Friday, October 2, 2015
Timing Is Everything
It never fails. Nature beckons and you heed the call. The moment you take your position on the throne, somebody knocks on the door. The options are to abort or complete your mission. If you abort, surely the people at the door want to tell you about Jesus.
On the other hand, if you stay the course, the door knocker was delivering an important package or the postman has a special delivery. This is one of the few drawbacks about being single.
I have learned that packages I order from Amazon are usually delivered between 5-6 pm. Knowingly, I try to complete any of nature's calls prior to that time.
But Mother Nature seems to enjoy trifling with me and ofttimes my timing is foiled by an early delivery. As for the religion squad who are surely unemployed, I have answered the door clad only in my underwear. For some reason, they are stopping by less and less.
The News As I See It: CNN will break new ground by live streaming the next primary debate in virtual reality. With the help of a virtual reality headset, users can actually watch the debates from the perspective of an audience member. It'll feel like you're seeing Hillary Clinton right in front of you, but she's not actually there — just like the real Hillary Clinton!
NSA leaker Edward Snowden joined Twitter yesterday, and immediately got more followers than the NSA. Which raises an interesting question: Who’s following the NSA on Twitter?
This Date In History: 1919; President Woodrow Wilson suffered a stroke, which left him partially paralyzed. 1944; The two-month-long Warsaw Uprising was squelched by Nazi troops battling the Polish underground.
1950; The "Peanuts" comic strip, by Charles M. Schultz, first appeared in newspapers. 1958; Guinea proclaimed its independence from France.
1967; Thurgood Marshall was sworn in as the first black associate justice of the U.S. Supreme Court. 1998; Gene Autry, the singing cowboy and former owner of the Anaheim Angels baseball team, died at age 91.
Picture Of The Day: The Santa Fe River in Florida.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Funny....I don't remember being absent-minded. 2) Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. 3) One day in the scary movie when the victim whispers, "Hello?", I want to see the killer shout out, "Hey! I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?" 4) It appears that someone has invited a lot of old people to my high school reunion. 5) A six year old boy was recently kicked out of school and suspended for kissing a girl. I glad all these laws are being passed now. When I was six years old, I was not a licensed physician, so I would have been doing hard time by the fourth grade.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 2nd: Putty may be an important object for you today, as will a ball of string and a small ball-peen hammer. Drinking alcohol may help, as well. Try to wear the underwear with the really strong elastic if you go out tonight.
Birthdays: Nat Turner, civil rights leader 1800, Mohandas Gandhi, Indian political and spiritual leader 1869, Wallace Stevens, poet 1879, Groucho Marx, comedian 1890, Graham Greene, novelist and playwright 1904, Donna Karan, fashion designer 1948, Sting, musician 1951.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.
She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. She said, "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" He replied, "Morris Feinberg,"
The reporter asked, "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" Old Morris said, "For about 60 years." She said,"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
The old man said, "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man." The reporter was amazed.
Old Morris continued, "I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests. Finally, I pray that everyone will be happy".
The reporter asked, "And how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" Morris replied, "Like I'm talking to a f*cking wall.....!"
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered that question!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude." George replied, "Harriet, she's a prostitute." Harriet said, "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?" George said, "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for "Bambi" to come to room 1217. George said, "Now, you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
George asked, "How much do you charge?" Bambi said, "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. He said, "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must be a real hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." George said, "Well, I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war. He says, "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force."
He continued, "I remember, one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these two fokkers appeared. I looked up, and right above me was one of them and I shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."
At this moment, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh.
The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company" The pilot says, "That's true, but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidt's."
That's it for today, my little parakeets. Remember, you can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !