Jeff Gordon Fires Pit Crew?

In NASCAR, Jeff Gordon announced yesterday that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Detroit youths.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Detroit were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 8 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 12 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for.

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 8 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

The News As I See It: The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. The world leader with the funny name, who grew up in Asia, said he enjoyed meeting President Hu. President Obozo wore a traditional Chinese-made garment: a pair of Nikes. Hu’s advance team came a week earlier to make sure that wherever he’s staying has no Chinese drywall.

Dick Cheney says he may need a heart transplant. The doctors discovered the problem during Cheney’s annual autopsy. On the other hand, George W. Bush is still waiting on his brain transplant.

The Feds arrested 127 mobsters in three states. Of all of those men, four of them were not named Vinnie. The prosecutors say that the highest-level mobster arrested is known as "The Old Man." They call him that because he makes an offer he can’t remember.

This Date In History: 1793; King Louis XVI was guillotined for treason. 1915;
The first Kiwanis Club was founded in Detroit. 1924 Vladimir Ilyich Lenin died in Moscow. 1950; George Orwell died in London. 1950; Former State department official Alger Hiss found guilty of perjury.

1954; USS Nautilus, the first nuclear-powered submarine was launched. 1977; President Carter pardoned most Vietnam War draft evaders. 2003; The U.S. Census Bureau reported that Hispanics had surpassed Blacks as the largest minority group.

Picture Of The Day: Dolly Parton turned 65 this week and her doctors have given her a clean bill of health. She looks pretty healthy to me ~

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The reason there is no Disneyland in China is that no one's tall enough to go on the good rides. 2) I wonder what people in China call their good plates? 3) A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it. 4) Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 5) One in five people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or it could be my younger brother Kirt. Or, it could be my sister Sun-Lee-Chu. But I think it's Kirt.......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - January 21: Cups of coffee will start to rack up around your desk today as you try to get everything done under the heavy influence of a bucket of caffeine. You may start to question evolution today, and upon doing so you'll hopefully encounter a reason for your deserving the Darwin award. Lunchtime is the best time of day for you today. Avoid low-level lighting this week, and any power lines that you might have to pass under on the way to work. Dead clowns will try to follow you home.

Birthdays: My pal Vivian. Happy Birthday girl 19XX, Ethan Allen, soldier 1738, John C. Fremont, explorer, soldier, and political leader 1813, Stonewall Jackson (Thomas Jonathan Jackson), American Confederate General 1824, Sophia Jex-Blake, physician 1840, Christian Dior, fashion designer 1905, Telly Savalas, actor 1924, Jack Nicklaus, golfer 1940, Placido Domingo, tenor 1941, Geena Davis, actress 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so.

The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. The 5-year-old said, "Hit him again. He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. The little girl asked, "What are they doing, Grandma?" he grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his front paw and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

The little girl said, "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" Her Grandma said, "How do you mean?" The little girl said, "Offer someone a helping hand and they screw you every time!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett for his contribution to today's stories.

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. She said, "Look, I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!" Then he got a little panicky. He thought, "I don't remember her but maybe, during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!"

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?" She said with a horrified look, "No, I'm your son's second grade teacher."

A little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my Grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

That's it for today my little cupcakes. Remember, "Always" and "never" are two words you should always remember never to use. What? I think I'm going to the Karaoke show tonight in AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !