Ah yes, the man always came to the door and met the woman's parents. He opened the car door for her, made sure he sat her first at a fine restaurant. He brought her flowers and presents. They got engaged.....They got married.
Remember the first time you went to the bathroom when both of you were living under the same roof? You locked the door, turned on the faucet, lit matches or candles, all in order to disguise your mission and mask any emissions that may have fouled the air.
Years later, that noble attitude has now fallen by the wayside. Nowadays, you often head to the bathroom on your own personal mission, only to find the bathroom door wide open, your spouse occupying the family throne. A strong aroma similar to the smell of boiling cabbage or collard greens delicately mixed with hard boiled eggs fills the air. You quickly look to see if the family pet has escaped this bio-hazard or has succumbed and perished as you rush out for fresh air. Yes, my little boiled peanuts, things change over the years.
In the early years, you retired to the boudoir, man and wife both freshly bathed, shaven, and smelling of fine perfume. The bedroom lights were dimmed, soft jazz gently played in the background and many scented candles ofttimes were delicately placed in a sultry and inviting way. Game on!
It becomes a bit different as time passes. At first, gradual change alters the ambiance and mentality of the bedroom. You have realized that "love will keep us together", but you later realize that it won't pay the bills. Candles have been retired from bedroom use due to the small fire caused when your spouse kicked one off the headboard. It was your first painful experience with waxing.
The bedroom scenario continues to change. Nothing stops you in the act more quickly than to look up and realize that the family dog is watching you perform. Of course, it's better to discover him that way rather than feel his cold nose on your ass. You wear socks to bed because your feet are cold. You leave the television on while having sex and realize your spouse is watching the David Letterman show.
As children came, you began to realize that you had better take it any way you can get it and the old adage that "a bird in the hand" took on a whole new meaning. Exhausted from work, the minute you could feed the toddlers and put them to bed, you headed straight for the bedroom or any other convenient place to "knock one off" before the kids woke up. The early years ritualistic preparations prior to "game time" were often eliminated meaning both of you would probably get razor burn and possibly rug burn as well.
Then, there was make-up sex. A good fight followed by a few hours of sterile quiet soon gave way to a no-holds barred animalistic engagement that both of you promise each other would never be retold. Of course, they were even further sexual feats fired by that third glass of wine, the memories of which make you shudder the following day.
Things have settled down a bit now that we're a bit older. Although less frequently, we all have a good performance in us now and then. Oral sex has changed, but still exists. Before going to bed, you say to your spouse, "Screw you" and your spouse retorts, "Screw you too!" As for make-up sex, it has been altered a bit, as well. Now you start an argument hoping that your spouse will sleep in the other room and you can get a good night's rest.....
The News As I See It: A Jet Blue flight leaving Newark had to return to the airport after takeoff when an engine cover fell off the plane. Passengers on the plane don't know what was worse — having an engine cover blow off mid-flight or having to go back to Newark. Spirit Airlines has become the first airline in the U.S. to charge passengers for carry-on luggage, $45 to put a bag in the overhead bin. Which is odd, because if you had an extra 90 bucks to spend, you probably wouldn't be flying Spirit Airlines.
Tiger Woods is getting ready for the Masters, so on Monday, he played a practice round with golf legend Fred Couples. Of course, Tiger only showed up because he heard there’d be some "couples action."
President Obozo threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals game. Obama took a short wind-up and threw a high, arcing pitch. Democrats saw the pitch as moderately close to the middle, while Republicans are calling it "way to the left and possibly socialist. Obozo has come out with a new policy for using nuclear weapons. In a related story, Joe Biden said he would try not to drop the F-bomb so often.
This Date In History: 1862; Gen. Ulysses S. Grant defeated the Confederates at the battle of Shiloh. 1913; 5,000 suffragists march to the Capitol in Washington, D.C. , seeking the vote for women. 1927; U.S. secretary of commerce Herbert Hoover’s Washington speech was seen and heard in New York in the first long-distance television transmission. 1948; The World Health Organization, a UN agency, was founded.
1949; Rodgers’ and Hammerstein’s Pulitzer Prize winner, South Pacific opened on Broadway. 1994; Hutu extremists in Rwanda began massacring ethnic Tutsis and politically moderate Hutus. In 100 days of killing, an estimated 800,000 are murdered. 2003; Cécile de Brunhoff, creator of Babar the elephant, died.
Picture Of The Day: It's politics as usual. California is going broke and may have to reduce services this week. They're so desperate that they're trying to legalize marijuana.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) In 2001, a blind American climber reached the summit of Mount Everest. At least that’s what they told him. 2) There's nothing worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3) Why does a 'slight' tax increase cost you $200 and a 'substantial' tax cut saves you $30? 4) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 5) Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.....and that's five !
Birthdays: William Wordsworth, poet 1770, Billie Holiday, singer 1915, Ravi Shankar, sitarist and composer 1920, Francis Ford Coppola, filmmaker 1939, Gerhard Schröder, chancellor of Germany 1944, Jackie Chan, actor 1954, Russell Crowe, actor 1964.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Fannie was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fannie loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach Fannie a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fannie. Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fannie started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of whores will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...."
Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fannie was disconcerted but only for a moment. Then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey girls! Hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the front door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. So he drags himself out of bed and opens the front door. There is man standing at the door and it didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. The drunk slurs, "Hi there, can you give me a push?" The man says, "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed", and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" The man says, "But the guy was drunk." His wife says, "It doesn't matter. He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah. please." Still unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The stranger replies, "I'm over here, on the porch swing."
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
The seaman said, Wow, what about your hook"?" The pirate replied, "Well. while my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals" The seaman remarked, "That's incredible! How did you get the eyepatch?" The pirate said, "A sea gull was flying overhead and shit in my eye." The sailor asked incredulously, "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" The pirate said, "Aye...it was my first day with the hook!"
Two southern boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?" The other replies, "He had a farm." The first asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."
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That's it for today my little peacocks. Remember, don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !