Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Time To Get My Oil Checked
I had my yearly doctor's exam last week. He put on a glove and checked my oil, listened to my heart and took blood samples. We met today and he said I was a quart low, but overall, I was in good health for a man of 93.
He said, "Jimmy, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and with God?" I told him, "God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go pee (poof!)....the light goes on. Then, when I'm finished (poof!)....the light goes off."
Later, while I was getting my next appointment, he talked to my girlfriend and asked about "the light". She said, "I've got to watch that old fool. He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
The News As I See It: The Obama administration announced a deal with Iran that would prevent the Iranians from making a nuclear weapon. In exchange, we're giving the Iranians Netflix.
Obama also announced that he is commuting the sentences of 46 prisoners, most of whom committed nonviolent crimes. Then those 46 convicts said, "Actually we already escaped, but thanks for thinking of us, Bro."
Mexico is offering a $3.8 million reward for information leading to the capture of the escaped billionaire drug lord, El Chapo. Mexico said they'll get the money by borrowing it from El Chapo.
Thousands of people across the country went skinny dipping last weekend in an attempt to break the 2009 world record of 13,648 skinny dippers. The sharks said, "Cool, they took the wrappers off of them."
Pope Francis, while he was in Bolivia last week, stopped off at a Burger King to change his clothes before Mass. I’m no expert, but I can assure you that’s the best thing that’s ever happened in a Burger King bathroom in Bolivia.
After 17 hours of negotiations, European leaders agreed early this morning to a tentative deal to resolve the debt crisis in Greece. Seventeen hours — or as Greeks call that, a workweek.
This Date In History: 1869; Margarine was patented in France by Hippolyte Mege Mouries. 1870; Georgia became the last of the Confederate States to be readmitted to the Union. 1918; The Second Battle of the Marne began during World War I.
1940; The world's tallest man (8 feet, 11.1 inches), Robert Wadlow, died. 1948; John J. Pershing, whose leadership in World War I earned him the title General of the Armies of the United States, died in Washington, DC.
1975; The Russian Soyuz and the U.S. Apollo launched. The Apollo-Soyuz mission was the first international manned spaceflight. 2010; After 86 days of gushing oil into the Gulf of Mexico and several previous attempts to contain the flow, BP caps its leaking oil well.
Picture Of The Day: My cable has been out all day. Has the wicked witch of the west created more havoc today?
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Saying it's McDonald's fault because your kids are fat is like saying it's Hooter's fault because your husband likes big tits. 2) The strange thing about men who hang out in bars is they have only one of two reasons to be there. They either have no wife to go home to...or they do. 3) On a traffic light yellow means yield, green means go and red means stop. On a banana, it's just the opposite. Yellow means go ahead, green means stop and red means you're holding an apple. 4) As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia 5) I'm seriously considering telling the Centers for Disease Control that I think I have Ebola, so they'll clean my house.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 15th: Alas, the morning will be useless but buck up my friends, the evening will go very well. Most of your dreams will come true over the coming weekend, so prepare for wealth, love and the chance of romance is 87.63 percent.
You may think later this week that your computer has been hacked by your sexy 22 year old neighbor, Marie, but you will soon come to realize that, in actuality, a ferret has chewed through the cord of your mouse.
Birthdays: Rembrandt, Dutch painter, etcher, and draftsman 1606, Clement Moore, poet 1779, Mother Cabrini, nun 1850, Iris Murdoch, writer 1919.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in an adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago." The old lady continued, "So, where were you all these years?" The man says, "In prison."
The old lady asked, "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." The old woman said, "Oh! So you're single...?!"
A man and woman were in divorce court awaiting the judge's ruling on the financial and property settlement. The judge said, "Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $750 a week."
Mr Clark said, "That's very fair, your honor, and every now and then, I'll try to give her a few bucks, myself."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.
An old drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I just love ballerinas." The woman stares at the drunk and replies angrily, "I'm not a ballerina!"
The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"
An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties.
The old woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The old man replied, "That's fine with me."
The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "that's fine with me."
Then, the old lady said, "I want to have sex five days a week." The old man said, "That's fine with me - put me down for Fridays."
That's it for today, my little moon pies. Remember, an ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated, which is kinda funny 'cause so does my Uncle. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !