Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Sit Down And Let Me 'Splain You Something, Lucy

Many years ago, my Dad sat me down and the explained the proverbial difference between shit and Shinola. Looking back, I don't think the little boys who grew up to be politicians were ever taught this concept.

Politicians continue to worry about what is politically correct and tiptoe around much bigger problems. The deficit is currently around 19 trillion dollars. The spending does not need to be slowed, it needs to be reversed. Big government needs to be shrunk and cuts should be made across the board.

Meanwhile, Mexicans and other illegals are crossing the southern border like ants at a picnic. Islamic terrorist roam the country at will because we can't identify them. The Veterans Administration hospitals are in worse shape before "the chosen one" said it would be fixed a year ago. There is less and less respect for law enforcement. The list goes on and on.

Lawmakers legislate new laws to accommodate the few, some good, some not so good. In the interim, Detroit is bankrupt, the state of Illinois is near bankruptcy, as is California and Puerto Rico. Either way the burden and cost will fall on what remains of the middle class.

Well guess what? You can stick being politically correct where the sun doesn't shine. You can write new laws about the supposed persecution of others and that's fine. But you can't legislate any law that makes me like you. If you act like an ass and dress like an ass, I will avoid you. This is the number one thing that the supposedly oppressed and persecuted need to learn. It's as simple as knowing the difference between shit and Shinola.

The News As I See It: Chris Christie launched his presidential campaign in the gymnasium of his old high school. He wanted to launch it in his school's cafeteria but there's still a restraining order. Christie's campaign slogan is "Telling it like it is." This is in contrast to Hillary's slogan, "Explaining why this is not what it looks like."

Donald Trump's comments about illegal immigrants has pissed off the ultra liberal NBC. Trump isn't even president yet and he's already making America a better place. Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife.

Greece has closed their nation's banks this week in response to its escalating financial crisis. Greece said, "We'll bounce back. We've just had a rough 2,000 years."

This Date In History: 1863; The Battle of Gettysburg, which marked the turning point in the Civil War, began. 1867; Canada became a self-governing dominion of Great Britain under the British North America Act.

1898; Theodore Roosevelt and his Rough Riders fought the battle of San Juan Hill in the Spanish-American War. 1943; Income tax withholding began in the United States. 1962; Burundi and Rwanda achieved independence.

1963; The U.S. Post Office inaugurated its five-digit ZIP (Zone Improvement Plan) codes. 1968; The United States, Britain, the Soviet Union, and 58 other nations signed the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty.

1994; Yasir Arafat returned to Palestinian land after 27 years in exile. 1997; After 156 years of British colonial rule, Hong Kong was returned to China.

2000; The Confederate flag was removed from the South Carolina statehouse. 2000; Vermont's civil unions law went into effect. 2013; Croatia became the 28th member of the European Union.

Picture Of The Day: Thank God for Grandmas and Grandpas.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Five years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today, I asked that same girl to marry me. She said no both times. 2) The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe Flash. 3) Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS. I haven't run out of receipt yet. 4) When people say things like "You can't change the past", I can't help but wonder what it must be like to be that brilliant.  5) Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 1,582 times, you're a weatherman.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - July 1st: This year your birthday falls on a Wednesday. Hey, everyone gets their chance with Wednesdays, so have a great time. Do something different today (except for that stunt you pulled last year) and make it a great day. Chances for romance are extremely high, but bear in mind that's partly due to the fact that it's your birthday and the pity factor.

Birthdays: George Sand, novelist 1804, Louis Blériot, aviator and inventor 1872, Thomas A. Dorsey, gospel musician 1899, Charles Laughton, actor 1899, Estée Lauder, cosmetics company founder, 1908 Olivia De Havilland, actress 1916, Sydney Pollack, producer, director, actor 1934, Twyla Tharp, choreographer 1941, Kalpana Chawla, astronaut 1961, Carl Lewis, athlete 1961, Diana, Princess of Wales 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying nude on the couch. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

The mother-in-law asked, "What are you doing?" The daughter-in-law said, "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work. I am wearing my love dress." The mother-in-law said, "Love dress? But you're naked!"

The daughter-in-law replied, "My husband loves me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

Her husband said, "What are you doing?" His wife whispered sensually, "This is my love dress." Her husband replied, "Needs ironing....."

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50.

She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap, to which he replied, "Well, I have to tell you, the bird's last owner was a madam at a whorehouse and he occasionally makes off color remarks that offend some people."

Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the parrot down on the table. The parrot looked around and said, "New house, new madam." The woman thought, "That's not so bad."

A little while later, her daughters got home from school, and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, two new whores." Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either.

Later that evening, her husband came home. The parrot said, "Hi Jimmy!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two young med students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was a fart. But I was wrong, too."

TA fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."

He continued, "From now on when I say 'Bell 1', I want you to strip naked. When say 'Bell 2', I want you to jump in bed and when I say 'Bell 3', we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "Bell 4!" The husband asked, "What the hell is Bell 4?" His wife replied, "Roll out more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!"

That's it for today, my little french fries. Remember, fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce because the other fifty percent can't afford lawyers. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Fridayday.

Stay Tuned !


RealDreamer said...

I hate politics so I'll just wish Olivia de Havilland a happy 99th birthday!!

Linda's World said...

Chris Christie~restraining order!!! That's a good one.

jack69 said...

Linda beat me to my line... That was a good one. Another one was Trump is already making the USA a better place.
I remember the Shinola and the $hit too.
Enjoyed the read. THANKS.
Stay cool. OH I did notice some new pictures on the side bar, NICE. I liked the one where they asked you to leave the bar and took your keys and you are sitting on the fender waiting for a taxi.
The ladies are a good looking crew!