Friday, July 10, 2015

Put The Damned Seat Down !

An incident took place when I was married where my wife and I came home after a party and both of us were tipsy. We did, however, have a mutual idea for the remainder of the evening. Eventually, I got up and went to the bathroom. Then, my wife went to the bathroom, neglecting to turn on the light.

The ensuing, loud, splash, followed by an angry scream together with obscenities and name calling, caused me to laugh so hard that I couldn't control myself. Of course it didn't hurt that my friends and I had just passed around a doobie only an hour earlier and laughing ridiculously over just about anything is a side effect.

While I tried to apologize and calm my now hysterical wife, assuring her that I had merely forgotten to lower the seat, it did not "sit" well with her. Perhaps the grin on my face and the occasional snicker made her suspicious of the sincerity of my apology.

Nevertheless, I really was sorry. It's just that the lights were off and the mental picture of her sinking into the depths of oblivion while screaming obscenities just cracked me up.

Rest assured, my little pretties, that my oversight cost me dearly over the following months and frankly, it was worth every penney.....

The News As I See It: San Diego is hosting Comic-Con this week. Comic-Con has been around for 46 years. This is the 46th anniversary of people asking each other: "Is William Shatner wearing a wig or what?" This year, Comic-Con has officially banned selfie sticks and e-cigarettes, which is too bad, because now when you see someone smoking an e-cigarette, you have nothing to beat them with.

This Date In History: 1890; Wyoming became the 44th state in the United States. 1940; The Battle of Britain began. 1951; Armistice talks to end the Korean War began at Kaesong. 1973; The Bahamas became independent from Great Britain.

1985; The Coca-Cola Company announced that it was bringing back the original Coke and calling it Coca-Cola Classic. 1989; Mel Blanc, the "man of a thousand voices," including such cartoon characters as Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and Porky Pig, died in Los Angeles.

1991; President Bush lifted economic sanctions against South Africa. 1991; Boris Yeltsin was sworn in as Russia's first elected president. 1995; Myanmar activist Aung San Suu Kyi was released after six years of house arrest. 2003; Spain opened its first mosque (in Granada) since the Moors were expelled in 1492.

Picture Of The Day: Congratulations to the United States Womens' World Cup Champions. Well done !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Hide and go pee is one of the favorite games at my retirement home. 2) You know you're from the South when you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. 3) Your "other car" is just as crummy as the one you're driving.  4) In politics, Deja Poo is described as the feeling that you've heard this shit before. 5) The most exciting variety of sex is "rodeo sex". That's when you mount your woman from behind, pull her head back gently and whisper in her ear, "Your sister was better than you" and then try to hold on for 8 seconds.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - July 10th: Today doesn't look very promising but the good news is that report you were waiting for from your doctor is negative. Take life with a grain of salt a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila. Remember, there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. Chance of romance is 21.06 percent, so buy the big bottle of tequila

Birthdays: John Calvin, theologian 1509, Camille Pissarro, impressionist painter 1830, Marcel Proust, novelist 1871, Mary McLeod Bethune, educator 1875, Saul Bellow, novelist 1915, David Brinkley, broadcaster 1920, Alice Munro, writer 1931, Arthur Ashe, American tennis player 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The fifth grade teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up. Akio said, "Patrick Henry, 1775." The teacher said, "Very good!"

The teacher continued, "Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher said, "Excellent! let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said, "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do." She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs."

The teacher angrily demanded, "Who said that? I want to know right now!" Little Akio put his hand up and said, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks, "All right!!! Now who said that!?" Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004." The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!" Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008."

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."

The woman asks, "What about the third rose?" The nurse says, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

For The "Angels"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" The older doctor replied, "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." The younger doctor said, "You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it? "Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?" Socrates replied, "Wait a minute. Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." The acquaintance queried, "Triple filter?"

Socrates continued, "Yes. Before you talk to me about Diogenes, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" The man said, "No, actually, I just heard about it." Socrates said, "All right. So, you don't really know if it's true or not."

Socrates went on, "Now, let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?" The man says, "No, on the contrary....." Socrates interrupts, "So, you want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates said, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" The man says, "No, not really."

Socrates concluded, "Well, if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was screwing his wife.

That's it for today, my little musk rats. Remember, although it is said that the only difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is one degree in the normal reading, the main difference is in the taste. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


RealDreamer said...

Q: How many me does it take to put down a toilet seat?

A: Who knows? It's never been done!

Funny post! Bathroom humor at its finest!

RealDreamer said...

*men not me!

Paula said...

If John ever put the toilet seat down I would hit high center.

jack69 said...

Got company from Florida. Mark says the ladies are cute. Likes the jokes.
About the opening... I FORGOT ONE TIME!
Nite thanks for hte smiles and education.

Senorita said...

As a woman, I have never really understood the toilet seat fight. That is probably because I always look where I am about to place my bare bottom, and it has saved me. You never know if there is a spider, or a mess, or no toilet paper.

That is a hilarious pic of Al Sharpton and Obama. I can't post shit like that on social media, I would totally get flamed for it.