Friday, April 9, 2010

Musical Groups From The Past Are Returning !

As most of you know, I'm a singer and musician and I have just learned that a group of popular recording artists are revising their music hits with new lyrics to accommodate baby boomers once again as they enter their golden years. This is especially exciting to me as I have grown up with (and performed) their music over the years.

One of my favorite groups was the Bee Gees whose new song is "How Can I mend a Broken Hip." And who could forget Bobby Darin's new release, "Splish Splash, I Was Having a Flash" which he has dedicated to all the ladies. Paul Simon's new release, "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver" is very popular and The Commodores expect to perform their new song, "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom" at their next concert at Century Village in Florida.

Ringo Starr is rising to the top of the charts with his song, "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends" and the lovable Herman's Hermits expect to release their new single, "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker" in early Summer.

Roberta Flack is now on tour performing "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face." She is expected to be joined by pop star Johnny Nash singing, "I Can't See Clearly Now", and The Temptations performing their current chart buster, "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone."

I'll be posting all of the dates for these concerts. The next one is scheduled in May featuring the ghost of Marvin Gay who will sing "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts" Also performing at that event will be Leo Sayer singing "You Make Me Feel Like Napping." The grand stars of the premiere event will be Helen Ready and crooning her new song "I Am Woman Hear Me Snore" and country music star, Willie Nelson, performing "On The Commode Again." Stay tuned for further details my little jitterbugs.....

President Obozo's economic adviser, Paul Volcker said Tuesday the United States should consider imposing a "value-added tax" similar to those charged in Europe to help get the deficit under control. A value-added tax is a national sales tax that, like state and city sales taxes, would be collected by retailers. Volcker, a former Federal Reserve chairman, told a New York panel on the global financial crisis that such a tax is "not as toxic an idea as it has been in the past. If, at the end of the day, we need to raise taxes, we should raise taxes," he said. He also said that Congress might also have to consider new taxes on carbon and energy.

A White House official asked for comment, said, "The president has passed historic tax cuts for middle-class families and continues to push for more tax cuts. The president is not proposing to cut the deficit at the expense of middle-class families." It shouldn't surprise anyone that the Obozo White House would advocate a European-style tax to help finance their European-style government healthcare plan.

The News As I See It: Tiger Woods made his return to golf at the Masters yesterday. President Obozo and Russian President Medvedev signed the necessary documents and just like that, relations have been normalized. I watched the first round yesterday. It’s was boring. There was no sex at all, just a bunch of middle-aged white guys and one guilty-looking black guy walking around.

Last week, a 7.2 earthquake hit southwest of Tijuana, Mexico. They say the earthquake was felt by 20 million Mexicans, and that was just in Los Angeles.

The United States and Russia have signed a historic nuclear weapons treaty. Apparently, Russia is getting a little nervous. They heard we had successfully mounted a warhead on a Toyota Prius.

The IRS says it's been getting death threats since the health care bill passed because the IRS is going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS's ability to threaten people.

The president of China will be at the White House next week. The good news is that he has no plans to foreclose. To give you an idea how important this visit is from the Chinese president, Joe Biden is busy learning some Chinese curse words.

This Date In History: 1731; Robert Jenkins's ear was cut off, sparking the War of Jenkins’s Ear between Spain and England. 1865; Gen. Robert E. Lee surrendered to Gen. Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House. 1914; The first full-color film, The World, The Flesh and the Devil, was shown in London. 1939; Contralto Marian Anderson, after being denied performing at Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C., gave a concert at the Lincoln Memorial.

1942; American and Philippine troops on Bataan were overwhelmed by Japanese forces during World War II. The "Bataan Death March" began soon after. 1959; NASA announced the selection of America’s first astronauts, including Alan Shepard and John Glenn.

1963; Winston Churchill became the first honorary U.S. citizen. 1992; Former Panamanian ruler Manuel Noriega was convicted of drug and racketeering charges. 2003; American Marines pulled down Saddam Hussein’s statue in Baghdad after U.S. commanders declared his rule ended. 2005; Britain's Prince Charles marries Camilla Parker Bowles.

Picture Of The Day: Slim Pickings ! No, not the actor, the choice of interesting pictures that I could find today. There's a lot of good fodder out there - Tiger Woods is returning from his White Whore Ego Tour to golf at the Master's Tournament, China has purchased Volvo from Ford Motor Company and California is trying to legalize marijuana to raise money for their almost bankrupt state and be able to subsidize all the Juans and Juanas who live there illegally.

So, with the help of the photoshop artists, I managed to touch on each of these subjects in my own eclectic way. Oh, and I put the picture of the cute little monkey in because I liked the picture and I put in the picture of the other monkeys because they irritate me.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have yet to understand why people say something is "out of whack". What the hell is a whack? 2) The trouble with life is there's no background music. 3) They say love is blind but, if that's true, why is lingerie so popular? 4) The post office always has pictures of criminals displayed on the walls. I think they should put the criminals' pictures on postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail.5) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Charles Baudelaire, poet 1821, Eadweard Muybridge, photographer 1830, J. Paul Robeson, American actor and bass singer 1898, J. William Fulbright senator 1905, Jean-Paul Belmondo, actor 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at AREA 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane -- only this time there were two people in the plane.The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Joe and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." He replied, "My darling, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

A man purchased a new Cadillac Escalade and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that he could not figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained the the radio was "voice activated" and all the man had to do was mention the artist's name and a song would play.

The salesman said, "Nelson" and the radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" The salesman said, "Willie" and "On The Road Again" began to play over the car's speakers. Then the salesman said, "Ray Charles" and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson and began to play.

The man drove away from the Cadillac dealership content that he had learned how the radio worked. He thought, "Every time I say 'Beethoven' I'll get beautiful, classical music and if I say 'Beatles', I'll get one of their awesome songs."

Suddenly, a group of teenagers ran a red light and almost creamed his new Escalade. Fortunately, he swerved in time and in frustration, he yelled, "Assholes!" Immediately, the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda, with George Bush on guitar, Barack Obama on drums, Al Sharpton on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on saxophone and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Three middle eastern women were sitting around one day discussing their children. The first woman says, "My son loves Allah so much that he strap a bomb on himself and blew up the town center." The second woman says, "My son Mohammad loved his country so much he drove a tanker truck full of gasoline into the gates of the enemies and he is in heaven with the virgins his father always wanted." The third woman replies, "Children, they blow up so fast now a days."

The new Nike Tiger Woods commercial now airing during the Masters Golf Tournament has a lot of people talking. If you think that advertisement is controversial, go over to my other blog, Jimmy's Journal - TheOriginal and see the new YouTube parodies that came out within hours of the Nike commercial. After you've made any comments about todays post click this link

That's it for today my little honey do's. Remember, start reading the bible at an early age so you won't have to cram for the final exam like the older readers. It's Friday and a trip to AREA 51 for happy hour sounds like a plan. Have a great weekend and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Linda's World said...

"How can I mend a broken hip?" Now that's a good one. Have a good weekend. Linda in semi sunny Washinngton

jack69 said...

I'm still on: "Mrs Brown you've got a lovely Walker!!!" Good one.
I love to laugh thru your journal!
Jack & Sherry! (Sherry the one across the table reading your journal now!)

Paula said...

Have fun at Area 51.