Friday, December 19, 2014
Today's post is early as there are many happy hour events and parties and I'm heading for all of them. I went to quite a few parties last year and ended up taking a bus home. First time I've ever driven a bus.
I would have gotten home much sooner but the passengers kept ringing the bell to get off at their stops. The neat thing is that I just pocketed the fare money. Well, until the policeman told me I couldn't keep it.
So, I'll soon be off to happy hour and I'll let you know what happens..... Cheers!
The News As I See It: Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.
Obama announced that the U.S. is working to improve its relationship with Cuba in an effort to normalize full diplomatic relations. For instance, they released one of our prisoners and in return we sent back one of their shortstops. Personally, I think Obie just did it for the Cuban cigars.
Despite Russia's move to raise interest rates this week, the value of the ruble has continued to crash. Russia's economy is so bad, Edward Snowden had to put government secrets on Craigslist.
The Dalai Lama said there should be no more Dalai Lamas after his death. That's particularly bad news for his son, Steve Lama.
A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers, and accountants. Sorry, kids, even ISIS says they're not hiring liberal arts majors.
A new poll about the 2016 election shows that just 27 percent of voters would be likely to support Chris Christie. And only 4 percent of chairs.
After closing their final session, the outgoing 113th Congress has an approval rating of just 16 percent. To give you some perspective, Bill Cosby is at 17.
This Date In History: 1732; Benjamin Franklin began publishing Poor Richard's Almanac. 1776; Thomas Paine published his first American Crisis essay, in which he wrote, "These are the times that try men's souls."
1843; Charles Dickens published "A Christmas Carol." 1946; War broke out in Indochina when Ho Chi Minh attacked the French. 1972; Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, ending the Apollo program of manned lunar landings.
1984; Britain and China signed an accord returning Hong Kong to Chinese sovereignty on July 1, 1997. 1998; President Bill Clinton impeached on two counts by the House of Representatives. 2003; Muammar al-Qaddafi of Libya announced that his country would discontinue development of weapons of mass destruction.
Picture Of The Day: Partay !
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. 2) A tree fell in the forest. A man didn't hear it. He's dead now. 3) After watching a winter Olympic sled competition, I have come to the conclusion that the strategy for the Luge competition is to lie flat and try not to die.
4) The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan and Yemen. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway. 5) I bought my girlfriend a hamster skin coat. We went to the fair last night and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 19th: The temperature will affect you this week in ways that I simply cannot foresee. I believe it will be the kind of temperature that requires the movement of clothing, either on or off, because it will be either hot or cold.....or possibly somewhere in between. You and biscuits are going to be inseparable today.
Birthdays: Ford Frick, sportswriter and radio announcer 1894, Sir Ralph Richardson, actor 1902, Leonid Brezhnev, political leader 1906, Jean Genet, playwright 1910, Edith Piaf, cabaret singer 1915, Doug Harvey, hockey player 1924, Cicely Tyson, actress 1933, Alberto Tomba, alpine skier 1966, Alyssa Milano, actor 1972, Jake Gyllenhaal, actor 1980.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down. It is nearly waist high and is still falling.
He said the temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
One day, Johnny was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. Tommy said, "Bubba, where'd you git that truck?" Bubba replied, "Tammie give it to me." Johnny said, "She give it to ya? I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
Bubba said, "Well, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Richard for his contribution to today's stories.
Two men are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know in the rutting season that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?" His friend replies, "Aww, crap! And I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
He mumbles from behind the mask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir, they look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely, "Are - my - test - results - back?"
There's a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are very interesting. Thirty percent of the women feel that their ass is too fat. Ten percent of the women feel that their ass is too skinny.
The remaining sixty percent say they don't care. They love him, he is a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
That's it for today, my little tater tots. Remember, rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art. You can find me in AREA 51 for happy hour and a few birthday celebrations.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !