitey Bulger was found dead this week. Who could have seen that coming? What, a witness in a mob trial dead? Turned out the guy suffered an allergic reaction to a baseball bat.
It's been revealed that the iPhone will not autocorrect the word "marijuana." Yeah, that explains why the other night Snoop Dogg was delivered a pound of marinara.
A former NFL player was arrested for leaving a toddler in his car while he went to a strip club. But today the NFL commissioner said, "I prefer to think of this as the story of a player who still has custody of his child and didn't murder anyone."
Kate Middleton is now four days overdue. Which means in just a few more days, the royal baby watch will surpass Gwyneth Paltrow as the most annoying thing in London. The Queen said that she would like the royal baby to be born before she goes on vacation. Then someone reminded her she's more or less been on vacation since 1952.
More big news out of England. The Parliament officially legalized gay marriage in Britain. As Queen Elizabeth put it, “You know, it doesn't always have to be tea and crumpets. Sometimes it can just be two crumpets.” Today, Camilla asked Prince Charles, "So I can take off this dress now?"
This Date In History: 1848; The first women's rights convention, called by Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Lucretia C. Mott, was held in Seneca Falls, New York. 1870; The Franco-Prussian war began. 1941 Winston Churchill was the first to use the two-finger "V is for Victory" sign.
1966; Fifty year-old singer Frank Sinatra married 21-year-old actress Mia Farrow. 1984; Geraldine Ferraro became the first woman nominated for the vice-presidency by a major political party. 1993; President Clinton announced the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding gays in the military.
Picture Of The Day: The days of youth are beautiful, but fleeting.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I missed my turn into my driveway today and ended up at the local bar a few blocks over. 2) I once dated a girl who I felt had ulterior motives. I'm not saying she was a gold digger, but she had a helmet with a flashlight on it and a pick axe. 3) I wonder who Rose is going to kill in Titanic 2. 4) How are expecting to cure diseases when we as a society can't figure out how to merge into traffic correctly? 5) If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a shotgun for the rear window of your pickup truck.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 19th: Paris Hilton will "pop in" today for a chat, either in spirit or in person. Incidentally, a small chihuahua will weedle itself into your garden and poop all over your favorite plants. At this point, it is recommended that you setup webcams all over your house so that you can publish all incidents to a website and earn billions of dollars. People will today begin to question your penchant for lime-green clothing, especially hats.
Birthdays: My friend Winivere - Happy Birthday Baby ! 19XX, Muhammad ibn al-Bukhari scholar 810, Samuel Colt inventor 1814, Mary Ann Bickerdyke nurse 1817, Edgar Degas, French painter and sculptor 1834.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lady walked into a jewelry store and bent over to look more closely at a piece of jewelry, inadvertently breaking wind. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the "accident" and prayed that no salesman would come to attend her until the "fog had lifted".
Her worst fears were realized when a salesman came to assist her. Hoping that the salesman was not near at the time, she nervously asked, "Sir, exactly how much is this lovely bracelet?" The salesman responded, "Lady, if you farted when you looked at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5 AM. Wake up."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. The father shark said to the son shark, "Follow me son" and they swam to the mass of people. The father shark said, "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
The father shark continued, "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. The father shark then said, "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
A man took a Cadillac for a test drive, just to drive it before they become extinct. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all it's wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
The man said, "This car must be a Republican car." The salesman asked, "Why do you think it's a Republican car?" The man said, "If it was a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round."
I get on extremely well with the beautiful lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
That's it for today, my little aardvarks. Remember, If for some reason you forget to bring your work ethic to the office, always remember to bring your shenanigans and debauchery. I'm going to happy hour in AREA 51.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !