Monday, November 30, 2009

Looks Like She's Got A Tiger By The Tail

Another one of life's pieces of shit assassinated four innocent Lakewood, Washington Police officers as they sat working on their laptops in a coffee shop. One of those officers fought with the gunman and may have wounded him before the officer died just outside the doorway.

Police are searching for 37 year old Maurice Clemmons, a "person of interest" with an extensive criminal past and whose 95-year prison sentence was commuted in Arkansas by then-governor Mike Huckabee nearly a decade ago. Hopefully, with a little bit of luck, they'll kill the son-of-a-bitch before he gets to court!

The News As I See It: Tiger Woods' injuries in his Friday 2:00 am car crash were caused by his wife, not the accident, according to Woods' wife confronted him about reports that he was seeing another woman. According to reports, things got heated up and Wood's face was scratched by his wife.

Wood's beat a hasty retreated followed by his wife who was wielding a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club. Woods became "distracted," thought the vehicle was stopped, and looked to see what had happened. At that point the SUV hit the fire hydrant and then hit a tree. Funny, in golf, I always thought that making a hole-in-one was pretty good feat, but evidently not when it belongs to another woman.

Tareq and Michaele Salahi, the celebrity wannabees who crashed the Whitehouse gala for Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on Tuesday, may (and should) face criminal charges for their actions. Now asking six-figure dollars for interviews, their actions are not funny and could have been catastrophic should they have been part of a conspiracy to assassinate President Obama.

Tareq Salahi is the son of a Muslim born in Palestine, just like the Fort Hood Shooter, Major Nidal Hasan. Salahi is a board member of the American Task Force on Palestine (ATFP), a pro-Palestine lobby demanding the "right of return" for all Palestinian refugees and their descendants. Since the party crashing incident, ATFP has removed Tareq Salahi from its website's board of directors page.

This is just another good reason for America to quit worrying about being politically correct and profile any and all persons deemed to be a threat to America and its' citizens!

And finally, after watching the news video of habitual war protester Cindy Sheehan in California this weekend, I have a come to the conclusion that she is a complete asshole.

This Date In History: 1804; Supreme Court Justice Samuel Chase was tried for political bias. 1900; Irish author Oscar Wilde died in Paris at age 46. 1940; Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz were married. 1966; Barbados became independent of Great Britain.

1974; The fossilized remains of a female human ancestor named Lucy (after the Beatles song Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds) were found in Ethiopia. 1993; The Brady Bill, requiring a five-day waiting period for handgun purchases, is signed.

1995; President Bill Clinton became the first U.S. president to visit Northern Ireland. 2004; Ken Jennings ended his 74-game winning spree on the game show, Jeopardy!

Picture Of The Day: You know you're wildly successful and popular when the photoshop gang has your pictures floating all over the Internet less than an hour after you screw up. Tiger Woods' latest incident has the media drooling at the mouth and I have to admit that it strikes me quite funny as well.

I don't know about women, but there's not a man walking among us that has not had some sort of incident or mishap after a tiff with a woman. I don't think it's as big of a deal as the media is paints it, but when you're Tiger Woods, even a bowel movement is news. The only unfortunate thing about gossip is that it sometimes overshadows more important and newsworthy occurrences.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. 2) One of the good things about experience is that it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 3) Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 4) I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and the ice really chilled the mood. 5) The one thing that White and Black people know, but Spanish people don't, is that chicken is food, not a roommate.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Jonathan Swift author 1667, Mark Twain writer, social observer 1835, Winston Churchill, British Statesman, Soldier, and Author 1874, L. M. Montgomery novelist 1874, Gordon Parks photographer, filmmaker, writer 1912, Shirley Chisholm congresswoman 1924, Dick Clark TV personality 1929, Ridley Scott filmmaker 1937, David Mamet playwright 1947, Ben Stiller actor, director, comic 1965, Elisha Cuthbert actor 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

I think the death panels are back. My grandma needed a mobility scooter, and Medicare offered her an electric chair.

The state dinner at the White House honored the prime minister of India, and the menu was vegetarian. How do you like that for Thanksgiving? No turkey, wrong Indians.

Stop screwing with old people! Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label and the top is now the bottom. By the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter and hires a caterer, a band, and a clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time, but the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself.

She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I don't know. Let me ask him. "Hey Willie! Would you chop off another toe for $50?"

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100, she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.

The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. He pleads, "Go get help." She says, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that shoe and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" A drunk sitting nearby looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied, "I think it's too late, lady, he's too far in."

That's it for today my little kiddie cats. Remember, If your wondering how to tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine, it's the one with bite marks on the cap! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, November 27, 2009

A Fine Thanksgiving Day Dinner And Then There's The Weekend !

It was a fine Thanksgiving Day for me as I was the guest of two of my favorite people, Hector and Lourdes. One of the things I enjoy is the variety of dishes that are served with dinner. It is also very interesting to see the diversity of these dishes as they are affected by one's background and customs.

Lourdes had already prepared many different snacks and finger food for those whose appetites were already clamoring for something to nibble on. My youthful experiences of filling up on too much bread, salads and finger foods reminded me to eschew the snacks and save that space for dinner. My pal, Hector broke open a bottle of Dewars 12 year scotch, which we sipped outside at his poolside bar.

It was a beautiful and tasty dinner indeed with turkey (the guest of honor), arroz con frijoles negro (white rice and black beans), a candied yam souffle, and many other side dishes. The evening desert was hot apple pie and ice cream. Additionally, the traditional sweet taste of turrones is one of my favorites and is almost always at every dinner party or celebration.

My sincere thanks to Hector and Lourdes for a very nice Thanksgiving Day and dinner.

The News As I See It: Black Friday is definitely not a day for the likes of me. Don't get me wrong, I like shopping, but I don't get up early for anything except fishing or taking a pee. I especially abhor large crowds of unruly dimwits who have camped outside of stores for many hours and smell like the north end of a south bound mule. Savings on the purchases of new, top of the line electronics notwithstanding, I'll gladly wait another five or six months down the line and prices will probably drop anyway.

California Vinters in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Griglo wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.

For those of you who follow Possum's Journal, he made an entry yesterday and, of course, he made a few remarks about me. You can read his post by cicking this link. Possum's Journal

This Date In History: 1852; Lord Byron's daughter Ada died. She had assisted Charles Babbage with his "analytical engine" and is credited with inventing computer language. 1895; Alfred Nobel signed his last will, which established the Nobel Prize. More than a century later, Nobel would roll over in his grave when he learned who had been awarded the 2009 peace prize.

1910; New York's Pennsylvania Station opened. 1953; Playwright Eugene O'Neill died in Boston at age 65. 1970; Pope Paul VI was attacked at the Manila airport by a Bolivian painter disguised as a priest. 1973; Gerald R. Ford was confirmed by the Senate to become vice president, succeeding Spiro T. Agnew. 2003; President Bush secretly flew to Iraq to spend Thanksgiving with the troops.

Picture Of The Day: It was only a matter of time before the photoshop folks took cracks at President Obie's tendency to bow to foreign dignitaries. I took some of the best ones to show you today.

Additionally, yesterday was Tina Turner's 70th birthday and she looks great and is still going strong. Finally, the featured picture is a reflection of my mood and intentions for this Thanksgiving Day weekend.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's about time I cleared up this mystery. I shot the deputy, but I did not shoot the sheriff. 2) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 3) Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant. 4) Pedro, a musician friend of mine, never was much of a success playing the flamenco tuba. 5) I finally bought a device for removing shrink-wrap from CDs. It slices right through it, but I can't get it out of the package.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Anders Celsius, astronomer 1701, Charles A. Beard, historian 1874, Chaim Weizmann, scientist and Zionist leader 1874, James Agee, writer 1909, Alexander Dubček, statesman 1921, Alexander Haig, American General, Secretary of State 1924, Jimi Hendrix, rock musician, guitarist 1942, Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg, writer 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet any minute now, some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Since retailers begin hawking their wares for Christmas the day after Thanksgiving, it's only fitting that I give you the first Christmas joke of the season. My thanks to my pal, Garnett, for his contribution to today's stories.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on and said "It represents a candle." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates"

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols."

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off and said, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30. My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." The teacher said, "Very good, Sally." said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next and said, "I sold magazines. I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." The teacher said, "That's great, Jenny!"

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk and said, "$2,467!" The teacher exclaimed, "2,467? What in the world were you selling?" Little Johnny said, "Toothbrushes."

The teacher said, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" Little Johnny said, "I found the busiest corner in town. Then, I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a sample."

"They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like shit!'" Then I said, 'It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?'"

That's it for today my little candied yams. Remember, families and friends are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts. It's Friday and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and give thanks for some extended Thanksgiving frolic. Giddyup!

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Have A Happy Thanksgiving !

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day and it is a day to spend with family and friends. I am fortunate to have a healthy family and many good friends. For this I give thanks and my sincere wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving to all of my family, friends and readers.

The News As I See It: President Obie is hosted a state dinner for the prime minister of India. The menu included curry, chutney, and other Indian foods. To make everyone else feel welcome, the dessert was Tums, Mylanta, and Imodium AD. Obie spent two hours in private talks with the prime minister of India and explained his willingness to work on trade issues. The Indian prime minister explained how to block Internet pop-ups.

Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu (D), who had previously stated that she was not in favor of government run heath care, voted to pass the Healthcare Cloture for debate. Page 432 of the health care bill confirmed this in the form of 300 million dollars in special medicaid subsidies for low income families, which was given only to the state of Louisiana and not to any other state. Talk about the Louisiana Purchase, we now know the price Senator Landrieu charged Harry Reid for prostitution. I wonder how much her ass will cost for the final vote.

White House and Senate Democrats are working on a new jobs bill. The White House says this new jobs bill could create twice as many non-existent fake new jobs as the last one.

Jimmy's Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe: Here is a turkey recipe that also includes a small amount of popcorn in the stuffing. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when the turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

Roasted Stuffed Turkey
1 6-8 lb baking turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher low fat)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper and roast for four hours, basting frequently. Remove turkey, fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn and place back in oven with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open, it's done.

This Date In History: 1758; The British captured Fort Duquesne (Pittsburgh) in the French and Indian Wars. 1783; The British evacuated New York City, their last military position, after the Revolutionary War. 1841; The slaves who seized the Amistad in 1839 were freed by the Supreme Court. They had been defended by former president John Quincy Adams.

1947; Movie executives blacklisted the "Hollywood Ten." 1986; Iran-Contra scandal broke. 1998; Jiang Zemin became the first Chinese head of state to visit Japan since World War II. 1999; Elian Gonzalez was rescued off the coast of Florida. 2002; President George W. Bush signed into law the Department of Homeland Security and named Tom Ridge as head.

Picture Of The Day: You might think that finding Thanksgiving Day pictures would be relatively east around this time of year, but I really had to do some searching to find today's pictures. I hope you enjoy them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Now’s the time to call all your family and apologize to them in advance for all the things you’re going to say to them when you get drunk. 2) Fiddlesticks is a word used to describe what happens when your fiddle gets stuck. 3) Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. 4) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 5) Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Andrew Carnegie industrialist and philanthropist 1835, Carry Moore Nation temperance advocate 1846, Pope John XXIII religious leader 1881, Joseph DiMaggio 1914, American Baseball Player Ricardo Montalban actor 1920, John Larroquette actor 1947, John F. Kennedy, Jr. publisher, lawyer 1960, Amy Grant pop musician 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?" The second old man replied, "I think she is dead!" The first old man said, "What do you mean you think she's dead?" The second old man says, "Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

(Now that's funny, I don't care what you say!)

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A father in Dallas calls his son in New York just before Thanksgiving and tells him, "I am sorry to tell you but your mother and I are going to divorce. I just cannot take any more of her moaning. We can't stand the sight of each other any more. I am telling you first because you are the eldest. Please tell your sister."

When the son called his sister, she says, "No way are they getting divorced, I will go over and see them for Thanksgiving." She phones her parents and tells them both, "You must not get divorced. Promise you won't do anything until I get over there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there with you tomorrow. Until then, please don't take any action." Then, she hangs up.

The father puts down the phone and turns to his wife and says. "Good news! The kids are coming for Thanksgiving and they are both paying their own way."

A woman named Martha had a parrot called Brutus who loved to talk. The only problem was that Brutus cursed something awful. One day, Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving, and so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear.

Just before her Mother-in-law was due, Brutus started cursing terribly. So Martha put him in the refrigerator for 2 minutes to literally cool off. She took the turkey out of the oven and put it on the kitchen counter to prepare it for serving. Then, she opened the refrigerator door and took out the parrot.

The incensed parrot was preparing to curse the Martha again for the refrigerator trick when he looked over and saw the turkey on the counter. He immediately became very quiet and said to the Martha, "If I offended you in any way I am truly sorry. I assure you, this type of outburst will never happen again."

Martha said, "And have you learned your lesson about cursing?" Brutus said, "I surely have. I just have one question. What did the turkey do?"

That's it for today my little drumsticks. Remember, laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and I'm celebrating Thanksgiving with my pals, Hector and Lourdes. Have a great Thanksgiving and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, November 23, 2009

After My Weekend, A Mundane Monday Is Quite Welcome !

It was one hell of a weekend and one of the rare times that I am looking forward to a mundane Monday. Between AREA 51, the football games and the Nascar Sprint Cup Championship, my get up and go, got up and left sometime Sunday evening. I can't tell you exactly what time this occurred but the last thing I remember was watching the Sunday night football game in my recliner.

I came out of my coma sometime early this morning to the irritating sound of an infomercial with some idiot trying to sell some kind of ridiculous "ergonomic" plastic seat. People who actually believe and buy this garbage deserve exactly what they get. I frantically searched the nooks and crannys of my recliner to find the remote and changed the channel, only to make the switch to a Billy Mays commercial for that stupid car speaker thing for cell phones. Elvis sightings notwithstanding, Billy Mays has the rising from the grave thing down pat......

Even though I had slept in my recliner, I felt rather refreshed and once I got the taste of those infomercials out of my mouth, I decided that I walk down to the lake close to where I live and watch the sunrise. With amazing morning clarity, I remembered that the new memory disc for my new digital camera had arrived on Saturday, so I decided that I'd open the plastic package, install it in the camera and take pictures of the sunrise.

The arrival of the larger memory disc coincided with my ongoing education of how to operate the damned camera. I have progressed past only being able to turn the camera on and I now know how to take a picture and then download it into my computer. Of course, it does a lot more than that and occasionally, it just decides to take pictures by itself. I have resolved that problem by turning it off every time it gets cocky. It's a learning process.

The one thing I didn't take into consideration was getting the memory chip out of the plastic. There were several possible little seams that I thought would be the key to removing the chip from the plastic, but with no results. After using most of the profanity that I usually reserve for driving in bumper to bumper traffic on the expressway, I finally took a long serrated kitchen knife and sawed the damned thing open.

After applying two or three band-aids to my fingers and wiping up most of the blood, I installed the new chip into the camera. By that time the sun had been up for about 45 minutes, so I walked outside my residence and took photographs of a dog taking a morning dump in the swale area next to the street. I have come to the conclusion that the manufacturers who package products in plastic so thick that scissors won't even dent it should receive all the monies they earn in the same damned plastic packaging. This way, when they try to get their money out, they can suffer just like the rest of us.....

The News As I See It: President Obie, in a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition, is scheduled to pardon the White House turkey this coming Wednesday. In an interview, Joe Biden said, "I didn't even know I did anything wrong." Sarah Palin launched her book tour this week with a stop in Michigan, where more than 1,000 people waited to meet her. Or, as Fox News reported it, half a million people."

Kelloggs announced there will be a severe shortage of Eggo Frozen Waffles until next summer because of a flood at one of their factories. A spokesman for the company said, "Sorry, but for the time being, you’re just gonna have to Leggo." Joe Biden recently celebrated his 67th birthday. Biden didn't blow out the candles on his birthday cake, he just talked until the candles decide to put themselves out.

President Obie said he "probably won't" read Sarah Palin's new book, because she'll sell enough copies without him. Former President Dubya said he "probably won't" read Sarah Palin's book because . . . it's a book.

And finally, economists say that U.S. and world economy has drastically effected many African nations. A large number of Somalia pirates have been laid off due to improved weaponry on ships at sea which has forced the pirates to return to their old, less lucrative jobs, of plundering and looting. Many Nigerian scammers can no longer afford electricity in their shacks and are being forced to go to the local libraries to email their scam letters to America.

This Date In History: 1889; The first jukebox was installed at the Palais Royal Saloon in San Francisco. 1936; First issue of Life magazine hit the newsstands. The cover photograph, by Margaret Bourke-White, featured the Fort Peck Dam. 1945; U.S. wartime food rationing, of meat, butter, and other foods, ended. 1971; People's Republic of China was seated at the UN Security Council. 2003;
Eduard Shevardnadze resigned as president of Georgia.

Picture Of The Day: Aesop's got nothing on me today as fables and fairy tales are the theme of the day. Of course, my warped mind forces me to alter these tales and fables a bit to bring them more current with life today as we know it.

Let's see how many of these pictures you can associate with the fables and fairy tales of childhood. I'll give you a hint on one of the pictures. "Hey Diddle Diddle....."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The economy is getting really bad. The other day the bank returned one of my checks marked "Insufficient Funds." I called them and asked if they meant me or them. 2) A friend of mine was telling me that he came from a perfectly normal family. I asked him if his parents had 2.5 children. 3) Have you have heard of that famous chicken rancher, Buck Buck Buckaw? 4) Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. 5) I made a list of things to do, and then I checked them off as I didn't do them.....and that's five !

Birthdays: John Wallis, mathematician 1616, Franklin Pierce, 14th President of the United States 1804, William H. Bonney, outlaw A.K.A. Billie The Kid 1859, Manuel de Falla, composer 1876, Boris Karloff, actor 1887, Miley Cyrus, actress 1992.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A 70 year old man was fishing in his boat when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up".

The old man picked up the frog. The frog said, "Now, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride. I will make mad passionate love to you every day for hours on end."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus, the driver says "Wow, that is one ugly baby." The woman, deeply hurt, just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks, "What's wrong, you look mad?" She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

The man said, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him. The woman said, "You're right sir! I think I will report him." The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it just died in traffic. After the mechanic works on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. The blonde says, "It sounds great! What's did you do to fix it?" The mechanic replies, "It was nothing, just crap in the carburetor," She asks, "How often do you have to do that?"

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."

That's it for today my little rubber baby buggy bumpers. Remember, hiking in the woods, without bringing food, is no picnic. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, November 20, 2009

It's A Nascar Racing Weekend Here In Miami At Homestead-Miami Speedway

Miami is abuzz this weekend as Nascar comes to Miami for the final races of the season. Homestead-Miami Speedway will be awash with racing fans as Jimmie Johnson attempts to win an unprecedented fourth consecutive Sprint Cup championship. Johnson leads second place Mark Martin by 105 points and can clinch the championship by finishing 25th place or better.

There are many other drivers who could care less about the fate of Johnson and Martin. This is the last race of the season and all of the drivers will be throwing caution to the wind and looking to put their cars in Victory Lane. Dale Earnhardt Jr., Jeff Gordon, Kyle and Kurt Busch, Tony Stewart and the up and coming Miami resident Juan Pablo Montoya all have the necessary talent and speed to win Sunday's race, which will be broadcast on ABC starting at 2:30 pm (EST).

The Nationwide Series championship is all but sewn up as points leader Kyle Busch needs only to start the race to secure the championship. Saturday's race will begin at 4:30 pm (EST) and can be seen on ESPN2. The race weekend kicks off this evening with the Camping World Truck Series race beginning at 7:30 pm (EST) and televised on the Speed Channel.

The News As I See It: Prez Obie took a tour of the Great Wall of China and he said it was "magical." Two years ago, former Prez Georgie "Dubya" Bush stood at the exact same spot and said, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." The Great Wall is 4,000 miles long, and was built to stop foreign invaders. Maybe we can get the Chinese to build us one on the U.S. - Mexico border.

