Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Today is Christmas Eve and Santa has begun his yearly trek to deliver his gifts. He's checking his list to see who's been naughty and who's been nice, so I'm relatively sure I won't be one of his stops. But there's still hope for you, my little sleigh belles, and if per chance he doesn't stop by your house either, he didn't hear anything from me.
I feel sorry for any man who hasn't yet purchased a present for his wife or girlfriend (or both). Younger men traditionally make the error of a hasty, last minute purchase but soon catch on after a few years seeing "that look" in her eyes when she opens her gift. It is a look that is never forgotten over the duration of their relationship.
Smart, more experienced women have already learned how to get the gift they really want. They simply hand the man a list with the name of the store, the department location and a picture and pertinent details of the present along with a GPS tracking device. A copy of the note is also pinned to the man's shirt so the sales woman knows what she wants.
Men's wants are very basic. If they truly want it, they've already purchased it. Anything else along the lines of food, drink, sports equipment or electronics will usually suffice.
Fortunately for men, their spouse, girlfriends, sisters or mother always makes sure that their men receive their annual re-supply of underwear, T-shirts and sox. Although these things are not very flashy, they always come in the Saint Nick of time as men never purchase these items for themselves.
So that's the basic shopping plans for today and tomorrow. I wish a safe, Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday to all of my family, friends and readers!
The News As I See It: Everybody celebrates the holidays differently. This year many people are traveling to theme parks. They're going to events like Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party and, of course, the most popular event — go play while mommy and daddy drink.
KFC in Japan will continue its tradition of offering customers a Christmas dinner, which includes chicken, wine, cake, and champagne. For no extra charge, you can tell the cashier how you didn't see your life ending up like this.
This Date In History: 1524; Portuguese navigator Vasco da Gama died in Cochin, India. 1814; The War of 1812 between America and Britain ended with the signing of the Treaty of Ghent. 1818; "Silent Night" was composed by Franz Joseph Gruber.
1865; The Ku Klux Klan was formed in Pulaski, Tennessee. 1871; Giuseppe Verdi's opera Aida premiered in Cairo, Egypt, at the opening of the Suez Canal.
1943; Gen. Dwight Eisenhower was appointed supreme commander of Allied Forces by President Franklin Roosevelt. 1992; President Bush pardoned former defense secretary Caspar Weinberger and five others in the Iran-Contra scandal.
Picture Of The Day: The holidays are great times for all of God's creatures.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Barry and Michelle Obama say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Michele says they used to, but she got tired of Obie promising big things and not delivering. 2) A friend asked what I thought about foreign affairs. I told him, "I don't know, I never had one." 3) They say that it's healthier to sneeze into your elbow to avoid spreading the flu virus. That may be true but it's going to wipe out square dancing across America.
4) The one thing that White and Black people know, but Spanish people don't, is that a chicken is food, not a roommate. 5) During my first marriage, our parents advised us to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife still got pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 24th: The post-office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that for once is neither ticking nor covered in mysterious powder. If it's a nice gift and there's no return address on it, it's from me. Merry Christmas! It took hours to find the perfect gift for you.
Birthdays: Kit Carson, American frontiersman and guide 1808, James Prescott Joule, physicist 1818, Juan Ramón Jiménez, lyric poet 1881, Howard Hughes, business executive 1905, Ava Gardner, actress 1922, Mary Higgins Clark, novelist 1931, Ricky Martin, singer 1971, Ryan Seacrest, TV personality 1974.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."
Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers and says. "Been on holiday yet, lads?'' John says, We're off to England next month. We go to England every year, hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim nods in agreement.
The bartender says, "Ah, England! Wonderful Country... the history, the beer, the culture....'' John says, "Nah, we don't like that British crap. Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English. They're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians.''
The bartender asks, "So why keep going to England?" John replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive...."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless. The King exclaimed, "This is no good, Merlin! Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?" Merlin said, "Ah, sire, just observe."
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. King Arthur said, "Merlin, you are a genius! Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, everyone of them except, Sir Galahad.
King Arthur said, "Sir Galahad, you are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever it is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours." But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless……..
An old man went to the mall to buy Christmas cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet displays of hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."
The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an ‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods." The old man says, "Really?" The clerk said, "Yes sir, they’re called darts."
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida where everyone lives in nice little houses, so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!
They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now.
They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Some times they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night.....early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
That's it for today, my little snowflakes. Remember, when the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Have a very Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah and more on Friday.
Stay Tuned !