Monday, October 5, 2015
Another Mundane Monday
One of the few positive things about Mondays is that blondes finally laugh at the jokes I told them at happy hour on Friday night. The good thing is that it's just about over and I've completed the first part of the the necessary steps to get to Friday.
Monday's news is always a reminder that the weekend is over and it's time to return to the real world. I'm able to cope with the reality of the first day of the work week but I sure as hell don't have to like it.
Here are some observations I have made today based on today's television and radio news and reports. Most of these reports are accurate but a few may have been contrived.
The News As I See It: More of Hillary Clinton's emails were released, and one shows that she had made a list of talking points for a trip to L.A. in case she ran into Ellen DeGeneres, which is ironic because Bill does the same thing in case he runs into Hillary.
Congrats to the Toronto Blue Jays for making the playoffs for the first time in 22 years. Nothing says "America's pastime" more than a bunch of guys from the Dominican Republic playing for a team in Canada.
Burger King has begun bottling its own merlot and they call it Whopper Wine. Not to be outdone, 7-Eleven has begun selling a product fermented for six months. They call it a hot dog.
This Date In History: 1877; Chief Joseph surrendered to the U.S. Army. 1910; King Manuel II was overthrown in a revolution and Portugal became a republic. 1921; The World Series was broadcast on the radio for the first time.
1947; In the first televised White House address, President Truman urged Americans to refrain from eating meat on Tuesdays and poultry on Sundays to help starving people in other countries.
1953; Earl Warren was sworn in as the 14th Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court. 1962; The Beatles released their first hit, "Love Me Do," in Britain.
1990; Cincinnati's Contemporary Arts Center and its director were acquitted of obscenity charges resulting from an exhibit of Robert Mapplethorpe's photographs.
2001; Barry Bonds broke Mark McGwire's record of 71 home runs in one season when he hit his 71st and 72nd homers.
Picture Of The Day: Volkswagon seems to have a smoking problem.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 2) In order to fly on an airplane, I must be filled up with Dewars White Label Scotch at the same time as the airplane is filled with aviation fuel. 3) Snuggies are a stupid invention. Not only that, they're not new or an invention. In my house, we call them robes and if you're too stupid to operate a blanket, you deserve to be cold. 4) I've always wanted to go to a Senior's golf tournament and hook up the course's sprinkler system to The Clapper before the tournament. 5) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 5th: The Nigerian bank that is holding your email-friend's money may be a scam, but don't fret. Word has it that you may have already won 10 million dollars from Publisher's Clearing House. Chance of romance is 47 percent and that's about the best odds you'll get this week.
Birthdays: Jonathan Edwards, theologian 1703, Francesco Guardi, landscape and architectural painter 1712, Denis Diderot, encyclopedist 1713, Chester A. Arthur, 21st President of the United States 1830, Louis Lumiére, inventor 1864.
Raymond A. Kroc, who purchased McDonalds franchises from the McDonald brothers and became eventual owner and CEO 1902, Vaclav Havel, political leader, dramatist, poet 1936, Bob Geldof, rock musician 1951, Maya Lin, architect and artist 1959 Mario Lemieux, hockey player 1965, Kate Winslet, actress 1975.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" She answered with a seductive smile, Yes..."
Her husband said, "Thank God for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge that read, "It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my mom’s."
So I checked the fridge. The light came on and the beer was cold. The fridge was working fine. I'm still not sure what the problem was.
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and are pretty.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant has a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they have never been there before.
Headline News From The Year 2030: Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off. Physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Lichtenstein. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
In Other News: Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba..... Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut..... Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States..... Senate still blocking drilling in ANWAR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays......
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative..... Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights..... New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2031..... IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent...... Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
That's it for today, my little starlings. Remember, if a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
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More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !