Monday, December 8, 2014
Please Don't Interrupt Me When I'm Talking To Myself
I talk to myself. I have to because sometimes I need expert advice. My Dad talked to himself too. At first, it scared me and I told Mom. She laughed and said, "One day, you'll understand." Two marriages and three children later, it makes perfect sense.
I have to be careful when I talk to myself because people think it's weird. It's not weird. The fact that a rat can last longer without water than a camel...that's weird. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because farting in a spacesuit will damage it...that's weird.
It's safe to talk to yourself in a car. People see your lips moving and think you're singing along with a song, but you're not. You're just having a pleasant conversation with yourself.
It’s alright to talk to yourself. It’s even alright to talk to yourself and answer yourself. The time to start worrying is when you talk to yourself, answer yourself, lose your train of thought and then ask, "What was I saying?"
The other evening I was having a rather amusing conversation with myself and I made myself chuckle. At the same time, I felt something touching my leg. I looked down and saw my cat Samantha staring at me with what seemed to be a look of pity in her eyes.
You see, I talk to Samantha as well and I assume that after she realized I wasn't talking to her, she figured I was losing my mind. What does she know? She can't even talk......What was I saying?
The News As I See It: According to a survey, the most popular Christmas song of all time is "Silent Night." The least popular? "Joy Behar to the World", "We Three Kardashians" and "I Saw Mommy Kissing Bill Cosby."
I read an interesting story in the newspaper today about Obama's determination to release the remaining terrorists from Guantanamo Bay before his term is over. He's trying to prop up his dismal legacy. I think he should release all the terrorists into Chicago and Detroit. They'd fit right in.
By the way, for the younger readers, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
This Date In History: 1854; Pope Pius IX proclaimed the dogma of the Immaculate Conception. 1886; The American Federation of Labor was founded at a convention of union leaders in Columbus, Ohio. 1941; Congress declared war on Japan and the U.S. entered World War II.
1949; Communist attacks forced the Chinese Nationalist government to flee to the island of Formosa (Taiwan). 1978; Former Israeli prime minister Golda Meir died. 1980; John Lennon, former member of the Beatles, was shot and killed in New York City by a deranged fan.
1987; President Reagan and Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev signed the first treaty to reduce the nuclear arsenals of the two superpowers. 1993; President Bill Clinton signed The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) into law.
Picture Of The Day: Jasper, the lovable pup belonging to "The Five" personality and commentator Dana Perino. I just added a bit of dialogue to the continuous pictures of Jasper posted by Ms. Perino.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. 2) Depresso: When you've run out of coffee. 3) I think that Nancy Pelosi and Debbie Wasserman Shultz's particular gene pools may have been one of those above ground ones. 4) Too much business, not enough monkey. 5) Stupid auto-correct. I always end up posting some thong I didn't Nintendo.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - December 8th: In spite of yourself, this day should be very lucrative and fulfilling. But I sometimes wonder, have you ever felt that you're a shopping bag and life is one big supermarket? If you can get engrossed in that analogy, think of me as the store announcer. "Clean up in aisle 12".
Birthdays: Mary, Queen of Scots, queen 1542, Christina, queen of Sweden 1626, Eli Whitney, American inventor 1765, William C. Durant, manufacture 1861, Aristide Maillol, sculptor 1861, Jean Sibelius, composer 1865, Diego Rivera, painter 1886, James Thurber, humorist 1894, Lee J. Cobb, actor 1911, Sammy Davis, Jr. singer, actor 1925, David Carradine, actor 1936, Jim Morrison, rock musician 1943, Kim Basinger, actress 1953, Teri Hatcher, actress 1964, Sinead O'Connor singer, songwriter 1966.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, and he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash."
The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are so generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?"
With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook…"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $2.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." The attendant said with a grin, "Well, sir, you're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled at the top of his lungs to the driver, "Pull over!" The blonde yelled back, "No, scarf!"
A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards San Diego, California. The Captain gets on the loud- speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America !" The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter.
When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?" The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
That's it for today, my little goobers. Remember, if you quit school, just remember two things. You tried your best and I don't like pickles on my Big Mac.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !