Friday, October 23, 2015

Lookin' Good

Women go through quite a bit to look good. Most men want to look good as well, but there aren't many willing to go through arduous preparations. While a woman is never satisfied with her look, most men are content with "close enough".

It begins simple enough. Both sexes shower and shave, but that's when things become complicated. The next step for a man is to comb his hair, splash on some cologne and get dressed.

A woman, on the other hand begins the transformation from moth to butterfly. A timely task indeed. The man, well aware of the transformation time frame, turns on the television and waits.

The dressing process begins with the woman searching through a usually ample wardrobe only to come to the conclusion that she has "nothing to wear". This usually an omen of future shopping sprees.

Shoes are usually the most difficult decision for women, although they normally have a plethora of choices. They usually pick the pair the hurt the most, but look great.

Man's choices are easier. Black, brown, khaki pants or jeans combined with a choice of 7-10 shirts. Black, brown shoes or sneakers. Alas, some men opt for shorts, a pullover and sneakers.

Yep, I love the way women transform themselves, but I'm happy with my limited choices. After all, there's only so much than a man can do to keep a '53 Chevy looking good......

The News As I See It: After a lot of speculation, Vice President Joe Biden announced that he is not running for president of the United States. He made the announcement from the Rose Garden at the White House. It's weird to hold a press conference to say you're not doing something. It's like announcing to your girlfriend that you won't be proposing.

Yep, Biden announced he is not running for president and, as promised, Hillary Clinton immediately released his dog. Bernie Sanders praised Joe Biden’s decision not to run. Sanders said, "There’s only room for one goofy old dude."

The University of Louisville is being accused of luring basketball recruits to the school with strippers and prostitutes. To be fair, college ball is supposed to prepare them for life in the NBA.

This Date In History: 1915; 25,000 women marched in New York City, demanding the right to vote. 1946; The United Nations General Assembly convened in New York for the first time.

1973; President Richard Nixon agreed to turn White House tape recordings requested by the Watergate special prosecutor over to Judge John J. Sirica. 1983; A suicide truck-bombing at Beirut International airport in Lebanon killed 241 U.S. Marines and sailors.

2002; Chechen rebels seized a crowded Moscow theater, taking hundreds hostage. Russian forces stormed the building the next day. 2003 Madame Chiang Kai-shek died at age 105.

Picture Of The Day: And the beat goes on.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Hide and go pee is one of the favorite games at the AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill. 2) I shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section. 3) Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 4) Negligent (adj.), is a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.  5) Every time I walk into AREA 51 for happy hour, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 23rd: The road to success will be free of traffic today, assuming you remembered your drivers license and proof of insurance. Don't stray into unfamiliar waters unless you are wearing a life vest. Chances of romance are 42 percent, but you may get lucky anyway. Did you know that 42 percent of statistics are made up on the spot?

Birthdays: Adlai Ewing Stevenson, Vice President 1835, John Heisman,  football coach 1869, William D. Coolidge, inventor 1873, Gertrude Ederle, swimmer 1905, Johnny Carson, entertainer 1925, PelĂ©, Brazilian soccer player 1940, Michael Crichton, novelist 1942, Ang Lee, director, writer 1954, Dwight Yoakam, singer and actor 1956, Sam Raimi ,filmmaker 1959, Ryan Reynolds, actor 1976.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring.

As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That's the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse."

The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."

A group of nuns are lined up to confess to the priest. The first nun says, "Father, I have sinned. I looked at a man naked." The priest says, "Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Marys."

The next nun comes up and says, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner." The priest says, "Was your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys."

The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when is a clamoring from the back of the church. Another nun comes running in yelling, "Wait!"

The priest says, "What’s wrong?!" The nun replies, "I need to gargle the holy water before Sister Nancy sticks her ass in it."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless.

The King exclaimed, "This is no good, Merlin! Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"

Merlin said, "Ah, sire, just observe." He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

King Arthur said, "Merlin, you are a genius! Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal "short arm" inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, everyone of them except, Sir Galahad.

King Arthur said, "Sir Galahad, you are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever it is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours." But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless……..

An attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

The nurse said, "No, I'm sorry, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." The attorney began complaining and insulting the nurse, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out! He continues cursing at the nurse as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room and says "What's going on here?" The attorney snottily answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

That's it for today, my little jitterbugs. Remember, there's no fool like an old fool, but the young ones are coming right along. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

An opening, good and true! Good entry. I now know a carnation is good for other than identifying pall bearers!
Thanks for the entertainment.

From the upper end of the Turnpike!

Senorita said...

Looking good, Jimmy ! Nice picture ! I am sure you funded many a shopping spree in your day and wrote bad checks if ya get my drift !

I hope you had a good sandwich at Area 51, and I am not referring to the edible type !