Wednesday, October 14, 2015
That Is The Question
Life is a series of unanswered questions. For example, how does a shepherd count his sheep without falling asleep? Is it legal for your parrot to testify against you in court? Do Nancy Pelosi and Debbie Wasserman Schultz really fly brooms?
It makes me wonder about things I've heard. Does your chewing gum really lose its flavor on the bedpost over night? Did Brylcreem possibly lie to us years ago when they said a little dab will do you? What do people in China call their good plates?
Sometimes I lie in bed at night and wonder, if I happen to crack corn and no one cares, then why is there a song about me? What are those heads about on Easter Island? If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make the sound? Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies?
It's not always politics, the economy or being politically correct that piques my mind. Sometimes more pressing questions surface and leave you wondering. Do married people live longer than single ones or does it just seem longer? Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets and what would Geronimo have shouted if he ever jumped from an airplane?
Yes, my little peanut butter cups, sometimes we're just left wondering if fat people go skinny dipping or do they just chunky dunk?
The News As I See It: Last night was the first Democratic debate on CNN, and they actually had an extra podium ready in case Joe Biden decided he'd join the race. At the end if the night, the empty podium pulled ahead of Martin O'Malley.
Bernie Sanders' campaign advisers said they wanted him to tone down his yelling at tonight's debate. I knew he was yelling too much because I had to keep turning the volume up to hear the commercials.
CNN has been running a countdown clock to this debate for days now. They got a huge audience for the Republican debate because of Donald Trump but this one doesn't have a Donald Trump. This one has Bernie Sanders who looked like he was on the verge of being alive.
The Mets and Dodgers playoff game three was exciting, but the big story was when Dodgers player Chase Utley slid into second base and injured Rubén Tejada from the Mets. My girlfriend said it's still not the clumsiest attempt to get to second base.
On Columbus Day in honor of Christopher Columbus, I went to a grocery store and got lost looking for spices.
North Korea held a military parade celebrating the 70th anniversary of their communist party. People who attended the parade called it "amazing" and "mandatory."
This Date In History: 1066; The Normans, under William the Conqueror, defeated the English at the Battle of Hastings. 1933; Nazi Germany withdrew from the Geneva disarmament conference and the League of Nations.
1947; U.S. Air Force Captain Charles "Chuck" Yeager became the first person to travel faster than the speed of sound. 1964; Martin Luther King, Jr., was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his work in civil rights.
1968; The first live telecast from a staffed U.S. spacecraft was transmitted from Apollo 7. 1990; Composer-conductor Leonard Bernstein died in New York at age 72.
Picture Of The Day: Today's pictures are purposely smaller so that they can be clicked to be seen larger. Try it, you'll like it
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My ex-wife always made sure to include something every day from the four basic food groups: canned, frozen, fast and takeout. 2) I once saw six men beating up my ex-mother-in-law. My neighbor said, "Are you going to help?" I said, "No, six should be enough." 3) So, after my sleepover with the girl with the hairy legs, I caught a disease from kissing her pet bird. It's call Chirpes. It's a canareal disease, but it's tweetable.
4) I once visited the Central Park Zoo in New York City and they displayed the name of the animal with it's Latin name underneath. Where I come from, they have the name of the animal and a recipe underneath. 5) I tried out one of those Tempur-Pedic mattresses. The salesgirl asked me if I had ever slept on one before and I said yes. She asked me what my sleep position was and I said, "Normally, it's missionary.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 14th: Don't be discouraged with recent politics and speeches. There's more important things to worry about this weekend, if you know what I mean. Buy those shoes you were thinking about. While you're at it, buy some odor eaters for the shoes, as well, there have been too many dogs following you around. Chance of romance is 65 percent provided you buy those odor eaters. If not, plan on renting a movie.
Birthdays: James II, king of England, Scotland and Ireland 1633, William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania 1644, Elwood Haynes, inventor 1857, Dwight D. Eisenhower, American general and 34th President of the United States 1890, Lillian Gish, actress 1893, e. e. cummings, poet 1894, William Edwards Deming, management consultant 1900, Hannah Arendt, political theorist, 1906, Roger Moore, actor 1927, Ralph Lauren, fashion designer 1939.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. After getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!" Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.
Again from the above, the voice bellowed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!" The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!!." She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice Skating Rink Manager...."
Two women were gossiping at bus stop and one woman says to the other, "You know, Martha's husband drinks a six pack of beer every Sunday while he's watching football. I think he's got a "problem."
A drunk sitting on the bus bench next to them, turns and says, "Hey lady, drinking a six pack of beer on a Sunday afternoon is not a problem. A problem is waking up naked chained to a goat."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and Daddy....."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat and then Daddy....."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing and laying down on the seat.
Then Little Johnny says, ".....then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
A preacher was giving his usual Sunday sermon when a young woman in the balcony, taken up by the moment, slipped and fell over the rail. Fortunately, she managed to grasp the railing with one hand and dangerously dangled there. Unfortunately, the mini skirt she was wearing rode up to her waist, entirely exposing the front of her young body.
The preacher, heavily involved in the final throes of his sermon, saw the young woman with everything exposed, dangling by one hand. He was concerned and worried that the spectacle not only might effect his sermon, but also the money that the church would make when they passed the collection plates.
The preacher quickly motioned to his deacon to go up and rescue the girl and nervously hurried to finish his sermon and start the collections. He saw that some of the males in the congregation had noticed the commotion and were feasting their eyes on the spectacle.
Fearful that this would ruin everything, he exclaimed, "We have a minor emergency which shall be rectified shortly. Sister Jones has slipped from the balcony and his hanging there by one hand. Her private parts are exposed and if any member of the congregation turns around to look at poor sister Jones, The lord will make them go blind."
An old man in the front pew of the church stood up, put his hand over his left eye and exclaimed, "I'm gonna take a chance on one eye!"
That's it for today, my little catbirds. Remember, The Law of Probable Dispersal states that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !