Friday, December 26, 2014
Christmas Eve Becomes Christmas Day
My Christmas was very nice, but I didn't get exactly what I wanted. I got a sweater but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. I also got a new shirt and a piece of ass. Both were too big. But overall, I was pleased with Santa's choices.
Most of the neighborhood Latins held their annual Noche Buena parties and they smell of roasted pork waffled in the air. Unfortunately, my nearest neighbor also had a karaoke machine with an apparently broken volume control.
I happen to enjoy Latin music but evidently the majority of my neighbor's guests had never heard themselves sing before as not one of the group could be considered a singer, unless you're referring to a sewing machine.
As the evening progressed, the drinks began to take their effect and the volume rose. At one point, a woman with a very loud voice apparently hijacked the microphone and began quasi-rambling to music, ad nauseum.
I never saw the woman but using my years of experience going to the annual Calle Ocho festival, I mentally visualized her wearing bulging skin tight orange pants, a leopard blouse and too much make-up. That sounds like a double scotch, double bagger, but that's just me......
The News As I See It: Facebook revealed that Ebola was the most popular Facebook topic in the U.S. this year, with the World Cup coming in sixth. So welcome to America, where even Ebola is more popular than soccer.
Scientists say they're getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor.
Apple stores are holding free computer programming classes for children or as it's called in China, a job fair.
This Date In History: 1776; George Washington defeated the Hessians at Trenton. 1865; James H. Nason received a patent for a coffee percolator. 1966; The first Kwanzaa is celebrated.
1972; The 33rd president of the United States, Harry S. Truman, died in Kansas City, Missouri. 1985; Zoologist Dian Fossey was found murdered in Rwanda.
1996 JonBenet Ramsey was found murdered in her Boulder, Colorado home. 2004; In the Indian Ocean, a 9.0 magnitude earthquake, the largest in 40 years, triggered a tsunami that ultimately killed more than 280,000.
Picture Of The Day: This pic really caught my eye.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Duct tape can't fix stupid but it can muffle the sound. 2) Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving 3) They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. At this point in my life, I should be able to bench-press a Buick. 4) I'll bet that when Hugh Hefner dies, no one will say, "He's in a better place." 5) When I was married, one of the kids found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my wife's dresser drawer. I explained that Mom was a Super Hero.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 26th: The road to success will be free of traffic today, assuming you remembered your drivers license and proof of insurance. Don't stray into unfamiliar waters unless you are wearing a life vest. Chances of romance are 41.98 percent, but you may get lucky anyway. Did you know that 42 percent of statistics are made up on the spot?
Birthdays: Frederick II, Holy Roman emperor 1194, Thomas Gray, poet 1716, Charles Babbage, mathematician 1791, Mao Zedong, Founder of People's Republic of China 1893, George Dewey, admiral 1837, Steve Allen, comedian, actor, author 1921, Carlton Fisk, baseball player 1947, Jared Leto, actor 1971.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Johnny's birthday is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants for his birthday. If he curses while he tells you his wish, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gift he requests."
Two days before his birthday, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted. Johnny answered, "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up and when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."
The day of his birthday, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face.
The next day, his friend asked, "What did you get for your birthday?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class, "What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?" Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny.
Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary. Mary answered, "I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions of love are." The teacher said, "Very interesting. Mary."
Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him. Johnny said, "I think your feet go up first." Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?"
Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room, I saw my mom with her feet in the air saying, 'Oh God!' If it hadn't been for Dad on top of her holding her down, she'd be in heaven"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was coming out of church one day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The man said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!"
The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. From an upper-crust family, he was well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a Detroit boy who was going into the 5th grade for the 3rd time.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."
The private school student went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination -- Timbuktu." The audience went wild! They wondered how the Detroit boy could top that?!
The clock started again and the Detroit boy sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: "Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu"
That's it for today, my little goslings. Remember, if you have to release bad news to the public, it helps if you are not ugly. No AREA 51 for me tonight. It's going to be a laid back weekend.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !