Monday, July 6, 2015

We'll Be Right Back After This Brief Message

I have some business to attend to beginning tomorrow and hopefully ending Wednesday evening around 6 pm. I will not have access to my computer, ergo, the chances of posting Jimmy's Journal on Wednesday is iffy.

Assuming all goes well, I will resume posting on Friday July 10th. In the inerim, talk amongst yourselves and, as Arnold Scharzenegger once said, "Where's the maid?", make that, "I'll be back."

The News As I See It: So many people have jumped the White House fence recently that the Secret Service is putting metal spikes on it. This is the latest in security technology — from 1325. It's impenetrable, unless you use a ladder. We're now protecting the Obama's life the same way we keep pigeons from sitting on ATMs. Come to think of it, that'll be just fine.

This Date In History: 1535; Sir Thomas More was beheaded after refusing to join Henry VIII's Church of England. 1885; Louis Pasteur successfully treated a patient with a rabies vaccine.

1942; Anne Frank and her family sought refuge from the Nazis in Amsterdam. 1944; A fire caused by inept fire-eaters in the main tent of the Ringling Brothers Circus in Hartford, Conn., killed over 160 people.

1957; Althea Gibson won the Wimbledon women's singles tennis title. She was the first black person to win the event. 1997; The Mars rover Sojourner rolled onto the Martian surface. 1998; Roy Rogers, the King of the Cowboys, died.

Picture Of The Day: Greece cheers and votes "NO" as it begins it's demise. 'Ya gotta pay your bills, right Detroit, Illinois, Puerto Rico and California?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I wonder if anyone has anybody tried unplugging Obama and Congress and then plugging them back in? 2) Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person's confidence, but nobody in the park seemed to appreciate it. 3) I asked my mom once how she knew dad was "the one". She said, "Because DNA tests don't lie." 4) Christina Aguilera named her baby girl "Summer Rain". That's profound. I think her source of inspiration must have been a can of Glade air freshener.  5) Somewhere a village is missing its' idiot. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm drunk and I can't remember the way home.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - July 6th: Don't let it go to your head if someone says you're a lion. They may have said, "You're lying" and that could very well cause problems. Aside from that, today looks pretty good for you. In fact, I'd buy a lottery ticket if I were you. Romance, on a sliding scale of one to ten, is in the high sevens. Romance on a regular scale could cause back problems.

Birthdays: Diego Velázquez, painter 1599, Pierre Corneille, dramatist 1606, Nathan Hale, officer 1755, John Trumbull, painter 1756, Aleksandr Pushkin, poet, dramatist 1799, Alexandra Feodorovna, Czarina 1872, Thomas Mann, German novelist and essayist, the outstanding German novelist of the 20th century 1875, Sukarno, statesman 1901, Björn Borg, tennis player 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A female veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions about symptoms and how long had they been occurring.

Finally, she interrupted him and said. "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we may have to have to put you to sleep."

On a hot, dusty day, a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine.

An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing and asked, "Whudd'ya do that fer?" The cowboy said, "I got chapped lips."

The old man asked, "Does that help?" The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: When Jesus went to Heaven, the first thing he did was look for his father, as he has never met the man before and was curious as to what he looks like. He looks high and low but cannot find him.

He asks St. Peter, "Where is my father?" St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel, "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist ,"Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. Jesus says, "Who are you?" The old man says."Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father?

Jesus says, "Tell me of your son, old man." The old man says, "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. He has holes in his hand where the nails used to be....." Jesus shouts, "Father!!!" The old man yells, "Pinocchio!!!"

A preacher was giving his usual Sunday sermon when a young woman in the balcony, taken up by the moment, slipped and fell over the rail. Fortunately, she managed to grasp the railing with one hand and dangerously dangled there. Unfortunately, the mini skirt she was wearing rode up to her waist, entirely exposing the front of her young body.

The preacher, heavily involved in the final throes of his sermon, saw the young woman with everything exposed, dangling by one hand. He was concerned and worried that the spectacle not only might effect his sermon, but also the money that the church would make when they passed the collection plates.

The preacher quickly motioned to his deacon to go up and rescue the girl and nervously hurried to finish his sermon and start the collections. He saw that some of the males in the congregation had noticed the commotion and were feasting their eyes on the spectacle.

Fearful that this would ruin everything, he exclaimed, "We have a minor emergency which shall be rectified shortly. Sister Jones has slipped from the balcony and his hanging there by one hand. Her private parts are exposed and if any member of the congregation turns around to look at poor sister Jones, The lord will make them go blind."

An old man in the front pew of the church thought about it, then stood up, put his hand over his left eye and exclaimed, "I'm gonna take a chance on one eye!"

That's it for today, my little bean sprouts. Remember, the media says Obama won't be making any more public speeches in Texas. It turns out that every time he gets up on stage to make a speech, some South Texas cotton farmer starts bidding on him.

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More on Wednesday (hopefully).

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

I hope you are able to make bail and be back for the mid week sermon. I saw a nekkid guy on this entry. there might be some booze left in the bottle, but the pizza is gone. I hope it raises his esteem.
Stay cool!