The United States postal service announced last week that they’ve lost $3.8 billion dollars last year. Here's an idea — let's put the government in charge of healthcare. The No. 1 movie at the box office this week is the end-of-the-world action film, "2012." In the movie, California is crumbling, America is in shambles, and people are forced to abandon their homes. It should have been called "2009."

NBC’s Green Week is being celebrated at Rockefeller Center in New York City. What better way to celebrate than by ripping a giant tree out of the ground, covering it with lights, and leaving them on for a month? Somali pirates attacked the same American ship they attacked this summer — but this time the ship drove the pirates off with a high-decibel noise-making device. The specific noise they used to repel the pirates? The "Free Credit Report dot com" song.

And finally, In 1973, Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, "I am not a crook." That's back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician's career. Now it's just part of the job.

This Date In History: 1789; New Jersey became the first state to ratify the Bill of Rights. 1910; Francisco Madero began an armed revolt against the president of Mexico Porfirio Diaz. 1945; The war crimes trials of 24 German World War II leaders began in Nurember, Germany.

1947; The future Queen Elizabeth II married Philip Mountbatten, Duke of Ediburgh. 1962; President John F. Kennedy agreed to lift the American blockade of Cuba, ending the Cuban missile crisis. 1975; Spain's General Francisco Franco died. 2000; Peru's president Alberto Fujimori resigned.

Picture Of The Day: The final race of the Nascar Sprint Cup season is on Sunday and a weekend of championship racing is on tap. Although it looks like Jimmie Johnson is on his way to a fourth championship, my sentimental choice for the race is Mark Martin, a true racing champion. I would also hope to see Dale Earnhardt Jr and Miami resident Juan Pablo Montoya do well in the race. We'll see.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Last winter in Miami was the warmest that I can remember. I don't know if that is a sign of global warming or Old Timer's disease. 2) By the time you're 45 years old, you've spent 15 years asleep, and two years in the left turn lane. 3) An adult is someone who can legally run with scissors, but doesn't have the energy. 4) I know an older couple that are a little rough on each other in bed. Their motto is "Violence is golden." 5) You can say what you want about Oedipus but at least he loved his mother.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My Pal, Tamara, whose birthday is tomorrow. Happy Birthday, my love 19XX, Kenesaw Mountain Landis, jurist and commissioner of baseball 1866, Norman M. Thomas, socialist leader 1884, Edwin Hubble, astronomer 1889, Alexandra Danilova, ballerina, teacher 1903,

Alistair Cooke, journalist, broadcaster 1908, Robert C Byrd, Senator 1917, Nadine Gordimer, writer 1923, Robert F. Kennedy, U.S. Attorney General and senator 1925, Richard Dawson, actor 1932, John Bolton, political figure 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man took his wife to the doctor and was sitting in the waiting room when the doctor came out to see him. He said, "Mr. Goldblatz, I have good news. Your wife is in good health and the only think she needs for her to be better is to have sex on Wednesdays and Saturdays."

Mr. Goldblatz said, "Ok, doctor, if you think that will help. I can bring her here on Wednesdays but Saturdays I play golf, so she'll have to take the bus."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett for his contribution to today's stories.

A man bought a new Chevy Silverado and returned to the dealer yesterday because he couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. In a demonstration, the salesman said to the radio, "Nelson." The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?'' The salesman said, "Willie!" Instantly, "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then the salesman said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant, "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

The man drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time he'd say, "Beethoven," and get beautiful classical music. If I said, "Beatles," he'd get one of their awesome songs.

The next day, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed his new truck, but he swerved in time to avoid him. He yelled, "Asshole!". Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."

Authors Note: You may change the punchline of the above joke and replace it with any deserving Democratic or Republican leader.

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

If I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well no." The angry man continued, "What if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" The clerk said, "Well, I probably wouldn't."

With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?' The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" The little boy said, "No, I don't."

The teacher said, "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your mom before he goes to work." Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

That's it for today my little kidney beans. Remember, one of the good things about not being famous is that you have to do something really, really stupid to make the news. It's Friday and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. I don't think that will make the headlines. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !