Monday, December 15, 2014
Want A Priceless Christmas Reaction? Buy Her A Snuggie
Ads for Snuggies are back for the holidays. Men, if you really want to impress your lady, this overpriced crapola is the way to go. Forget diamonds and gold. She'll flip out when you give her a Snuggie. You, however, may receive minor scrapes and bruises.
But wait! There's more! Ladies, you too can warm the heart of your loved one with a Snuggie. I know he mentioned that he wanted a watch or an iPad. What he really wants is a Snuggie.
Sure, Snuggies are basically blankets with sleeves and sell for up to $50, but If you're too lazy to get up and get a blanket, you deserve to pay the price. And let's not forget the look on his or her face when the postman (with a look of disbelief) delivers that Snuggie to your lover.
Yes, If you want to change the look on your loved one's face and possibly obtain their new forwarding address, get 'em a Snuggie for Christmas.....
The News As I See It: Golden Globe nominations were announced, but some people are upset that “The Walking Dead” and “Modern Family” were snubbed. It’s ok though, Obama has issued an executive action granting them all a path to a nomination.
Joe Biden will assist in the 35th annual lighting of the National Menorah at the White House. When he heard that, Smokey Bear said, "Hold my calls. This is not gonna end well." Biden said that he will decide on a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the spring or the summer. Then he said, "Whichever comes first."
In New York City, they have what they call a Santa pub crawl. Around 30,000 Santas, early in the morning, start going from bar to bar to bar, all day long. Last year it was won by a guy from Kenya.
This Date In History: 1791; The Bill of Rights took effect with Virginia's ratification of it. 1890; Sioux Indian chief Sitting Bull was killed by Native American police. 1916; The French defeated the Germans in the Battle of Verdun. 1939; The movie Gone With the Wind premiered in Atlanta, Georgia.
1944; Band leader Glenn Miller disappeared in a plane crash over the English Channel. 1961; Adolf Eichmann was sentenced to death by an Israeli court for organizing the deportation of Jews to concentration camps. 1964; Canada adopted its national flag, a red maple leaf on a white background.
1966; Animated-cartoon pioneer and movie producer Walt Disney died in Los Angeles. 1989; A demonstration that turned into a popular uprising in Romania began the downfall of Nicolae Ceausescu.
Picture Of The Day: Now this is my idea of a Snuggie.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) According to a new report, it now costs $350,000 to raise a child for 18 years. Of course, you have to double that if the kid lives in your basement until he's twenty-six. 2) The condensed history of a divorce: A do, I do, Adieu. 3) I'm not here right now. I've gone to go look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait. 4) Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. 5) Last weekend, during a routine cleanup, park crews discovered a cannon from the Revolutionary War that was still loaded. Old, loaded and ready to go — just like me before the karaoke show.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 15th: Loving care is something that people write on shampoo bottles. What you need is a good hard drink. A beautiful woman will turn your head today and make you wonder whether you're as committed as you ought to be.
Birthdays: My friends Christina, Patricia and Sam - Happy Birthday ladies! 19XX, George Romney, portrait painter 1734, Franklin Benjamin Sanborn, journalist and philanthropist 1831, Gustave Eiffel, French engineer 1832, J. Paul Getty, business executive 1892, Muriel Rukeyser, poet 1913, Edna O'Brien, writer 1932, Don Johnson, actor 1949, Adam Brody, actor 1979.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
An Ottawa resident said, "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them. One of them even asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. I mean how many art-history and English majors does one country need?"
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The coroner says to the inspector, "The first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."
The Coroner says, "The second body is a twenty-five-year-old Scotsman who won a thousand pounds on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. He died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" The coroner says, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob is a thirty-year-old-man from Kentucky and was struck by lightning."
The inspector asks, "Why is he smiling then?" The coroner replied, "He thought he was having his picture taken."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Golf Club Sign:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
5. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
6. IF YOU TAKE TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
7. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
8. QUIET PLEASE WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
9. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE - NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.
A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way! I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here, take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The dentist replies, "Viagra."
The man looks surprised and asks, "Will that kill the pain?" The dentist replies, "No, but it will give you something to hold on to while I pull that tooth!"
That's it for today, my little egg nogs. Remember, honesty is the best policy unless you want people to like you.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !