Friday, October 16, 2015
Does A Teenager Drink In The Woods?
When I was a teenager, I would go into the woods and drink beer, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But I ran into a bear. So, there I was, raising my right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. Smokey is intense in person!
In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. That's a better system and I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!"
As most of you know, I'm a singer, musician,and songwriter. I've written several songs over the years, but there are a few actual song titles that help me understand why it's illegal to marry your cousin. One of my favorites is "I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling." Now, there's a dilema, huh"
Country music singer and writer Jerry Reed of "Smokey And The Bandit " fame wrote, "She Got The Gold Mine, I Got The Shaft". I'll bet there's quite a few of us out there who can identify with that one! Although I haven't heard it, I'm told that Dolly Parton wrote, "You're The Reason Our Children Are Ugly".
Singer Ray Stevens has come up with quite a few songs that did quite well. Who can forget, "Ahab The Arab"? And then there were just silly songs that caught on like, "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It's Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?" and "Tie Me Kangaroo Down".
"One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater" hit the top of the hit parade way back when. along with songs like "Love Potion Number Nine" and "Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah".
In 1966, Jerry Samuels had a brief hit with "They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!" and I personally knew several people that the song was written for.
Yep, those were entertaining back in the day and one of the best songs I ever wrote never became a hit because someone wrote a song with a similar (yet trite) title. My song was entitled, "I'm In The Nude For Love" but it only sold 39 copies.....
The News As I See It: Now that the dust has settled from the Democratic debate, it looks like Hillary Clinton is going to remain the Democratic front-runner. On the Republican side, Donald Trump is still in the lead. Now Trump is saying that he should be given Secret Service protection. His current security is having Gary Busey follow him around with nunchucks.
A study found that one of the most popular searches during the debate was, "Is Bernie Sanders Jewish?" The most popular response on Google was, Really? Come on."
Analysts are saying that Joe Biden was actually the biggest loser in the debate, and that he missed his chance to enter the race. They said entering now would be awkward and inappropriate or as Biden put it, "Those are my two middle names! I’m in!"
Starbucks is adding a new feature to their drive-through locations, video screens. That way you can see the person misspell your name on the cup while it's happening. Video screens will be added to 2,400 Starbucks which I think is how many I have within two square miles of my home
This Date In History: 1793; French queen Marie Antoinette was guillotined for treason. 1859; Abolitionist John Brown and his men captured the U.S. arsenal at Harper's Ferry. 1916; Margaret Sanger opened the first birth-control clinic in New York City. 1962 The Cuban Missile Crisis began.
1964; China detonated its first atomic bomb. 1978; John Paul II was elected pope. 1995; Hundreds of thousands of black men gathered in Washington for the "Million Man March" led by Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan.
2001; Twelve Senate offices were closed when a letter to Sen. Tom Daschle was found to contain anthrax. 2002; The White House announced that North Korea had disclosed the existence of a secret nuclear weapons program.
Picture Of The Day: The House of Representatives seems to be having problems electing a new Speaker of the House, so my selection is Alfred E. Newman. He couldn't be any worse than his predecessors.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Veni, vidi, visa. I came, I saw. I did a little shopping. 2) My girlfriend works at Hooters.....in the kitchen. 3) Next Friday is "Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day." 4) When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere. 5) I don't even care if you're a master carpenter, you never realize how big 9 centimeters really is until you've observed your wife giving birth.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - Friday October 16th: The weather looks good for a fine day assuming that you always keep an umbrella with you. Don't laugh, it worked for Mary Poppins. If you're going to happy hour, stay away from the bean dip. Chance of romance is 56 percent unless it rains. Romantically, that's where the umbrella comes in handy.
Birthdays: Noah Webster, American lexicographer and philologist 1758, Oscar Wilde, author 1854, David Ben-Gurion, statesman 1886, Eugene O'Neill, playwright 1888, Michael Collins, revolutionary leader 1890, Paul Strand photographer 1890, William O. Douglas, jurist 1898, Angela Lansbury, actor 1925, Suzanne Somers, actor 1946, Tim Robbins, actor 1958, John Mayer songer, songwriter 1977.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My darring, I know dis u firs time and you frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting, jus anyting you want. Whatchu want?"
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want...numba 69"
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks, "You wanna Kung pao chicken wif broccori?"
A man is waiting in line at the bus station. He finally makes his way to the attendant and notices she is well endowed and certainly showing it. He avoids looking at her breasts and promptly states "I'd like a picket to Titsburgh."
Realizing his mistake, he turned red with embarrassment. After purchasing a ticket to Pittsburgh he sits and waits for his bus.
Shortly after sitting down a man walks up to him and says "Don't worry about that, it's called a 'Freudian Slip' and it happens all the time. Like the other day I was sitting with my wife at dinner and I meant to say 'pass me the salt please' but I accidentally said 'you've ruined my life you horrible bitch."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: On a hot, dusty day, a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine.
An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing and asked, "Whudd'ya do that fer?" The cowboy said, "Got chapped lips." The old man asked, "Does that help?" The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
A sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "Skipper, a special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here." The captain ordered, "Read it to me!"
The sailor began reading nervously, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy."
The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"
Little Johnny and Jacky are talking to each other. Jacky says, "What does your dad do for a living?" Little Johnny says, "He is a lawyer." Jacky says, "Honest?" Little Johnny relies, "No, just a regular lawyer."
That's it for today, my little billy goats. Remember, sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a fantastic weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !