Mundane Monday - How About A Banana?

When I was a kid, my Brother Kirt thought he was a chicken. We never mentioned it very often because we needed the eggs. Times were tough when I was a a lad, but we managed to get through our childhood years without any major problems....with the exception of Brother Kirt who, after a few cold beers, still has a tendency to scratch dirt with his toes and flap his arms.

Looking back, I realize that our family was not rich but we never really knew we didn't have much money. In those days, there weren't any computers or video games and fun was something that was free and innocent. There was always a game of football or baseball going on and in the absence of an organized game, we played marbles, or threw yoyos or tops.

These thoughts came to me yesterday when I saw a group of young kids hanging out and they seemed to be bored out of their minds. The suburbs today are usually a bunch of ticky-tacky boxes with no real area for kids to play. Open areas are normally paved and parks are few and far between. I'm glad that the area where I grew up and lots of land and open areas around it that allowed us to let our imaginations run rampant.

I haven't been inside a movie theater in thirty years mainly because of the the dimwits and low-lifes who talk back to the movie screen while the movie is running. Back in the day, there were smartly dressed ushers with flashlights who would quiet anyone not bright enough to realize that the actors could not hear their remarks. Failure to keep quiet usually resulted in the loudmouth being removed from the theater.

That said, most movies that I see for the first time have usually been out for six months to a year. It really doesn't bother me too much because when I watch the movie, it's new to me. The best thing is that I can watch the movie in peace, avoid the lines and the price of popcorn is a lot cheaper. Hell, we even serve beer at Jimmy's Movie Theater.

This weekend, I saw The Sixth Sense and although I had seen previews of the movie before, it really didn't interest me too much. This is the first movie I have seen in a long time that was really good. I am the type of person who is always trying to figure out the angles and plot of the story and I couldn't have been farther away from the movie's ending. I really never saw it coming. I assume most of you have already seen the movie, but if you haven't, watch this one. The ending is great!

The News As I See It: Alan Greenspan, the former chairman of the Federal Reserve, said of his time in office, "I was wrong 30% of the time." Well that's not bad, for a weatherman or a free throw shooter, but he was the Chairman of the Fed. We need the Fed to be on the pill and he ran it on the rhythm method.

There’s a new comic book coming out about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s life. In the comic, Arnold battles his life-long nemesis: words. A town in Tennessee elected a dead man as its mayor. Finally, a politician who won't cheat on his wife.

There are some new reports coming in from O.J. Simpson in jail. Apparently O.J. has been playing a lot of baseball. He’s pretty good apparently. The only problem is that every time he runs home, he murders two people.

This Date In History: 1775; The "shot heard around the world" was fired. Colonial Minute Men took on British Army regulars at Lexington and Concord, Mass., starting the American Revolution. 1824; Lord Byron died of a fever while helping the Greeks fight the Turks. 1882; Naturalist Charles Darwin, developer of the theory of evolution, died.

1897; The first Boston Marathon was run. 1933; The United States went off the gold standard. 1943; The Warsaw ghetto uprising began, one of the first mass rebellions against the Nazis. 1993; The siege at Waco, Texas, ended when FBI moved into the Branch Davidian compound with tear gas and cult members set fire to the compound killing over 80 people.

1995; The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, Okla., was destroyed by a car bomb. 168 people, including 19 children were killed in the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history up to that time. 2005; Germany's Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger became Pope Benedict XVI.

Picture Of The Day: I've decided that I would quit picking on President Obama, politicians, lawyers and basketball players so instead, I thought I'd show you some pictures of nature at it's best.....the animal world. You deserve a day off from inuendos.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Have you ever wondered where toll booth attendants go when they need to use the bathroom? 2) The U.S. government spends billions and billions of dollars on bombs and welfare. It's hard to say which is more destructive. 3) There is always death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year. 4) In an intellectually equal society, who will be the busboys? 5) Volvo, Video, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Sarah Kemble Knight, teacher 1666, Roger Sherman, political leader 1721, Eliot Ness, Federal agent 1903, Glenn Seaborg, chemist 1912, Dudley Moore, actor, comedian, composer 1935, Kate Hudson, actress 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked In the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head. In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Obama, and told him to drink it all. Obama drank the concoction and said,"That tasted like bullshit!" The doctor replied, "It was...you were a quart low."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

Murray was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Murray decided to invest his money in a small, but growing business. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Murray asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man replied, "Well, it's pretty damned hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

A supermarket hired a college student who had just graduated. On his first day of work, the manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." The young man replied indignantly, "But I'm a college graduate with a Bachelor of Arts degree." The manager said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that. Give me the broom and I'll show you how."

A man was giving a lecture on efficiency and concluded with a note of caution, "You don't want to try these techniques at home." Someone asked, "Why not?" The man said, "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years. She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. One day I suggested, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The man replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him, and says, "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" The waitress says, "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough." The waitress continued, "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." The waitress says, "And the third penny tells me that your father was a bachelor, too."

That's it for today my little tootsie rolls. Remember, Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !