Wednesday, December 10, 2014
The Stockings Were Hung By The Chimney With Care
We are bombarded with Christmas commercials and each one pauses to say, "It makes a great stocking stuffer." Some claims may be misleading. For example, Viagra would hardly be a good idea nor would a subscription to Nutrisystem.
Even worse, in a TV commercial, pitchman Phil Swift applies Flex Seal to a screen door inserted in the bottom of a rowboat, then launches the boat with himself as skipper. The self proclaimed Jungle Jack Hannah hawks Cosequin for animals.
Both suggest their products would make a good stocking stuffer. If you are enjoying a good relationship with your spouse, I'd pass on those two sterling ideas.
We never hung Christmas stockings when I was a kid, so I'm no expert as to what a stocking should contain. My friends that did hang stockings told me that most contained fruit, nuts and an occasional candy cane. Most of us were just happy to get a toy in addition to clothes and shoes (which conveniently, could also be worn to school and church).
The bottom line? If you enjoy hanging Christmas stockings, then go for it! Just be sure that you choose the right product.
The News As I See It: Obama met with Britain's Prince William in the Oval Office. It was a meeting between a symbolic ruler with no real power and the future king of England. He said, "It feels weird being in the White House because I'm not an American." And then Prince William said, "Yeah, me too." Prince William wanted to see where the president spends his time, but the golf course was covered in snow.
A village in Alaska has been without mail for days because its only postal worker quit. So if you want to reach anyone in that village, you will have no choice but to email, call, text, Facebook, tweet, Skype, or Instagram.
Obama went to the hospital because of a sore throat, but it turned out to be acid reflux. I'm not so sure. He's been hugging a lot of Ebola people lately. Talk about irony, Obama's procedure is not covered by Obamacare. His doctor said he needs Zantac. Sadly, that's actually the best news President Obama's gotten in a very long time. So now, Joe Biden is just a heartburn away from the Oval Office.
McDonald's has released a video showing how its Chicken McNuggets are made. Apparently it turns out that McNuggets aren't made out of chicken. They're made out of people who ask too many questions.
There is a new student loan calculator app that can determine how long students will be in debt based on their major. For example, if you’re an arts major, you can’t afford the app.
This Date In History: 1817; Mississippi became the 20th state in the United States. 1869 ; The territory of Wyoming authorized women to vote and hold office. 1901; The first Nobel Prizes were awarded in Stockholm, Sweden, in the fields of physics, chemistry, medicine, literature, and peace.
1948; The United Nations General Assembly adopted its Universal Declaration on Human Rights. 1950; Dr. Ralph Bunche became the first black to receive a Nobel Peace Prize. 1964; Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., received the Nobel Peace Prize.
1999; Los Alamos scientist Wen Ho Lee was arrested and charged with stealing classified information. 2004; A U.S. passenger jet landed in Vietnam, the first one to do so since the Vietnam War ended nearly three decades earlier.
Picture Of The Day: The stockings are hung. I just hope Santa realizes the fire is burning.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They say you should test your fire alarm once a month. I try but it's costing me a fortune in houses. 2) Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. 3) When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup toward the carton and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 4) I remember my first day of school. My parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. So there I was...surrounded by trees and bushes. 5) If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, call them up later when you’re drunk.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius December 10th: Don't trust little birdies, they're renowned liars. Love will no longer be just another four-letter-word to you today as you will start to understand why birds suddenly appear every time someone you care for comes near. That notwithstanding, buzzards are not an integral part of the picture.
Birthdays: Thomas Gallaudet, educator of the deaf 1787, Emily Dickinson, American poet 1830, Melvil Dewey, library pioneer 1851, Chet Huntley, news broadcaster 1911, Dorothy Lamour, actress 1914, Douglas Kenney, humorist 1947, Kenneth Branagh, actor, director 1960, Raven-Symoné, actor, singer 1985.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town.
Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are." The cashier leaned over the counter and said, "Buuurrrrrr Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"
An older couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. He asked, rather trustingly,"How do you feel about sex?" Responding very carefully, she replied, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked, "Is that one word or two?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.
A clergyman was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
A man who worked for the post office had the job of processing all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter arrived in a shaky handwriting just addressed to God -- with no mailing address, just her return address. He thought he should open it to see what it was all about.
The letter read:
I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with and have no family to turn to. You are my only hope. Can you please help me?
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady addressed to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
That's it for today, my little sleigh belles and bills. Remember, the colors red, white and blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !