Monday, July 20, 2015

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Surfer Mick Fanning escaped a shark attack while competing in the J-Bay Open in South Africa. I have never been attacked by a shark because of my diarrhea gene which kicks in the moment I see a fin, thus blinding the shark to my whereabouts.

This particular gene does, however, discourage friends and family to swim near me at the beach. Additionally, I have found the gene to be useless when fishing from a pier and espying a shark in the water, but I digress.....

Continuing with the story, as one can see, surfer Fanning, either through yelling or just plain intuition, has gotten wind of something closing in from behind.

He decides that it's time to begin paddling away from the impending attack, but to no avail. He's just not fast enough.

Times up, my friend. The shark attacks and Fanning attempts to fight the beast off. The shark is happy that Fanning does not possess the dreaded "Jimmy Diarrhea Gene".

The competition was canceled after Fanning escaped unharmed from the attack in the opening minutes of the final heat. Organizers of the J-Bay Open, the sixth stop on the 2015 Samsung Galaxy World Surf League Championship Tour, called off the remainder of the competition.

After discussion with WSL Commissioner Kieren Perrow, Fanning and competitor Julian Wilson decided to take equal second in rankings points and split the prize purse awarded to the winner.

The News As I See It: Obama became the first sitting president to visit a federal prison yesterday. Obama said it was a good chance to talk about prison reform and to catch up with family, friends and former congressmen.

MSNBC host Lawrence O’Donnell is saying Donald Trump lied when he said he made $20 million a year off his "Apprentice" series on NBC. NBC also denied Trump’s claim, saying, "We don’t have $20 million. We’re NBC."

Some great pictures are coming from the New Horizon probe as it passes by dwarf planet Pluto. Pluto is still angry about being demoted to a "Dwarf Planet".

This Date In History: 1810; Colombia declared independence from Spain. 1881; Fugitive Sioux Indian leader Sitting Bull surrendered to federal troops. 1951; King Abdullah I of Jordan was assassinated.

1960; Sirima Bandaranaike of Sri Lanka (then Ceylon) became the world's first woman prime minister. 1969; Astronaut Neil A. Armstrong was the first man to walk on the Moon.

1985; Treasure hunters found the Spanish galleon Nuestra Senora de Atocha, which sank off the coast of Key West, Florida, in 1622 during a hurricane. The ship contained over $400 million in coins and silver ingots.

Picture Of The Day: All's well that ends well. Surfer Fanning is alive and well and the shark has moved on.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I rarely worry where the subject matter will come from for my next journal entry. Deep down, I know I can always rely on a politician shooting himself in the foot. 2) Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my bathroom scale today. 3) They say that it's healthier to sneeze into your elbow to avoid spreading the flu virus. That may be true but it's going to wipe out Square Dancing across America. 4) Every time I go to happy hour, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!". 5) I am the man of the house and what I say to her one ear and out the other.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - July 20th: Write lots of letters today and you'll appreciate the finer art of stamp licking. Take everything you've got and run like the wind. Sure, it's Monday and notoriously boring, but if you interject your style, maybe you can change that stigma. On second thought, have a few beers and chill and let opportunity come to you. Chance of romance is 37 percent.

Birthdays: Petrarch, poet and humanist 1304, Sir Edmund Hillary, New Zealand mountain climber and explorer 1919, Elliot Lee Richardson, government official 1920, Cormac McCarthy, novelist 1933, Natalie Wood, actress 1938, Carlos Santana, musician 1947.

The Iran Nuclear negotiations are now signed and I want to thank Ayatollah Barrack Hussein for successfully defending his interests 

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A beautiful woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive older man standing alone. She approached him and said, " Hi, my name's Carmen."

The man said, "That's a beautiful name. Is it a family name?" The woman said, "No, I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men. What's your name?" The man replied, "B. J. Titsengolf."

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her cell phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens intently as he lights a cigarette.

In a cheery voice,she says, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye, see you Sunday."

She hangs up, and the man beside her asks asks, "Who was that?" She replies casually, "That was my husband telling me all about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Joe Bob, Jim Bob and Billy Bob are greeted in heaven by St. Peter. "We have only one rule," he says. "Never step on a duck" But upon passing through the Pearly Gates, they're surrounded by thousands of ducks, and Joe Bob steps on one. The duck quacks and soon, all the ducks are quacking.

St. Peter admonishes, "I warned you not to step on a duck." He shackles Joe Bob to a ferocious looking 260 lbs Amazon woman for all eternity. Jim Bob steps on a duck and gets tethered forever to a Brute 6 foot 6 redheaded Viking woman.

Billy Bob thinks, "Poor ole Joe Bob and Jim Bob" and learns to watch his step. So St. Peter chains him to an absolutely gorgeous girl. Billy Bob exclaims, "Wow! What did I do to deserve this?" The buxom beauty says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

An old man was asked by his wife to buy organic vegetables from the market. He went to the farmer's market and looked around but couldn't find any.

He grabbed an old employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The produce guy looked at him and said, "No sir, you'll have to do that yourself."

That's it for today, my little glow worms. Remember, if you get a Department of Homeland Security email titled, "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it! It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I was hoping when the Prez visited the prison they would offer him a room!
Oh yeah, I loved the picture of Pluto, now I know why they named the planet that, That is Pluto ain't it?
Thanks for the read, enjoyed the visit..

RealDreamer said...

"Diarrhea gene"! LOL! Hey, whatever works! Although I think a crap attack is an unfair advantage against the unsuspecting shark. Especially knowing how you like to indulge in ice cream. ;)