Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Tomorrow Is Tax Day: Make Your Tax Check Payable To The Infernal Revenue Service

Tomorrow is Tax Day and probably one of the most irritating days of the year. It's bad enough that everyone has to come up with his or her share of the tax burden, but when you see how the government wastes the money that they collect, it just pisses me off even further.

What I would really like to do is send in the article from USA Today archives. In the article, the Pentagon paid $171.50 each for hammers and NASA paid $600.00 each for toilet seats. With my return, I would enclose four toilet seats (value $2,400.00) and six hammers (value $1,029.00). That would be in payment for my total tax due of $3,429.00.

Out of a sense of patriotic duty, and to assist in the political purification of our government, I would also enclose a 1.5 inch Phillips head screw, for which HUD duly recorded and approved a purchase value of $22.00, as my contribution to fulfill the Presidential Election Fund option on Form 1040. This would be fitting as the asshole that was elected using these funds has certainly given America and the economy an expensive screwing. But, that's just me.....

New Yorkers always try to put the best face they can on Tax Day. For example, the hookers in Times Square, for an extra $50, will handle your extension. The U. S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Nancy Pelosi heard this, she was horrified. Well, I think she was horrified. It's difficult to tell.

President Obozo has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes...and that's just in his administration. Obozo's nominees are having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them. We ought to thank Obozo because he made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year.

Tax Day Special Edition: Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta. 2) Income taxes are one of life's two certainties and the only one for which you can get an automatic extension. 3) On my income tax Form 1040 it says "Check this box if you are blind" so I put a check mark about three inches away. 4) If the IRS took 100 taxpayers at random and sent each an incorrect notice that they owed an extra $92.35 in taxes and interest, more than two-thirds would probably just send in a check without investigating further. 5) There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won't cure.....and that's five !

The News As I See It: Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, said in a speech, "I am the first here to admit I’ve made mistakes." Then the stripper giving him a lap-dance said it will still be 20 bucks. CNN is hoping to spice up the show "Anderson Cooper 360" by adding a live audience. After that, they're hoping to spice up "Larry King Live" by adding a live Larry King.

Justice John Paul Stevens is leaving the Supreme Court. This won’t affect as many Americans as when Paula Abdul left "American Idol," but it’s still a big deal. Elizabeth Taylor is rumored to be getting married for the 9th time. One more and she qualifies for a free chicken sandwich at Quizno’s. Conan O’Brien recently announced that he will move his show to TBS. Later that day, Jay Leno announced that he will also move his show to TBS.

Tiger Woods said he would try to keep his emotions under control, but after a bad swing, he used the F-word. Who does he think he is — vice president of the United States? Tiger’s obviously under a lot of stress. It’s very difficult to play when you have a padlock on your underwear. Tiger finished in 4th place, which means he only won $330,000, which is barely enough to pay his text messaging bill.

Barry Bonds said he is "proud" of Mark McGwire for returning to baseball. And it really means a lot coming from Bonds — it’s like Tiger Woods getting a high five at the Masters from Jesse James.

This Date In History: 1775; Benjamin Rush was among those who founded the first American antislavery society. 1828; Noah Webster copyrighted the first edition of his dictionary. 1860; The first pony express rider reached his destination of San Francisco. He left St. Joseph, Mo., on April 3. 1865; Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth.

1894; The first kinetoscope parlor opened in New York City. 1912; Titanic hit the iceberg that would sink her the next morning. 1969; In a record breaking night at the Academy Awards, a tie between Katherine Hepburn and Barbra Streisand resulted in the two sharing the the Best Actress Oscar and Hepburn broke the record as the only actress to win three Best Actress Oscars.

2002; Hugo Chávez returned as president of Venezuela after being forced out of office two days previously. 2003; Abu Abbas, the leader of the terrorist group Palestine Liberation Front when the group hijacked the liner Achille Lauro, was captured by U.S. forces in Iraq.

Picture Of The Day: Just some of the different expressions of Income Taxes and the IRS that I found in my trek around the 'net.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Maybe it's just me, but haven't you ever wondered why psychics never win the lottery? 2) Scotsmen wear kilts because sheep can hear zippers. 3) Everything you read in the newspaper is absolutely false, except for the rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge 4) It's not easy to rid an old dog of new ticks. 5) The buck doesn't even slow down here.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Anne Sullivan Macy, American educator, friend and teacher of Helen Keller 1866, Arnold Joseph Toynbee historian 1889, John Gielgud actor 1904, Francois Duvalier dictator of Haiti 1907, Loretta Lynn singer 1935,
Sarah Michelle Gellar actress 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man walks into a store followed by his teenage son. His son is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. While walking through the store someone bumps into the boy and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face. His dad starts panicking and shouts and screams for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at the snack bar in the store reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee down, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way towards the boy. When he reaches the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the boy's balls and squeezes.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat at the snack bar without saying a word.

As soon as the dad makes sure that his son is OK, he rushes over to the man and starts thanking him saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?" The man replies, "No, I work for the Internal Revenue Service."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." His Mom said, "...and this is how your teacher taught you to do it ?" The little boy answered, "Yes."

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "...and are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which, is four."

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Billy?" Billy replied, "I just saw one of your garters!" The teacher yelled, "Get out of my classroom I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. The teacher said, "Where do you think you're going, Johnny?" Little Johnny said, "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they came to the corral, a large bull had mounted a cow. Seeing the two animals coupled, Grandpa quickly explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, they saw two horse in the same situation. Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."

That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

That's it for today my little rum runners. Remember, don't count your chickens before they hatch and don't blame my cat. He has an airtight alibi. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


This Is My Blog - fishing guy said...

Jimmy: We can complain all we want but you better pay. I paid into SS and now they take taxes out of what they pay me.

garnett109 said...

Hamburgers anyone?

Missie said...

Tax day and surgery day. It's not looking good for me tomorrow!LOL

Heli gunner Tom said...

Ha! Half of Americans pay for the other half who don't care to work. That stinks on ice. But if you think it's bad now--wait until gas goes up to $5/ gallon... lol. We ain't seen nothing yet, IMHO. Time to plant our garden!

Tom S

Senorita said...

Im so glad that I make a shitty salary, because then I get a refund each year. It's so nice getting money back instead of writing a fat check to Uncle Sam.

jack69 said...

I would pay my taxes, but I am still thinking of the problems Tiger has if he must hurry to the bathroom.
Always appreciate the laughs,

From NC
Jack & Sherry

Rose said...

Since retirement, I have not seen a refund nor have I had to pay but I do have to may my Accountant a big chunk. I'd like enough back just to cover his bill!

Julie said...

When Nancy Pelosi heard this, she was horrified. Well, I think she was horrified. It's difficult to tell.

You crack me up Jimmy.